Page 151 of Liam

I did, however, ask Addie’s permission first.

Her response? “I don’t care. Your fans have to lick you through a screen. I get to do it in real life.”

You know what’s fucking cool? Having Addie as a girlfriend.

The tripod is set up facing away from the studio, and Linc and I wash Chicken while naming our top threes. Top three movies, songs, things we’re proud of, irrational fears—you get the idea. It’s a topic we discuss often on the channel, because even though Linc and I are twins and we almost always think the same, the times we don’t always lead to ridiculous arguments where Linc curses and hurls insults at me, and I laugh at his reaction. Our viewers seem to love it.

“Top three celebrity crushes,” Lincoln says, slapping Chicken with a foam sponge.

“Go easy on her,” I say, squatting down and rubbing Chicken’s snout. “She’s just a baby.”

“She’s absolutely not a baby,” he says. “What even is the life-span of a pig?”

He grabs the towel on the roof of the minivan and dries his hands before reaching for his phone and tapping away. “What is the life-span of a pig?” he says out loud. “Ten to fifteen years.” He looks up. “When did we get her?”

Lucas and Logan had Chicken delivered to Leo’s dorm as a prank during his one year of college. They thought they’d ordered one of those miniature pigs. They were scammed. “When was Leo in college?” I ask.

Lincoln motions to the camera, as if I’d forgotten it was there. I hadn’t. “I’ll edit it out,” I tell him.

Because of Leo’s occupation and who the father of his wife is, he’s the only one of our siblings we don’t mention by name.

“Five years ago,” Linc answers my previous question. “She’s not a baby anymore.”

“That doesn’t mean you should slap her with shit!”

“Top three celebrities, motherfucker!” he shouts, spraying me with the hose.

I try to block the spray, but he just shifts his target. “Addie! Addie! Addie!”

He stops spraying. “She’s not a celebrity!”

“She’s a college athlete.”

“She’s a college athlete,” he mocks. Then he motions to the camera again. “You going to leave that in?”

“I’ll edit it out.” I also don’t mention Addie in our videos, not because I’m trying to hide the fact that she exists, but because we agreed to wait. Still, some viewers clued in on it already, because I left an inch of her toes in one of our shots.Insane.

Liam sprays me again. “You’re going to edit this whole fucking video out.”

I charge at him, grabbing the hose. Then I bust his rib with my shoulder, tackling him to the ground. He lands with anoof, then a burst of laughter. I push on his side, forcing him to roll over once. Twice. Then quickly press my foot to his chest, aim the nozzle at his face, but don’t pull the trigger. “Top three celebrities, motherfucker!”

“We’re going to get demonetized if you keep swearing.”

“Oh, yeah.” I roll my eyes. “I’m the fucking problem.” I spray directly on his face.

“Fuck you!” he laughs out.

“Number one?”

“Julie Andrews!”

“She’s not a celebrity,” I mock, repeating his words. “And didn’t you break up?”

He laughs harder. “No, I meantheJulie Andrews.”

I go to spray him again, then stop abruptly. “Wait.Mary PoppinsJulie Andrews or Julie Andrews now?”

“Neither,” he says. “The Princess DiariesJulie Andrews.”

---