Page 31 of Mr. July

To: homeowner1278

From: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Cleaning Fee/Damage

Hi,

I am terribly sorry for any mix-up. I had a business meeting and had to leave early this morning. My friends assured me they would handle the trash and dirty linens. I made sure to run the dishwasher myself. When the power went out Saturday night my friend tripped and spilled wine on the back of the couch. We cleaned it as best we could, and I truly apologize for forgetting to mention it. A baking soda/bleach/steam clean might do the trick.

As for suing me, perhaps you shouldn’t rent out your home to guests if you can’t handle a little fun.

Sorry again,

Ryan

P.S. Would you please consider not taking such a large fee? I could really use the money.

Twelve

After a hot shower and three Tylenols, the headache I had all day finally subsided. Apparently work blew up after I left the office.

The partners were fighting with the partners at a competing venture firm over the latest contract for the sale of one of the financial funds. The contract was a bitch to decipher. Everyone was demanding changes. I called my honeybun on the way home, asked her to print two copies of the deal and have a courier service pick them up from her to deliver to my condo. Instead, I came home to a neatly sealed box on my doorstep with the paperwork tidily tucked inside. A homemade lemon cake sat on a separate box on top, decorated with a new pack of highlighters with a note from Bunny herself.“The six-pack might not like it, but the rest of your stomach will.”

Damn, Bunny was a keeper.

I devoured half of it, chased it with milk and got to work. Three hours later, my bed was littered with highlighted papers with scribbled notes in the margins. I was about to take a break when my cell dinged. It was a message from the rental app. My jaw clenched instinctively.

Cursing I stuck the highlighter between my teeth, opening it up scanning the response. “Un-fucking believable. No, you can’t have your money back, you nymphomaniac liar.”

Ryan Hill was probably some rich frat boy from Duke. Pregnant girlfriend my ass. Maybe he was bi with all the dicks I found in my home? Who the hell knows? I didn’t care, I just did not want that crap to go down in my dream home. Hell, I had dragged all the bedding and sheets to the beach, made a bonfire and watched that shit burn. I was never using them again, washing it a hundred times wouldn’t matter.

I hit respond.

From: homeowner1278

To: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Cleaning Fee/Damage

You mean the bottle of red that was my personal favorite? Taken from my kitchen cabinet? That was the one your “friend” spilled. No. No refunds. I was perfectly fine renting out my home to a nice couple who were expecting. Instead, I found gummy dicks in my couch, dildos under beds, and panty sets outside. Oh yeah, a bunch of dick balloons in my laundry room with sex toys.

I’m scarred for life. Shell shocked. I suggest you don’t misrepresent yourself again. I am contacting the rental app, petitioning them to have you permanently banned from screwing over another homeowner.

C.C.

A response hit my inbox almost immediately.

To: homeowner1278

FROM: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Cleaning Fee/Damage

I never misrepresented myself. My girlfriend is expecting. We had a small group of women for a bachelorette. Sorry if sex toys or sex is a trigger for you. My friends were supposed to clean up. They forgot the trash and to put the linens in the laundry room. If they had, they would have removed the sex items we forgot. Feel free to keep them. (Unless they make you feel uncomfortable.)

P.S. Gummy dicks taste better than the real thing. Don’t judge.

Ryan

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