Page 113 of Not Made to Last

Even when the cops were pulling me off him… I couldn’t…

I couldn’t finish the job.

I was arrested, pleaded guilty, because there needed to be a punishment that fit the crime.

It was the sole reason I was there in the first place.

I don’t go into the details about juvie because Liv, the only person who I’m really telling all this to, already knows about it. But, after Curtis found me the way he did, he wrote up a report, and we sued that guard—Williams—and the entire detention center, and we won. Williams was immediately dismissed and stripped of any future benefits.

Days after I got out, I bought a gun and hid it in a vent in the bathroom. I thought Williams would come for me, and this time, I wanted to be prepared. He was in my head all the time. I’d have horrible nightmares—flashbacks—of him, the other boys, the beatings…

At the beginning, they were so bad that the only way I thought to stop them was to end it all. One night, I was about to do just that. I was sitting at the edge of the pool, loading the gun, when I got a text…

I look up for the first time since I started talking and right into Liv’s tear-filled eyes. I release her hands, just long enough to wipe at her cheeks. “You asked me if I ever felt like I wasn’t breathing. Do you remember that?”

Liv nods, releasing a sob that tears through her.

“Swear, Liv, your words… I’d never felt so seen. So protected by someone who didn’t even know me. And then that night when you hit me with your truck? I told you I left my farewell party, and I meant it… that night, I was going to…” I trail off, not needed to say anymore. “You saved me, more times thanyou even know… Every time I felt that darkness creeping in, I picked up my phone and you were there. Always. But… I think I’d somehow blocked out the events of the day that got me thrown in juvie—the day I entered Nick’s house and did what I did. I blocked it all out, and I never thought about it, until last week…” I swallow the knot in my throat. “Last week, we found out that another girl had accused that motherfucker of the same thing. But this time, she had proof—video footage from one of those nanny cams. When the investigators looked into him, they sawmultipleaccusations, all with the same ending—not enough evidence. The prosecutors reached out to all the girls, including Izzy, and they wanted her to testify in court. She agreed to do it, and I wanted to be there for her, but I didn’t think about how seeing him would affect me… mentally. I hadn’t slept in days. I still haven’t. Every time I close my eyes, I see his face covered in crimson, see his bloodshot eyes staring back at me, fuckingpleadingfor his life. I keep feeling his neck between my hands… and I keep thinking about how… how if I’d just finished him then… maybe I could’ve saved the other girls. And that’s what I was thinking about last night when I grabbed the gun, but… I told you I needed you, and you came for me. You protected me. You stopped me from drowning. You forced me tobreathe. One more time. Every time.” I press my lips to hers. “I’ve loved you for years, Olivia. From the first time you saved me and all the times in between. I loved you then, now, and always.”

For the first time since I started bleeding my soul to a filled room, I look around. My mom and sister are crying. So is Belinda. My dad’s looking out the window, his fists balled, and Oscar and Dominic have their heads bowed. Curtis has left the room, and I know why. He’s heard this story before, and it’s ruined him in ways I can’t even fathom. Curtis and Belinda have two girls, and even though he’s seen the worst of the worst, it’s different when it’s someone he knows. I focus on Dad again.“Dad?” I say and wait for him to turn to me. “I know you guys will want me to move back into the house, but I can’t… I can’t go back there. There’s just too much?—”

“I can buy you another house by the end of the day, son,” he says, already pulling out his phone.

Mom wipes at her tears. “And I can have it furnished by tomorrow.”

Dad adds, “And for now, we’re staying here. All of us. And your mother and I can take turns staying with each of you, until your sister graduates, and then?—”

“And then we can see what happens then. But we’ll make it work. Whatever you need. As long as it’s not pushing us away.”

“I’m not pushing away,” I say, exhausted. “That’s not what I want.”

“Then what do you want?”

I tighten my grasp on Liv’s hand. “I don’t…”

“I’ll buy another house,” Dad says.

“No.” All attention shifts to Dominic, who’s sat silent this entire time. He lifts his head, his eyes red, raw, and right on mine. “You’re staying here with us.”

65

Rhys

It’s been almost a week of me staying with Liv, and I can’t sleep. Again. And not for the same reasons as before. I don’t have those same dreams or thoughts when I have Liv in my arms, but my mind is restless, and so my body is, too.

I haven’t gone back to St. Luke’s yet, and I don’t know if I ever will, which means I’m going to have to have that conversation with Oscar, and I don’t know if I’m ready for it.

I’m up and out of the house before everyone else, and I don’t come back until after dinner. I keep Liv posted on where I am and who I’m with… what I’m doing. Usually, I spend the days hanging out with my sister while she’s still in town, and a few nights, I’ve babysat for Belinda and Curtis so they could go on dates—something they don’t do often enough, according to Belinda. I also annoy Oscar at his work. Basically, I do whatever I can to avoid being at the house, because I don’t want to disrupt their routine. In other words, I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want them to feel like they have to feed me or care for me or… I guess I don’t want them to pity me. I feel emasculated enough.And, yes, I know that I shouldn’t be feeling that way, but it is what it is.

It’s just after 3 a.m. now and the house is quiet, but the thoughts inside my head are screaming so loud that I can’t lie still.

Liv’s fast asleep beside me, her head on my chest, arms and legs over me as if she’s afraid I’m going to up and leave and never come back. Just so we’re clear, I wouldneverdo that to her. She’s my entire world, and I don’t see that changing. Ever.

Slowly, carefully, I remove her arms from around me and get out of bed. I slip on my running clothes, my shoes, and grab the set of keys she had cut for me. I leave through the glass sliding door onto her patio and then out through the side gate. The first thing I do is text her to let her know where I am, and then I run, hoping to rid my body of the nervous energy that’s been simmering inside me for days.

I can’t stay here forever, and I can’t take Liv away from her brothers… I also need to figure out what the fuck to do with my life, because this wandering around aimlessly isn’t fulfilling. Neither is running around aimlessly, apparently, because I do it for an entire hour before I’m back at the house and nothing has changed. No decisions have been made. No solutions have been found. I stand in front of her house a moment, trying to catch my breath. The only lights come from the staircase and Max’s room. Max… the kid fills me with so much unexpected joy; I genuinely don’t know how he does it.

Since I’m clearly not ready to get back into bed, I take the side alley to the playground behind the house and sit at the spot where I found Olivia that one time. It’s weird—how long ago thatinteraction seems. It’s only been two weeks, but it may as well be a different lifetime.

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