Page 31 of A More Than Mayhem Christmas

I look around the room at our friends, all of them waiting for answers, and I don’t want to be having this conversation. Not now. Not with an audience.

Roman covers Heidi’s mouth, and she’s quick to pull down on his arm. “I wasn’t going to say anything,” she tells him.

He shrugs. “I just wanted to fit in.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Lucy asks, the hurt in her voice unmistakable. Tears form in her eyes that bring on my own, and I wish the world would swallow me whole. I’m aware how amazing my friends are, how they would swoop in at the drop of a hat to be there for me, but if I can’t reveal my feelings to Jake, then how am I supposed to do it with them? And believe me, Iknowhow this looks from the outside—like I’m purposely keeping secrets from the people who care about me the most. Or like I’m not committed to Jake as much as he is to me. But that’s not what this is. It’s not even close. “You guys…” I cry, a single tear losing its battle to hold strong. “It’s not that I don’t want to marry Jake, It’s…” How do I even begin to explain the emotions I’ve been drowning in for far too long?

Heidi’s tone is understanding, not judgmental, when she asks, “It’s what?”

I wipe at my tears, focusing on everyone’s eyes on mine, then slowly turn to Jake. His stare is empty, void of the emotion he’s been carrying lately. I know, deep in my heart, in my gut, if I don’t open up soon, I’ll lose him. And that, to me, is a fate far worse than death. I approach him, sniffing back my heartbreak. “Can we talk?” I ask, motioning to the door. “Outside maybe?”

“Great idea! Give us one minute.” Amanda chimes in.

I shake my head. “I meant just me and Jake.”

“I know.” She holds up a finger. “One minute. Maybe two.”

Confused, I stand by Jake as our friends huddle together, their heads bowed to the middle, whispering words too quiet to hear. After a moment, Amanda yells, “Ready?”

The rest of the gang clap once and shout, “Break!”

And then they’re off, rushing in all different directions, gathering… supplies, I guess? I don’t really know, and honestly, I’m too deep in my own head to try to figure it out.

Dylan stands by us, his stance wide, arms crossed. “I’m supposed to be making sure you don’t move.”

I hadn’t planned to.

Once the commotion ends, Amanda enters the living room and takes my hand in hers. “It’s ready.”

“What’s ready?”

She doesn’t answer, just hands me and Jake our coats and waits patiently for us to slip them on. Then she leads us out to the front porch, where everyone else is waiting. In the space of a few minutes, they’ve gathered Katie’s mattress and placed it on the porch, along with some blankets, a portable heater, food, wine and even hot chocolate.

“You have no excuses now,” Amanda tells us. “So take your time.”

I face her. “You’re a therapist twenty-four-seven, huh?”

She shrugs, smiling proudly. “Can’t help it.”

“Try living with her,” Logan mumbles, and the glare Amanda throws his way is enough to set the entire cabin ablaze. Logan grins from ear to ear, switching his tone. “It’s the best!”

“Get your ass inside,” Amanda orders.

“Yes, ma’am.”

They all file back into the house, one by one, leaving me and Jake alone. I turn to him, try to offer a smile, but surely fail. There are so many things I’ve wanted to say to him, and it’s not as if I haven’t tried before. I have. But it’s so hard to put myself back in the moments and memories that have made me like this.

He sits on the mattress, his back against the cabin siding, and picks up a hot chocolate. “Come on,” he says, motioning for me to sit beside him.

I do as he asks, grabbing the blankets and carefully placing them over our laps. He hands me the warm drink, then grabs his own. For a long moment, we do nothing but sip and stare out at the darkness in front of us, and I find myself in the same predicament I always do whenever these quiet moments fall between us—so much I want to say, but I don’t know where to start. I decide to start with tonight and hopefully work my way back. After clearing my throat, I ask, “You were going to propose to me tonight?”

Jake practically downs his hot chocolate, putting the mug aside before answering, “No.”

I lift the ring up between us. “Then why is this here?”

“Because I’ve been carrying it with me everywhere since the last time I asked you.”

I turn to him. Not just my head, but my entire body.

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