Page 73 of Hate Wrecked

She steps up to me, staring into my eyes. “Like who I used to be. That girl you hate, she died in that boat. I lost her to the waves in the bathroom before we hit land. She died along with the captain.”

My heart aches as I look down at her. “If you say so.”

“How many versions of ourselves are we before we die? I’m sorry I hurt you, but I was just a girl. You know that. And I’m sorry I was an asshole when I landed. I was hurt, living in the past. But you wanted me to read that damn book.” She jabs her finger back at the fire. “You wanted me to forgive my mother. And in doing so, in fucking trying, I’m learning to forgive the version of me I’ve been dressing up as until very fucking recently.” She points to the ocean now. “I lost the goddamn past to that ocean. I lost every bit of regret I had, every bit of anger I was poisoning myself with. It went down with the pills and the liquor. I won’t be burdened by that shadow anymore. Not in here…” She rests her palm on her chest, and I see the welling in her eyes, the sincerity. “I know you’ve had to take care of me over and over and over again through the years. It’s not lost on me. But you don’t have to do that anymore. I’m finally seeing clearly. I am finally done with it all. I’m going to go home a new person. Whatever version of you goes home is up to you. But I’m not dying on this island, and neither are you. So we can stick to the dark and avoid each other in the day, or we can work together to get through this. But I’m not dimming or hiding myself for one more second out there. Any goddamn want you have, any desire you have, that’s on you. Take responsibility for your own heart. I’ll worry about mine.

She walks back to the fire then, and I stare into the ocean, knowing I am close to unraveling for her, terrified to walk back to the fire.

When her voice comes again, all I can do is close my eyes to the promise. “I won’t touch you again, not unless you want me to. And Rowan, I know you’ll want me to.”

THEN

RILEY

The word used was “precocious,”but I didn’t realize it was used about me then; I just knew I wanted to feel everything and know everything.

I wanted to create desire in someone whole and pure, someone different from the people who ran my life. I wanted Rowan Finn, but we had resumed the roles the world deemed fit: bodyguard, daughter of the boss, friends in shadow.

The truth was we were barely speaking. Not since that night at his apartment when he drew a line between us.

But I was done with that.

Rowan walked out to the pool, his arms crossed, his jaw tight. “What are you doing?” he asked as I slipped my bikini down.

I still wasn’t taken, and maybe I never would be. Barry and I were still spending more time together, but we weren’t a couple in the light of day. He was a family friend, someone I partied with. Someone the tabloids speculated about.

Someone who tasted me in dark corners, but I never let go all the way.

Because my heart ached for someone else.

I want them both, for different reasons. That’s where my mind was. My heart was desperate for Rowan; the part of me that wanted to tear my life apart in the image of my mother wanted Barry.

“Skinny dipping, have you never done it?” I asked, turning to him. I liked the idea of unnerving him.

“Yes,” he said, eyes on mine, not moving down.

“Join me then,” I said, turning back to the pool, slowly stepping in. The cold water enveloped my skin like an icy glove.

It was warm in LA, spring, and looking back, it was too cold for a swim, but I didn’t care that night.

When I popped my head above the surface, I saw Rowan undressing, his jaw clenched as if he knew he would regret it.

I stared at him as he took everything off. His eyes darted to mine from time to time, stealing and lustful.

He dove into the water fast, my eyes only able to take him in for a second.

It didn’t matter. That body of his would soon be close to mine.

When he surfaced, he wiped the water from his face, looking around me. I was close, and I splashed at him.

He wiped his face again and glared.

“Loosen up, bodyguard,” I teased.

Rowan glared at me again. “Don’t call me that,” he said, splashing me back. “You know my name.”

I squealed and ducked into the water, swimming to him. In the dark of the water, I could see his strong legs moving, his tight abs. His hard length.

I liked knowing that being near me did that to him.

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