Page 44 of Tamed Wolf

On day three the heat ramped up, and I felt like I was being incinerated. But even in that awful state, my head and my body knew better than to give my exes an ounce of what I could offer. I decided right then and there that I would rather incinerate in real life than let them anywhere near me again. If they wanted me, they’d have to take me by force.

As big of dirt bags as they are, I know they would never take me against my will. I think they enjoyed watching me hurt for rejecting them, though. For turning down their advances like I was being dumb. LikeIwas the one messed up in the head.

I couldn't keep track of how many days passed after that, because they kept injecting me when I stopped reacting to them. I can still hear the awful way Trevor would laugh as he stabbed my thigh, plunging the foul liquid into me. And at some point, it didn't really matter anymore. I felt like I was going to die anyway, so I just tried to hold on to happy memories.

Like the way Camden felt in my arms when he was little, the secret way we used to be able to play together with nobody around to interrupt us. How we'd cuddle under the bed in a ramshackle fort and read all the library books we could get our hands on. The sweet sound of his giggle, and the way his eyes would light up when the shelter had chocolate pudding for dessert.

I spent time just trying to be with the goddess, trying to accept her and communicate with her, to feel her presence. I couldn't pray, that felt too complicated. But I imagined lying in her lap as she stroked my hair for me, pulling the tension from my body.

I know my body needs sustenance, but Trevor and Ivan have never been great about feeding me when they put me in the cage because they tell me they don't want a fat stripper, and the more they feed and water me, the more they have to let me use the bathroom. I think they realize if they don't give me anything I won't have to go. Easier for them, I guess.

I honestly thought I was dreaming when I felt the triplets nearby. I thought I was hallucinating, because good things don't happen to me.

And yet, here I am, back in their house. A place I can't help but feel safe in because nothing bad has ever known me here. Maybe I only spent one night here, but that's more happy memories than I've had anywhere else.

Having them near me is twisting the pain inside of me into something new. It's blooming, growing, making my body twist in new ways as it tries to tell me what it needs.

And this mattress I'm on? Ohgodsthe feel of these sheets alone could probably set me off at this point. “I need my clothes off,” I say, maybe out loud and maybe not. The room is spinning a bit, my eyes are blurry, and my head's a mess, but I know that I need to feel the soft flannel of the sheets against my skin.

“Here, let me help you with that, baby,” an angel says in my ear. The most delicious smell overcomes me as my eyes close, my body crying out when his hands skim against my skin, trying to pull off my shirt. The weight of his body on top of me as he works has me soaking through my underwear, my head thrashing back and forth. It's been so long since I've felt actual desire, that it takes me far too long to figure out what it is I really want.

But then he gets close to me, close enough that I can actually see his face, can trace the shape of his mouth. I need to kiss him like I need to breathe, need to feel him pushing me into this mattress like I need sleep at night.

I'm still in a bra and panties, but I can feel the roughness of his jeans and the obstacle of his belt buckle keeping us apart, and even that texture on my skin that's so overly sensitive right now has my head spinning even more.

“Do you know who I am, Lark? Do you know my name?”

I put my arms around his neck and breathe him in, in that spot between his neck and his shoulder that's so richly scented of eucalyptus and lavender, doing wonders to clear my head. “I’d know you anywhere, Beckett. You're the morning sun. You can't forget the sun even though it disappears at night. Even when the sun goes away for months in the winter, you still know it when it comes back. Are you real? Are you actually here? Or is this all a dream I'm going to wake up from and hate?”

“Can you feel my fingers on your side, Lark? Do you feel my breath on your skin? Can you feel my tongue on your skin?” And he licks against my collarbone, slowly and purposefully, then pulls back to catch my reaction.

My eyes nearly roll into the back of my head from the contact, so I try to get further into the bed so I can pull him tighter to me. “I feel you,” I whisper against him. “Can you make it better?” I know I have no right to ask, but I need this so bad. I'm shamelessly rubbing myself against him, using his body in any way I need to, any way I can reach, but the way his scent changes, intensifies even, tells me I'm okay.

“I'm going to give you anything you need, baby. You want the moon? I'll find a way to go get it. You want the world? It's yours. Nothing is too much for you right now. What do you want?”

He runs his nose against me, and I hold his head to me, my fingers running through his messy hair, trying to use his chin to push my bra out of the way so I can use his tongue all over my breasts.

“I don't think I can have all the things I want,” I pant. “There's too many of them. I want way too much. I'm notallowedto want. It took me far too long to learn that lesson.” Sadness rushes through me and I feel so shameful, so wanton, but not in a good way. “I feel like a paper plate that’s all used up. I've carried out any purpose I was supposed to have and now I'm just waiting to be thrown out. Again.” The heat rising within me is unbearable, and I'm sweating and I'm gross, but my mind won't stop focusing on how good he smells.

“I know you're completely out of your mind in the fog right now baby, and you probably won't remember any of what I'm about to tell you, but I'm going to say it just the same. I don't care if I get zapped by the goddess for saying so, because I think she'd agree with me. She gave you shit mates. I don't even have a word bad enough in my vocabulary to describe what I think of them, but they're definitely not men.

“We don't know half the things they put you through, can't list all the ways they've manipulated you over the years or how many times they made you think you're less than, but I want you to know that we're going to do whatever it godsdamned takes to undo each and every way they've made you feel bad about yourself. So when I look at you? I gotta be honest here, baby. All I see is perfection.

“Never been to the strip club before, never need to go again. You're all I need, all my brothers need, and just in case you're ready to hear it, you're all my kid needs. I don't just think you hung the moon; I think you created it. I think you've got a piece of the goddess inside you that outshines everybody else I've ever met.

“It fuckingkillsme to see you so messed up like this, knowing that all you ever asked for was to be loved, to be cared for. So no, there's nothing you could ask for that I will deny. If it's within my power, it's yours. If it's not within my power, I will find a way to get it within my power so I can give it to you. So, I'm going to ask you again.What do you want?”

If this is all in my head, then I've gotten a hell of a lot more creative than I knew I could be. Beckett dips his head again, running his tongue slowly across my collarbone and up the side of my neck, his teeth nibbling right over the spot that I was marked before. I have an instant fantasy of them erasing it for me, somehow getting rid of the filthy bond that I never really wanted, the one thattheytook from me when I was too young and too weak to stand against all the adults in my life intent on destroying me.

If all I have is right now, and if this is all I'm going to get, then I better make it count. “Take these stupid pants off,” I beg, running my hands down his side lightly, catching on the buckle there. “They're pissing me off.”

He does so much more than just take them off. He backs up, smiling at my attitude, and takes everything on his body off. I didn't think I could want like this. Not really. I always thought there was something intrinsically wrong with me, but now I think it's just because Trevor and Ivan broke me. They tainted everything that sex could be between two wolves who actually want each other, and these wolves, this pack, makes me feel safe and valued.

I fumble with my own underwear, hands uncoordinated and jerky. I can't do much and my mind is racing, my body out of control from all the shit I was given, feeling like a junkie in need of a fix.

“You need me to stop at any point, you just say so. Do you understand me, Lark? The second you start to feel discomfort, the second your desire wanes, you tell me. I don't care if I'm half a second from pumping you full of my cum, I'll pull out and back away immediately.”

“Don't…don't leave me I... I need this. I feel so broken right now, out of control. I think you guys are the only thing that can make it better.” The admission is choked out of me, but once it's out there, I don't want to take it back.

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