Adam nodded, as if he was confirming something truly horrible.
“Okaayy . . .”
Thatwasa little dickish. But she knew his reason behind it and understood why he felt the need to do it.
But still . . .
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said. “I couldn’t live with myself.”
Chelsea looked away from his pleading eyes and picked up the pace. They turned a few more corners, walked down a long hallway, and finally arrived at her big wooden bedroom door. In the silent walk, Chelsea had decided she was going to lay it on the line. She wanted Adam. But not just for one night or as friends with benefits. She wanted him in her life for real, as apermanent fixture. She knew he came with baggage, but so did she. And she knew about his medical problems, but to her, losing someone who loves you is a lot different from someone deciding to walk away.
The problem was that he was incredibly skittish, and if she framed it that way, he would run for the hills.
So she tried to use some tact. “Maybe we could just take things slow.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well,” Chelsea said, summoning some courage. “We’re already in this . . . situationship.”
His brows rose, and his half grin came out.
“It’s like we’re keeping each other in our shopping carts, not sure if we should hit Checkout or Delete Item.”
Adam laughed.
“What if we just slowly fill out our address and credit card information? See how it goes?”
He dropped his head. “I wish that didn’t make sense.”
Chelsea smiled. “Can I ask you something?”
Adam stayed in place, silent. She took that as a yes.
“Whydidn’tyou have a vasectomy?”
He finally moved. Dropping a kiss on her cheek, he wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her into his warm, hard chest. They stayed like that in the darkened hallway for a while before he answered. She wasn’t sure whether it was to avoid eye contact while he confessed or whether he just needed the comfort of a friend.
“I was scheduled to have it done. Which was super fucking awkward since my friend’s mom is the nurse at the clinic and I had to hand her a cup of my jizz.”
Chelsea laughed. He let out one chuckle, then swallowed and went still.
“At the last minute . . . I just couldn’t go through with it. Maybe I selfishly hoped that . . .”
She could feel him shake his head above her, tortured.
“That what?” she asked, voice muffled in his heavenly scented arms.
He squeezed tighter. “That somehow I might accidentally get someone pregnant. And I wouldn’t have to feel like an asshole for bringing a child into the world, because it wouldn’t have been a decision I made. And then I would get to be a dad, guilt free, for the rest of my life.”
Chelsea wanted to cry for him. She held him tight, ready to one-click buy him, despite all the bad reviews and red flags. He had such a big heart. And he cared so much for the people in his life. He would be an amazing dad.
“I’m super fucked up,” he said in a low voice.
Chelsea pulled back, looked into his eyes. “I know.”
He looked down again, gave a single resigned nod.
Chelsea reached a hand up to his cheek. She rose onto her toes and held his gaze before taking his lips with hers.