Page 14 of A More Than Mayhem Christmas

“Oh, yeah?” he asks. “Remember last year when you had to order and apply fake eyebrows for me because Jake had the boys hold me down so he couldwaxthem right off my face? Yeah, baby, it’s fucking war.”

6

Mikayla

There’s a stillness about the Preston property thatbrings a sense of peace, of calm.

Or, at least, it used to.

I’m not exactly sure when things changed.

WhenIchanged.

A text comes through on my phone, and I hesitate to check it. As soon as we got in the car to drive here, I sent Mandy, Jake’s mom, a message apologizing for not being “myself” earlier. It was the only way I could describe how I’ve been feeling and acting lately without going into detail. Besides, how do you tell the mother of your boyfriend that her son unintentionally made her question her own self-worth?

I may be experiencing what some might refer to as a mid-life crisis… at the ripe old age of twenty-nine.

Ugh.

After sucking in a breath, I let it out slowly, then read Mandy’s reply:

Oh, sweetheart. We loved spending time with you today and love having you home more. You never have to apologize to us for anything. We LOVE you. And we’re always here if you need anything.

A knot forms in my throat at her words, but I’m quick to swallow it down. It’s clear, even to me, that there’s so much I need. I just don’t know exactlywhatit is, and so I don’t know how to ask for it.

I’ve been in my head a lot lately, obviously, and I’m fully aware it’s not the best place to be, but I can’t seem to escape it.

Jake’s parents, Nathan and Mandy, and even his sister, Julie, have been a blessing in my life, and even though I know that, I can’t seem to shake these waves of longing that lead to desperation.

I write back:

I love you too.

Because I do. With everything inside me. And yet, it still doesn’t feel like enough.

Blinking back the heat burning behind my eyes, I lower the phone to my lap and glance over at Jake. Shoulders bunched, he has one hand on the steering wheel, the other a fist as it rests on his leg. His brow is furrowed, filled with worry, the same way it is whenever he looks at me lately.

I wish I could fix this.

Fixus.

But I need to somehow fix me first.

Jake must sense my eyes on him, because he glances in my direction, but doesn’t say a word.

Within seconds, we’re pulling into Cam and Lucy’s driveway, the trees surrounding it so familiar, and yet… it’s instant… this sudden ache in my chest that’s impossible to ignore. Memories flash through my mind, one after the other, and I close my eyes, try to force them away. The first time I came here was in a limo with a bunch of strangers. It was the night of senior prom. Earlier, I’d been out to dinner with my friends, and I’d caught my boyfriend and best friend together. I fell apart outside the restroom where they’d just had sex, and Jake… Jake was there to pick up the pieces.

I spent the night athisprom, withhisfriends, and then we came backhere, to this cabin, where I spent hours around a campfire by the private lake, getting to know the people who would later become my friends.

I was so carefree then, soclueless. I had no idea of the tragedy that awaited me.

That night was the first time Jake and I ever met, and it was the beginning ofourstory. But it was also the end of a huge part of mine. Hours later, when that same limo brought me home, my life… my entire world collapsed and turned intoliteralash.

I grab Jake’s hand, trying hard not to squeeze too tight. I need his touch now as much as I needed it then, and maybe… maybe that’s the source of all my problems. I’vealwaysneeded him.

“You okay?” he asks, bringing my hand closer to his chest.

“Yeah,” I lie. “I’m fine.”

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