Page 34 of My New and Improved Alien Lovers

My guys all seem pretty relaxed, but I know that if something were to change, they’d be ready to defend me in an instant. “You filed a petition? You know you’re only allowed one of those per lifetime, right?”

“Of course. What do you take me for, an idiot?”

“Well, yes.” Owiin says in a clear tone. “Because you ruined the one petition you’re allowed. If you filed it for somebody named Miranda, then it’s useless unless you happen to cross paths with someone in the exact same situation with that name on this station. Got her name wrong, so the agreement won’t hold up.”

Calvin goes deadly still and takes a full measure of all three Violetians guarding me. I can't tell if he feels threatened by them, if he's annoyed that they are ruining the plans for him,or hell, maybe he wants to bone them, too. The expression he's giving could honestly go any way.

What ends up happening though, is that he pulls up a strange whistle hanging around his neck and blows into it, which has the super fun feature of drawing all the creepy 80s clown gators over to us. They surround us, and it’s all so out of control, so ridiculous, that I am very close to just laughing hysterically, because who the hell is this guy?

I tap the large purple alien in front of me in an attempt to make room for me, promising to stay right in front of them. Before things get weirder, I should try to handle this like a woman and address the date from hell straight on. “What are you even doing here? There's no way you traveled this far just to get me. What’s your game?”

“You heard what I said. What your leader here said. They took you from me, and I want you back. I wasn't done with you. Now you can be safe and come with me back to Earth, and you can put this whole absurd experiment behind you. Do these things even have dicks?”

The room goes awfully silent, and surprisingly, the creepy alligator guys put their hands up and back away from us all, shaking their heads like Calvin just committed the ultimate faux pas.

“Considering how much I've been limping all day, I can confirm, that yes; they do in fact. Not that that's any of your damn business. I still don't understand why you're here. Our date went awful, did you get me mixed up with somebody else? Somebody actually named Miranda, perhaps? Because there is nothing about our date that could have possibly led you into thinking I wanted to see you again, much less that I needed rescuing.

“As you can see from the incredibly possessive way they're handling me, I'm quite content where I am, thank you. If you seriously came here for me, sorry to say you wasted a lot of your time and energy. Our date was so bad that I got drunk and interviewed strangers on the way home to make sure I wasn't crazy for thinking an alien could offer me something better. Turns out me and my aliens are perfect together.”

“What— why are you guys getting naked? That's hardly appropriate in civilized society. Put that—oh my god. That's what they look likeflaccid?”

“Calvin The Puny And Regrettable, from Earth,” Owiin says with his shoulders back and his head held high, “we formally challenge you, asMargaret'smates,” and he emphasizes my name to prove once again how wrong this guy was about me, “to a dick fight. You have questioned our manhood in front of everyone, in front of our mate, and we do not let such slights go. You have come onto our territory, made accusations against not only us, but our mate as well, and in doing so you have lost the respect of your lackeys.”

Calvin seems to finally realize the alligators are not backing him up anymore and he looks bewildered and angry. It's kind of cute, in a super pathetic way. Until he opens his mouth. “No. We had a deal. You guys helped me—”

One of the alligators steps forward. “Even we must abide by the universal space code between mates. If they are indeed mated, which you neglected to tell us, then you have breached your contract, anyway. You chose to get involved with an alien species to help you carry out your plans, and you should have known exactly how we operate. You never, and I meanneverquestion Violetian’s dicks. Not if you want to keep yours, anyway. You're on your own, whiney man.”

My jaw drops, and I watch the incredibly intimidating demeanor of the alligators change into something you'd see at a children's birthday party from a character hired to entertain them. They start giggling and dancing their way out of the room, pausing to speak with Charlotte. I obviously cannot hear what is said, but it looks like they're apologizing profusely. I'm sure Charlotte will demand something in retribution, but I have nothing to do with that. I need to deal with this silly man in front of me. Who's incredibly delusional.

