Page 10 of Vengeful Pawn

I can’t be pissed about his anger. My reaction was the same with my own sister and her husband. I wasn’t very nice to Hadley, though.

“If I’d known she was your sister, I never would have touched her. I thought we were two single people having a good time.” I pause so the words sink in. “I don’t regret it. Mia is special, and while I know I don’t deserve to have her in my life, I’ll do everything possible to make sure she’s safe and happy, even if that means it’s without me.”

Castle finally looks at me, his eyes a mixture of disbelief and confusion. “You’d let her find happiness with another man? You’d allow another man to father your child?”

“It’d kill me, but if that’s what she wants, yeah.” I fucking hate the thought of it. “I only want what makes her happy, and being with me will do more harm than good, but I’ll help take care of her and the baby if she lets me.”

Shaking his head, Castle downs the remainder of his drink. “You truly believe that, don’t you? That you’re not good enough for her.”

“I’m not good enough for any kind of relationship. I’m too fucked up.” There’s no doubt about it.

“Self-awareness is an admirable trait, Hendrix, but don’t let it be what keeps you from a life with them when you can get help and heal for her.” He walks away after dropping that bombshell. It’s not an approval of Mia and me together, but it’s probably as close as it’s going to get.

Stepping outside, I see everyone loaded up in the Tahoe, except my dad.

“Everything okay, son?” I nod, keeping my inner struggles to myself. “You’re driving.” He tosses me the keys and hops in the passenger seat as I head to the driver’s side.

The drive back to Pensacola is primarily quiet, broken up by a thunderstorm that rolls through quickly and the hushed murmuring from the girls in the back as they speak to each other. Our first stop is Sparrow House, where they will spend a couple of nights as more details are worked out for their permanent housing.

Because of house rules, Dad and I stay outside as Mom and Mia get them settled and introduce them to the ladies of the house and other guests.

“So.” Dad’s gravelly voice breaks the silence of the cloudy day. “A baby.”

I blow out a breath, still shocked at the news. “Seems so.”

“You sure it’s yours?” At his question, my head whips to the side so fast I get dizzy. “What? It’s been four months, and she didn’t bother to get in touch with you.”

“It’s mine, Dad. I can’t explain it, but I know she’s not like that.” There wasn’t a sliver of doubt from the second I realized what happened. “I know it’s my baby.”

“You going to marry this girl?”

Jesus.

“Not likely.” That leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

“Why?”

His tone is so casual. Where is he going with this?

“Seriously?”How does no one understand?“I’m fucked up, Dad. I can’t put her through my shit.”

“How do you figure that?” He stands up straighter after leaning on the SUV.

I furrow my brow and twist my lips, then answer, “I wake up in the dead of night from flashbacks. I get locked in that final mission for hours, sometimes days. I have to drink even to get a moment of rest. I can’t bring that shit around her and a baby.”

He blinks a few times and stares at me before shaking his head. “You know how your mother and I got together, right?” I nod. It was brutal and savage. “Then you know that love can help heal some wounds. It’s not an overnight fix, you have to put in the work and desire to be the kind of man she needs, but it can be done.”

“It’s not the same.” I realize he’s trying to help, but our situations are vastly different. “I can’t risk them. Not when I know the consequences.”

I stride away before he can argue further and walk the perimeter of the house to ensure everything is secure. Reaching the back, I spot the younger girl sitting in front of the upstairs windows. Her new room, I surmise. She waves hesitantly, and I offer one back. I’m not a completely heartless bastard. She gives a tentative smile before sitting back and taking in her view.

Last summer, Bishop, Holden, Nolan, and I built a tree house and swing set for the kids who come through here. They’ve been well used and loved since then. We don’t get many teenage girls, but a gazebo with cushioned benches might be attractive to them.

Standing in front of the swing set, I grab the chains and imagine a life in the future. One where I might be pushing my own child in this seat, hearing him or her laugh as they go higher and higher. Seeing their smiling face as we race to the slide. Or when we build a sandcastle at the beach and the ocean waves roll in to destroy it. Picturing a future where I’m not just in my child’s life, but I’m involved in their every day with MiaBella as her husband.

For so many years, I’ve accepted that my future wouldn’t involve a wife or children. I’d be the fun uncle who couldn’t do any harm for a few hours a week. However, finding Mia that first night changed something inside me. These past four months have been spent thinking of nothing but her. Thinking of that future and if our powerful one-night connection could lead to more.

“Fuck,” I grunt, stepping back from the swing. I swore to never allow myself that kind of happiness because of that last mission. Ten lives were ended by me that day. Ten innocent lives, who had no idea what was happening or why they were there.

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