Page 38 of My New and Improved Alien Lovers

Margaret shuffles over, holding the plates in place still until she can grab a blanket from the couch and wrap herself in that instead. She plops down rather unceremoniously onto our sofa, curls into my side when I do the same, and then stares at the being from the galactic force, waiting for them to tell us why they’re in our home when we would much rather be sleeping.

“He has been scamming many people whenever he could get the chance, though you are the first human he chased across the actual galaxy. Take that as a compliment if you will.”

“From him? Never,” Margaret replies immediately, making me smile and kiss her head.

“Anyway, he would target older humans, we are led to believe, selling them a magic bean that he would convince them held the keys to a future kingdom for their family. That they were saving a race of creatures—”

“Are you telling us the whole speech he gave us regarding our mate being the heir to the Tulip People was a falsehood?”

The agent opens and closes their mouth of needle-sharp teeth several times before they’re ready to speak. “You are quick to come to the correct conclusion. Your grandmother unknowingly signed you away, Margaret, thinking you would become the queen of a mythical planet in exchange. He’s done this to a few others as well, making himself incredibly rich in the process as the elderly people would give him their life savings in order to be the savior of the people he made up. In their defense though,Calvin made a very believable case. I am unsurprised that so many people fell for it.

“Our questions though, are how much contact did you have with Calvin, and did you sign anything for him? Did you agree, even verbally, to do anything for him or go anywhere with him?”

“We had one date, which was fucking terrible, and then I signed myself up to mate with these fine-ass aliens next to me. That was the last I heard of Calvin before he came to this station demanding to meet with someone named Miranda. Then he challenged these guys to a dick fight, maybe unknowingly, and lost drastically from what I hear.

“He tried to tell me I was meant to be the savior of the Tulip People, but I thought he was full of shit so I left to come bang one of my alien husbands, and then eventually the rest of my triad came home and presented me with a severed penis as a gift— which is quite thoughtful now that I think about it, but it turns out his penis was full of wires and very much not human flesh, so they put it in the fridge? And then I think it blew up. I don’t know, haven’t looked yet because you all barged in here at that point.”

“It must have been the dick fight that was his downfall. I see…would you be willing to sign a statement, that what you are telling me is true to the best of your knowledge?”

“If it means I get to sleep soon, absolutely.”

“Apologies, Margaret. So just to be clear, you didn’t agree to go with him in order to gain this mythical kingdom?”

She sighs, exhausted. “That’s what I said, yes.”

“Well, assuming everything you’ve told us matches up with the rest of the investigation, we can clear you of any reasonabledoubt of involvement with this intergalactic scheme. He’s had partners in other settlements and planets colluding with him.”

“Excuse me, if she had agreed to go with him in the interest of inheriting this mythical kingdom, what would have happened to our mate?”

The look this galactic officer gives me tells me I probably won’t like his answer, so I lift her into my lap, where I’m happiest, and wrap my arms around her before he hits us with it.

“Well, she would have been transported to a private station we’ve recently discovered and are in the process of doing a raid on, and he would have tried to woo her. We believe he was looking for someone to partner up with him, we suspect he wanted a wife who had a vested interest in space living. This scam has been going on for a while; they have been amassing wealth for quite some time.”

“And, uh, if I didn’t want to be his wife?” She shudders and then gags simultaneously. Very attractive.

“You’d have been turned into a bean and given to someone else for consumption.”

“Pleasant. Well, thank the good lord I had no interest in that man— wait, why was dick not human?”

“That, is not so pleasant.”

“Because everything leading up to now has been incredibly so,” Margaret sasses him, giving me a total erection. Not ashamed.

“Well, he hasn’t been human for some time. We believe, and this is still an ongoing investigation, so we don’t have all the facts, that he sold his soul some time ago to a demonic presence in the far reaches of the galaxy in exchange for a very long life. He’s been giving up parts of himself to this being every handful of years, and the being turns him into a bionic man one pieceat a time. It’s remarkable, really. Completely unhinged, but remarkable.

“Calvin’s error was targeting somebody that couldn’t deal with his, well, bullshit, for lack of a better word. If we have any further questions, we’ll let you know.”

He and his team get up to leave but pause before walking through the doorway. “Oh, and the money he conned from your grandmother was intended for you, so it shall be awarded back to you. Also, he preemptively named you his beneficiary an extremely unnecessary will that was full of terrible jokes, so you’re sort of rich now. I do believe you could buy your own space station if you wanted. Have a good day.”

The silence is a bit unnerving when everyone leaves, and I have half a mind to track the officer down and force him to remove the severed bionic penis in my cold food storage but decide that’s a problem for the me that exists upon waking.

All any of us want at this point is to crawl into our triad bed and hold our mate and sleep until we can’t anymore.

And would it really harm anyone if we had some very detailed, very erotic dreams of our wonderful mate or each other?

Margaret

It seems the proper way to end all this drama is with an orgy.

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