Page 98 of Liam

Punishment for my crimes.

36

Addie

The memories I have are fragmented—like shattered pieces of glass spread out over sand, some more hidden than others.

I remember the heaviness of the rain as it pelted down on the windshield, and the sound it made when it collided with the roof of the car. I remember the headlights—the only thing visible until bolts of lightning broke through the atmosphere, lit up the world, but only for a second…

I remember the screams, remember feeling the ache in my throat when I realized they were coming from me.

I remember the blood rushing to my head, and the seat belt cutting into my flesh as it held me in place.

I remember standing outside of the car, but I don’t remember how I got there. Pierson was in front of me, and I remember him asking if I was okay, over and over, and there was this pounding in my head and this ringing in my ears and then?—

I remember achildcrying…

It was coming from below us, and I remember looking down at my feet and realizing I wasn’t standing on the ground. I was standing on the underside of another car.

I remember the sirens.

And then?—

I remember the darkness.

Waves upon waves of it.

And the next time I saw light, it was from a hospital bed.

Liam’s still staring at the picture on my phone long after I’ve finished telling him about the accident—or, at least, what I remember of it. After a moment, he looks up, his gaze as distant as the memories I’ve tried to capture since that night. “Why do I feel like I’ve seen this before?” he murmurs, focusing on my phone again. It’s an image of two cars on the side of a cliff while multiple first responders work at removing the bodies. One car is upside down, having flipped down an embankment first, only stopping because a tree got in the way. The other is upright, partially on top of it, the back half crushed completely. I realized later that opening my door allowed me to step directly onto the underside of the other car.

The picture of the wreck is the only one I’ve managed to find in the almost three years since it happened. It was used in an article written about the accident, headlined:Three Deceased. Three Injured. Teen Charged with Felony Death by Vehicle.

I’m not surprised he’s seen it before. “It happened near here,” I tell him.

“Jesus, Addie,” he whispers, shaking his head as his eyes land on mine. “How the fuck are you not dead right now?”

“I’ve asked the same question multiple times.” In the weeks and months after the accident, I often wished I was. “I should be.”

“But you’renot,” Liam says, handing my phone back. He exhales a harsh breath before adding, “I’m not one to fall at the feet of some higher power, or even one who believes solely in fate, but… you being here—that’s got to make you feel a certain way.”

“Yeah.” I wipe at the never-ending tears that have kept me company for days now. “It makes me feelguilty.”

“Because you survived and others didn’t?”

“No,” I cry, shaking my head. “Because there were three people in our car that night.” I swallow the knot of anguish that has snowballed for years. “There was this guy walking on the side of the road—too damn close to traffic. It was pouring out, and Pierson—he said we should pull over and help. So we did. He was a complete stranger to us, but he must’ve been desperate, because he got in the car, and a few minutes later… he was dead.” A sob bursts out of me, and Liam’s quick to throw his arm around my shoulders, hold me to him.I don’t deserve this.“Liam…” I pull back. “We were in Pierson’s car, but… but he wasn’t the one driving.” My eyes widen as the words leave me. It’s been years since I’ve said them out loud. But when I have, I said them over and over. Screamed them. I needed people to hear me. I needed people to listen. Because even though I was the one driving?—

“Pierson said it was him?” Liam murmurs.

I face him, my breaths strained by the guilt choking my airways.

“Why would he lie?”

“I don’t know,” I cry. “I mean, I can guess, but?—”

“So guess. Addie,” he says. “I know this is hard for you, but… for selfish reasons, I need you to tell me as much as you remember. I need you to make me understand.”

I wipe at my eyes, nodding. And then I take a moment to gather my thoughts into words. After everything I’ve put Liam through, he deserves more than the truth. He deserves it all.

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