Page 113 of A Bolt of Magic

We embrace, and I feel tears prick my eyes at having her back, even if it’s only temporary. “How are you feeling today, Grandmother?”

“Much better, thank you. How are things with you, sweetheart? Are you settling back into life with the coven?”

“Yes, thank you. Although it all seems so different. Actually, I don’t think that’s true. I think it’s me who has changed.”

“Life certainly has a way of doing that, does it not? It also has a way of going too quickly.”

“You’re right; it feels just like yesterday that I was a little girl.”

“It feels like yesterday for me, too, McColl. One or two blinks of an eye, and it’s over.” Her eyes go hazy in thought.

“Do you remember that toy bear you knitted for me?”

My grandmother’s expression grows confused.

“It was blue instead of the usual brown. I couldn’t have been more than two or three summers old. It was the cutest thing.”

“Oh! Yes…I remember now.” She smiles.

“I loved that silly bear. Took it with me everywhere. You had to repair him several times.”

She nods, still smiling.

“Eventually, all of its limbs fell off, and my mother threw it away while I was sleeping. I was distraught. I can’t, for the life of me, remember what his name was.”

She shakes her head, her eyes hazy. “I’m sorry, dear one. I don’t…I can’t…” She presses her fingers to her temples, her brow furrowing. “My mind feels so foggy sometimes. Like trying to see through thick soup.” She lies back down on her pillows.

“It’s alright,” I say quickly, taking her hand. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not even sure why I brought it up.”

The frustration in her eyes makes my heart ache. After a few moments, though, she seems to refocus, squeezing my hand with surprising strength.

“Tell me, how did things go with your handsome fae?” she asks, her eyes twinkling with curiosity. “Did you take my advice? Did you use him like I told you to? Not just for pleasure but to get your magic?”

I feel heat rise in my cheeks. “We spent two nights together,” I admit quietly.

“Did it work?”

“Yes…b—”

She mutters something garbled. Then something else.

I’m trying to make sense of what she is saying, but I also can’t get what she said before that out of my head. The words hit me like a shock to the system. I didn’t use Kian. I would never do such a thing. We spoke about it and agreed it would be the best course of action. An agreement and using someone are two very different things. My grandmother is kind and sweet. I’m sure shedidn’t mean it like it came out. Her thoughts came out all wrong. That had to have been it. She isn’t like that. She would hate for me to use another person, fae or witch – it wouldn’t matter to her. She’d hate it. She’d be angry with me.

What Kian and I shared was beautiful, meaningful, born of genuine desire and—

“Um…it—” I start to correct her, to explain that it wasn’t like that, but she seems to have drifted off to sleep mid-conversation. Her eyes flutter closed, and her breathing deepens.

“Grandmother?” I whisper, gently shaking her shoulder. “Grandmother, can you hear me?”

But she doesn’t respond. Whatever window of clarity had opened has closed again.

I sit there for a long while, holding her frail hand, my thoughts churning. I’m torn between so many conflicting emotions and desires. Part of me wants to stay here with my people, to help prepare them for the coming battle, to do good work within my coven. Something tells me my grandmother doesn’t have much time left, and the thought of leaving her is almost unbearable.

But the thought of Kian leaving without me…that’s agony, too. After spending these nights with him, after feeling what it’s like to be cherished and desired and seen for who I am, I don’t think I can just watch him leave. The idea of going back to my old life, of pretending these feelings don’t exist, feels impossible.

Maybe I should talk to him about going with him. If he agrees, if he wants me to come, then I will. If he declines, then I’ll stay and do whatever good I can here, but I have to try.

One thing I know for certain: I never used Kian. I would never do such a thing. What she said sits wrong with me, like a stone in my stomach. Her mind must be more addled than I realized. She’s confused about what happened between us, about what it meant.

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