Page 71 of Duke

HIS HANDS RUN UNDER the back of my shirt. Instead of the familiar tug of desire and thrumming in my blood; his touch feels cold.

I shrink away from him, pulling the covers tighter.

“Fuck Shanna. We’ve been going out for three months. I’ve been a fucking perfect gentleman. But I can’t. I just fucking can’t wait anymore. Either you give yourself fully to me, or I’m out.”

I sigh, getting up and sitting on the edge of the bed, “I’m sorry.”

“Christ,” he mutters.“It’s him, right? Ever since you saw him in LA… you’ve been different. I thought I had a chance to win your heart. What a fucking joke.”

“Spence…” I place my hand gently on his arm, “I should love you. If I could choose for my heart—it’d be you. You’re the one I should choose… should love,” I break off shaking my head in the dark.

“It’s ok. It’s probably for the best anyway. I was going to wait to tell you that I’ve been accepted into Princeton for grad school. I’m leaving for the East Coast after graduation day. I got an internship with a huge law firm out there.”

I sit, in stunned silence for a moment, “That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you.”

“I was hoping maybe we could work something out but I can’t hold onto you long-distance if you won’t even give me all of you when I’m still here.”

“I know,” I sigh. “But I do love you. I’ll never admit this to anyone else—I couldn’t have handled all the shit that’s been handed to me these past few months without you.”

With sad eyes, he gets out of bed and pulls his jeans on. “Let me guess: You love me, but you’re not in love with me, right?”

Slowly, I nod my head and bit my lip. Staring up at his gorgeous face; I just know he’s going to be somebody else’s happy ending, not mine.”

“I wish I could’ve been the one, too. I should go.”

He pulls his sweater over his rock-hard abs and bends down kissing me one last time.

“Goodbye, beautiful,” he breathes against my lips.

Shutting the door quietly behind him, I hug my knees to my chest. Just like that, I had my first real break-up. I didn’t love him like I should have. My love for Duke chased out the love that was growing for Spence from every corner of my heart.

Unable to sleep, I turn on the bedside light and flip open the journal on my nightstand. It’s been painful to read through them, especially the one that detailed her affair with Duke’s father and when Pops slept with that bitch, Dee.

My mother’s heart broke. She loved John Masters the way I love his son. John pursued Mom to burn Pops for sleeping with Dee Dee. John wanted her and Mom wanted him. Pops loved Mom but burned for Dee. God, it was such a mess… a soap opera worthy of prime-time television.

Mom left, half-hoping Pops would go after her. She apologized to me for being selfish and weak and for not being able to stay, not even for me.

She couldn’t watch the men she loved, fight over and fuck someone else. But the part that makes me burn with a rage I’ve never felt before, is when she writes about calling the house asking to speak to me, but Pops just hung up. Or the times she drove out here on my birthdays and holidays with gifts that he put in the trash.

All these years I thought she didn’t care. Didn’t love. And it was all a lie. Pops blocked her from me. And I’ve done everything for him, giving him all the love I have in my heart. He knew how much I was hurting and how much I always craved to feel my mama’s arms around me. I could’ve had it, but now she’s gone for good.

I stopped caring if he heard my cries every time Spence went down on me. I stared him down over the rim of my coffee when Spence slept over, and I cooked ham and eggs for them both wearing his shirt.

He knows I know.

He stopped looking me in the eye and his breathing is becoming more labored than ever. I just leave the house without even a goodbye. Meat took over being his nursemaid, ‘cause I was fucking done.

Rubbing my eyes, I put the journal down, too pissed to stay still. Making my way down to the kitchen I yelp with surprise seeing Pops sitting alone in the dark.

“You finished reading them all yet?”

Ignoring him, I grab a glass and fill it with cold water.

“The truth is like a coin: There are always two sides. She wrote her truth but it ain’t mine.”

“I can’t Pops. I-I can’t even put into words how hurt I am. You… you knew how much I wanted my mommy back when I was young. And to find out you kept her away when she wanted to see me? How can I possibly make peace with that?”

“Because she was a fuckin’ addict who whored herself out. She wasn’t fit to be the mud on the treads of your sneakers sweetheart. But she didn’t write that shit in her books now did she?”

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