“It's shocking that you need me to tell you this considering you're a fully grown adult man, but honestly, you should just leave. That would be best for everybody. I'm not going to apologize for misleading you on our date, because there's no way in hell that’s something I did, even subconsciously.”

Calvin opens his mouth to speak and lifts a hand like he's going to make a point, but Kass interrupts him. He's not one I would peg for taking control, but then, I'm still learning about all of them. “As the omega of my triad, I vow to be a fair judge for this contest. I would ask the room be cleared out of females while the challenge commences, so that my mate does not have to keep us hidden from their eyes.”

Surprisingly, the room is already emptying of all females and most triads, save for a few that either don't have a mate, or look like they are bored out of their minds and literally want to watch a dick measuring contest. Or whatever the hell is about to happen. You know, I really don't think I even want to interfere. This idiot brought this on himself by having all of the audacity, and I must admit I'm looking forward to seeing him be further humiliated.

“Am I allowed to ask what the rules are?”

Adeema responds by spinning to kiss me, being obvious about how far down my throat he shoves his absurdly long tongue. He has me gagging on it in front of everybody watching, and it's making me want so many other things from him. But alas, this is not a live porno competition, unfortunately, so he pulls away eventually.

“He will take Owiin and I on in two separate rounds. Kass has vowed to be an impartial judge, and he can do that without sacrificing his loyalty to our triad. The rules for a dick contest are clear. If anybody watching does not agree with Kass’ ruling, they may challenge it, and we will go from there.

“We will all be given a moment to armor up and set the stage. Basically, we'll need to clear enough space to move around without stumbling into nearby objects or people. We start on Kass’ call, and we will fight each other until one of us proves they have the better dick. And if we get a little bloody, fear not. Remember, we can heal each other with our saliva. But I'm not expecting he'll be able to get anything on us, so you need not worry for us, mate.

“When the challenge is over and the winner is declared, the loser must sit in a box of shame for a week in the middle of the dining hall. He'll be at the whim of everybody eating and will survive off of their scraps. When his sentence is up, he will be banished from this space station forever.”

“That's... a bit extreme. But, okay. If this is what you do, then do it. Just please, don't get us kicked out of here. I kind of like it, alright?”

I have full faith in my mates, but I figure I better give them both a good luck kiss anyway.

“This is ridiculous,” Calvin complains. Because of course he does. “They know I didn't mean anything by my stupid remark.Everyone knows the Violetians are hung. I apologize, okay? You have no idea how hard that is for me to say, how much it physically makes me sick, but I can admit when I'm in the wrong. Occasionally. But this is one of those times. We do not need to do whatever... you're insisting we do. You win; I lose. Alright? I'll just leave, and we can put all this ridiculousness behind us.” He looks at me as if he's going to make another bid for me to come with him, but Owiin isn’t feeling generous enough to let him speak.

His eyes are glowing, and he looks scary as fuck. Definitely want to blow him right now. “If you dare to speak to our mate again after she's made it more than clear she wants nothing to do with you, we shall remove the embarrassingly small amount of flesh dangling between your legs as a favor to you, and to the known universe. Once you enter a challenge of this sort, there is no backing down. You should have known that before you inserted yourself into intergalactic politics. We do not play by earth rules. Even if some species occasionally decide to eat and colonize each other, we respect each other. We respect the rules.”

It’s wild to me that they have such strict parameters on what to do if somebody challenges your dick size, but you know what, I am not, nor have I ever been, an alien with a dick. If they want to be precious about their manhood, let them. Makes me wonder though, if they have other such contests between women who mate... never mind. Women are smarter than men. We would never.

Calvin is sweating now, and I'm taking great joy from that. Especially when Kass brings up a seat for me to sit in and hands me a big tub of something that looks similar to popcorn. He puts a big drink next to me, props my feet up, and then begins to rope off their stage. Nobody's stopping this, so this must be eithera common occurrence, or they are way more serious about this than I personally feel they need to be.

And then the armor is brought out.

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