Page 52 of Tamed Wolf

His chair makes an awful screeching sound as he kicks it behind him, rounding the table to confront me. I flinch back because that's how I’ve been conditioned to react to such outbursts, and that seems to break him.

Blake hangs his head low, breathing hard for a minute as if to contain himself before speaking. His voice is so much lower, so much kinder when he's ready to talk again. “What is your worth, Lark? I'll give you a hint. It's not tied to the roles those assholes forced upon you; it's not tied to what anybody has done to you. It's tied to who you are in here,” he says as he taps on my chest, right above my heart. “Even the goddess can make mistakes and be disappointed in people. We have to believe mother moon will right her wrongs, though, and take care of us. Sometimes, that means we have to be patient for everything to work out. Sometimes that means that the first letdown was not a stumbling block, but a step towards what we actually deserve.

“I don't regret what we got from our nonexistent relationship with Arabella, because it brought us Rowan. That kid is perfect. We had to go through those trials in order to understand what kind of a pack we truly wanted and what we will and will not settle for in a mate. Yourstrengthis what defines you, Lark. How old were you when you met Trevor and Ivan, again? You were a teenager, right?”

“16,” I tell them in a clear voice.

“And they're what, about 10 years older than you? I just know somehow that they took advantage of you and your inexperience.”

I find myself shaking my head, which disgusts me. But it's a habit so ingrained in me to defend them, that I don't know how else to behave. “We weren't physical until just before my 17th birthday,” I explain. “They took care of me before that point though, respected me.”

Blake takes my hands in his, making sure I'm still looking at him and nowhere else in the room. “Did they actually respect you, Lark? Or did they make you feel as if you owed them something because of the bond you didn't ask for? Tell me, did they make you feel bad for not giving in to them, or make you feel as if you had to give them something if you wanted them to stick around?”

I don't know how he's reading me this well; maybe he's just a really good judge of character and can figure things out without somebody actually telling him point blank. Embarrassingly, I feel tears start to leak out of my eyes as I remember some of the earliest memories of when my life started to spiral out of control. “My parents have an age gap as well,” I tell the room. I might just be speaking to Blake, but I know the others are right next to us and listening, taking everything in as well. “They were happy for me when I brought Trevor and Ivan home that first time; my mother immediately started talking about planning a mating. I guess it was exciting, because here I was, 16 years old, and I'd found my mates.

“They were older than me, had this whole bad boy thing going on and I felt important. I was able to get some counselling while I was in the shelter, so I know now that they started separating me from my parents immediately. They didn't want me relying on anyone but themselves for anything, so maybe it shouldn't have been a surprise when less than a year later, my parents informed me they sold the house I had grown up in and planned on traveling without me.”

I'm an adult woman, damn it, I should not be hurt by the actions that 16-year-old me experienced. But I am, because there's a deep hurt in me that I don't think I'll ever actually get over.

Blake sucks in a breath, and his thumbs begin to trace soothing circles over my hands. “Whose choice was it to get physical?”

I shrug because maybe it was me, but he's right; I was pressured. “I tried to talk some sense into my father,” I recall out loud, casting my memory back to the night that changed everything. “I remember screaming at my parents, asking them what I was supposed to do because I was still in high school. Asking them what was wrong with me, why they didn't want to be my parents anymore. My brother had just moved in with his own pack, and I know my mom and dad were sick of the responsibility of having me around. I think they used my meeting Trevor and Ivan as the excuse they needed to abandon their responsibility to me. They talked themselves into believing it was okay for them to do that, because I wouldn't be alone. I had mates that were more than capable of providing for me financially, and for all they knew, they were more than willing to do so.”

“But even back then,” Brooks asks, also seeming to understand what I'm not saying, “your so-called mates didn't really take care of you, did they?”

I shake my head again and steel myself with a deep breath, wanting the catharsis that comes from ridding myself of all these demons that have been locked inside of me for so long. “You know what they said to me the night we met? That they couldn't wait to tell their girlfriend about me. That she was going to think I was adorable.

“The night that fight happened with my father, when he slapped me and I knew I had to get out of his house, I called Ivan crying, wanting nothing more than for them to come pick me up and make everything better. My foundation was falling apart underneath me, and I needed something to hold me up.

“So, I turned to my mates, because that's what I had been conditioned and instructed to do. My father made me feel as if I was being selfish and immature by not moving forward with the guys, for being cautious as I went through high school. My mother told me it was my duty to take care of my mates. But when I called the guys and told them what happened…” I let out a little sob because after replaying this situation in my head countless times over the years, after putting together all the clues of being in their club directly after, I know exactly why Ivan was out of breath when he was on the phone with me. “He was at work, and he changed rooms when I called him.

“While I was pouring my heart out, he was getting sucked off by one of his employees. And they brought me to their club after I packed up all my stuff, after I stupidly gave myself to Ivan because he convinced me it would be a good fuck you to my parents after the way they treated me, for them to know what we did in my room. He took things too far when he bit me without me giving him permission to do so.

