Page 37 of My New and Improved Alien Lovers

“What the hell is this? Some sort of computer part?”

Blood is dripping on her hands a little as she handles the severed penis tip, but somehow, she does not recognize the flesh of her own kind.

“I won the fight. This is a trophy for you; he screamed beautifully when my cock blades cut it off.”

Her smile looks suspiciously like a frown. “You’re telling me this was attached to Calvin?”

“It is his penis, my mate,” Kass says as he jumps up and down in excitement. “We have carried it to you as a sign of our devotion!”

She jumps off of the eating surface and retrieves more face cloths, attempting to clean the blood off the appendage. “First of all,” she starts, hunched over and far too close to another male’s penis for my comfort, severed or not, “it is leaking some sort of oil. This…human penises bleed red blood. A lot. Please don’t ask me why I know that.

“Second of all, there areactualwires in here. Humans, canonically, are 0% electric.”

“Even in their erect penises?” Adeema asks for all of us.

“Especiallyin their erect penises. No, if this came off Calvin…” she looks up at me, waiting for me to come to the same conclusion she has.

“Le gasp! He’s not human!” Kass exclaims.

All our eyes swing to the door and the direction Calvin is now residing, wondering what we should do about this new information. Is this a big enough bit of information to alert the whole space station? Just the leadership? No one at all because we’re extremely tired?

Adeema, thinking clearer than either Kass or I since he just achieved explosive orgasms with our mate, strides forward and picks up the very-not-human-flesh-now-that-I-really-think-about-it and deposits it into our cold storage, which for reasons, is explosion-proof.

“Just in case,” he says as he locks it up and helps Margaret wash her hands.

We’re not even five steps from the cold food storage when two greatly inconvenient things happen simultaneously.

First, my body decides right at that exact moment how urgent it is that I get to the facilities— okay, three things if you want to be nosy and be all up in our goings-on.

I’m racing to the bathroom so I don’t embarrass myself by soiling my trousers in front of everyone in this astral plane whom I have deep affections for, the cold storage is rocking on its supports from an explosion that it’s muffling, and there’re several someones pounding on the front door to our residence, yelling crazy things like, “Galactic force! Open up!”

Obviously the most important thing is I continue to the facilities, so I tap Adeema in to carry out his beta duties. Hopefully he won’t just think it’s time to mate with Margaret again.

I’m fortunately quick in the bathroom, otherwise things could have been more uncomfortable, and after I’ve cleaned my hands, I walk out to find my triad still standing in the middle of our quarters, looking confused and arguing about which urgent situation to address first. Rest assured; they did not consider my personal urges to be one of them.

The choice is taken from us when the front door gets kicked in by a massive pair of boots. A being with green stretchy skin and tentacles all over comes in wearing light-darkening shades on his many-eyed face— those never look cool inside, by the way. They are holding out a badge to prove they’re who they say they are as a handful of other beings in similar uniforms to him—could the shorts have not been longer? I promise you, some of them have genitalia hanging out from the front—sweep the place.

They start to speak to us, but it is just a long, scrambled stream of letters that sounds like, “Creitlann deeeitll cubbedl alldiin poootaaytoooees akkenn yuummmmiee alden.”

We don’t respond.

They stare at us expectantly, then realize they were speaking the wrong language and try again.

“Greetings, Triad. We have questions to ask you. There has been an intergalactic investigation into a human who goes by the name Calvin, and we are led to believe that one Margaret Walker, residing here, may have ties to him.”

“That fucker was the worst choice I’ve ever made in my life,” she grumbles as she comes to my side, wrapping an arm around me for comfort. She still smells of sex and Adeema, still is donning his glittery jizz over her bare skin, and I’m not sure if I’m impressed by how nonchalant she is about speaking to officials in her naked form wearing our ejaculate proudly, or if I want to cover her up.

Kass runs to the kitchen and collects a few eating plates, bringing them to her and holding them up to cover up her breasts. That’ll work as well as anything else, I suppose. Especially when Adeema stands behind her and uses his hands wrapped around her waist to cover up her other precious parts.

“Yes?” She asks, with all the self-importance of a ruler. She isfantastic.

It takes a minute for the being to find words again, completely thrown off by her casual nudity. “Y-yes. We’ve been trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty. No, no, that’s not right. Give me a moment, it’s up here somewhere.” The being begins to vigorously shake their head, wrapping their tentacles tightly about their neck as they do. Then they stop suddenly and stand upright once more. “We’ve been trying to collect this guy for many years— he is a professional scammer. We weren’t able to get to your grandmother in time, but we do have his whole collected wealth and properties spanning the galaxy we could offer you in recompense.”

“I’m sorry, what? What did Calvin do, exactly, besides being a major twat?”

One of the officers walks into the room, interrupting us. “All clear, Superior, although their cold storage exhibits signs of an internal combustion. They may want to get that serviced.”

“Thank you, Captain.” They nod to us and gesture to the sofas. “May we sit in your gathering room, perchance?”

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