Page 74 of Not Made to Last

I need to feel like I’m dying in order to feel alive.

That sounds a hell of a lot worse than it actually is.

Sorry if all this wakes you. And I’m sorry if you’re someone who carries the weight of other people’s emotions. Please don’t carry mine. I’m not worth it. But also, if you are one of those people. Welcome, and hi.

I lock the screen and practically throw the phone back in my nightstand, but just as I’m about to shut the drawer, a text comes through. And it’s strange—how badly I wanted a response from him, how quickly I’d jumped at every other message he’d sent, but this time… I hesitate, almost fearful of what he has to say. With bated breath, I grab the phone, read his words.

Not Fridge Guy

I get it.

And I’m sorry that you have to get it too.

I fall asleep with tears in my eyes, dreaming of oceans and waves dragging me under.

I wake up to the sunlight streaming through my window, and the first thing I do is check the phone. My breath catches, heart racing at the sight of the unread text message waiting for me.

Not Fridge Guy

I was thinking about what you said—about the waves knocking you down, taking you under… and I think I figured it out—why you don’t gasp for air. You said it yourself; your lungs are already filled with oxygen. You can’t drown. You float. So just keep doing that. Breathe. One more time. Every time. And I promise to do the same. – Rhys

39

Rhys

In the third and final book of theMiles and His Miracles Trilogy, the readers find out that Miles is dying.

Pretty fucked up, right?

It turns out that the giant house he claimed to live in was, in reality, a hospital, and all his tutors and nannies? They were his nurses. And the reason he was so fascinated with miracles is that he once overheard his doctors telling his mother that, in order for him to live, they would need amiracle.

Miles had no clue what a miracle was, and even throughout his search for it, he still failed to comprehend it completely. Regardless, the search continued, as far as his mom and Internet strangers would allow, for this mysterious, ever-elusive miracle.

And this is where things get messy because at some point throughout the captivating storytelling that lasts three full-length novels, we, the readers, forget one crucial fact.

Miles issix.

He wasn’t the one searching the Internet for people who had experienced miracles.

He wasn’t the one inviting them into his hospital room to tell him all about it.

And he sure as hell wasn’t the one forcing false hope down his throat, as if swallowing the lies would be enough to save him.

Miles was dying, and he’d been dying since the day he was born. The life he’d been living was all he’d ever experienced. All he’d ever known. Sure, he’d seen things in movies or on YouTube videos, but that’s all they were. Digital moving pictures that were created for his entertainment. He knew of nothing else but the sickness that lived inside him, clawing at his insides until there was nothing left to take. Even so, he was happy. He was surrounded by people who cared about him. People who wanted to see good happen to him. He was content in his life until his life itself wasn’t enough.

Toward the end of his time, his parents and all his doctors and nurses threw an elaborate celebration that included—you guessed it—amiracle. A fake one, of course. Just like the fake stories they’d drilled into his head about the mansion he lived in and the maids and the tutors and everything in between. And as Miles lay in his bed, dying, he forced a smile at the people who had curated his life for him. A life filled with nothing but lies. And he was torn.

Torn betweentheirtruth andthetruth.

And as Miles struggled to breathe as he walked the path from this life to the next, it suddenly occurred to him that everyone had spent his entire life trying to keep him alive, but in the end, Miles never actually got tolive.

Miles’ mom stood at the side of his deathbed, his hand in hers, and on his final breath, she said four simple words that put an end to the misery.

To the trilogy.

“My miracle is you.”

It was then, as Miles’s eyes closed for the last time, that he finally realized the truth of his life.

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