“When we got to the club, I told myself I was okay with what was going to happen, because I knew there was nothing to do about it. They had been clear from the start that whatever I did with one of them the other one was owed as well. So as soon as Trevor saw the bite and knew what we had gotten up to, he acted like he was going to take care of me and make it sweet, but they were never careful with me. They always just took what they wanted without any consideration for how it felt for me or that the way they did things might be uncomfortable or even downright painful. I never enjoyed it. Not once did I actually enjoy myself with them when we were intimate.

“And I don't mean just that they never got me off without significant assistance from my own hand, because that's also true; I mean not once did I come away from a coupling with them feeling closer to them or feeling as if it meant anything more to them than just a way to relieve their balls.

“I felt every damn time they slept with somebody else. I don't think they were smart enough to figure that out, I had to tell them in plain words after Camden was born. Had to use my own voice to explain to them that every time they let somebody else touch them, or they touched somebody else, which was often, mind you, I basically got a front row seat.

“I hated that bond. I hated it so much. But I was trapped. I was young, I had nowhere else to go. They had very methodically cut me off from all my other friends.” I'm full-on crying now, but Blake is quick to sweep me up and carry me to the living room, sinking onto their couch and holding me firmly against him. He's wrapping his arms around me and trying to comfort me, letting me cry without making me feel bad for getting his shirt all gross.

I don't think I've ever felt like I was allowed to actually cry, to feel this deeply. I've always had to suppress it, always pressured to be strong for everybody else's sake.

Blake doesn't tell me to shush, he doesn't tell me everything's going to be okay, he just holds me. He lets me break apart, giving me a safe space to do so. And Brooks and Beckett are on either side of me, wordlessly lending me their strength as well, waiting for me to feel ready to move on.

I keep my head against Blake’s chest because it's comfortable, and because he smells like sun-soaked sage and I can’t get enough of it. “I was terrified when that pregnancy test came back positive.” My voice is quiet, but I know they can hear every word I'm saying. “I just wanted time to come to grips with it. I was 17 and pregnant and they talked me into dropping out of high school, so I had a pretty good idea of what my future with them was going to look like. They controlled every aspect of my life and knew how to use everything I wanted against me. I knew they would use my pregnancy to further control me.

“So, I hid it. I didn't tell them immediately. I knew that I had to sooner rather than later, but I wanted some sort of plan first. In my disbelief and disquiet about the pregnancy test results, I forgot that wolves could smell when their mates become pregnant. They figured it out and they were pissed when they realized I didn't tell them the second I found out. They ignored me the entire day, made me follow them around their meetings doing pointless tasks, barely fed me, and then they dropped me off at the shelter.

“They ruined me and then ruined me some more. It didn't matter how desperate I was when I begged them not to leave me there, they did it anyway. They didn't want me, but they made it clear that they were going to be back at some point for the baby. Made it seem like when I was older and more mature, we could try again, but they liked not being nagged too much to ever consider that option seriously. Not that I would have taken them back after everything went down the way it did.

“They came to visit me a few weeks after Camden was born, and I thought they were going to take him then, but I think the idea of caring for someone so wholly dependent scared the shit out of them.” That actually makes me laugh, helping my sobs to get somewhat under control. “I got a few years with Camden where we were mostly happy, or as happy as we could be under the circumstances. I got him to myself, and I had other women at the shelter helping me through everything, going through similar things themselves. I had a job there and childcare, and food to sustain me.

“But they came back, because of course they did. I don't think they intended to take me with them, I just knew I couldn't let my son leave me. So, I did what I had to do to stay in his life, and I gave all my pride to move in with them. I became their live-in maid, their servant. I felt my son slip farther and farther away from me as they turned their thinking into his thinking, and I jumped every time they asked me to. I was so sure I’d be able to carry the strength and identity I had worked so hard to establish in the shelter with me, that I’d be able to come through everything remade and strong, but it only took them a month or so to break me again. I guess I’m not strong at all.

“I took dance classes and trained at their club, then became their highest earning dancer, all so they wouldn't take away access to my son. I found out later the only reason they even wanted him was because of some inheritance clause that Ivan had; to gain control of the club and everything that went with it, he had to not only have an heir, but custody of said heir. He comes from a line of shitty men, apparently. And naturally, that club and that money was way more fucking important to them than anything, and I had entered some sort of sick game where they tried everything they could think of to humiliate and use me, because they knew I’d do anything for Camden.

“By the time I realized why they were so motivated, my son didn't want anything to do with me because of who I had morphed into; my transformation was complete. They had me sleeping in a dog kennel, tamed to within an inch of my life. I don't think I had a single independent thought for myself from then on. I had no aspirations, no hope for a better future, until the three of you walked into my club and I got to touch you.”

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