Page 116 of A Bolt of Magic

McColl used me to get access to greater power.Used. It’s such a hard word. It hurts so much I can’t breathe.

I can’t trust her. I can’t trust what I am seeing. I won’t!

This is destroying me, but she can never know my true feelings. I harden my heart. I have to.

“It was good. We both have our powers. The sex was amazing. The best of my life,” I push out. “If I had more time, we could go to bed one last time, but I’m afraid it isn’t to be. I need to get going.”

The words taste bad in my mouth, but I force them out anyway. I want to lash out and hurt her the way she’s hurt me. I know it’s childish, but I can’t help it.

She flinches like I’ve slapped her, her hand jerking away from mine. The tears that were threatening to fall do spill over now, tracking down her cheeks in silver lines. She quickly brushes them away.

And gods help me, even knowing it’s all an act, I can’t stand to see her cry.

Before I can stop myself, I pull her into my arms, burying my face in her hair and breathing in her scent one last time. Honey and wildflowers and magic. It’s torture and comfort and goodbye, all wrapped into one moment.

She hugs me back, making this small whimpering sound that cuts me deep.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her like a fool. “I didn’t mean it like that. This is hard, that’s all. I need to go. Take care of yourself.”

I’m such a pathetic fool. Even now, even knowing what she is, I still want her. Still love her.

The realization makes me sick. She used me.

“Goodbye, McColl,” I say roughly, pulling away before I can do something stupid like beg her to come with me. Like tell her I love her despite everything. “It’s better this way.”

Then I walk away, my steps quick and determined. I don’t look back. I can’t. If I do, I might see something in her face that would make me doubt what I heard. Doubt my own mind. I know what I heard. It can’t be denied.

The villagers I pass on the street watch me go with curious eyes. Some nod respectfully, others whisper behind their hands.I ignore them all, focused only on putting one foot in front of the other and getting as far away from this place as possible.

The path up the valley is the same one McColl and I took just days ago, but it feels different now. Empty. Each step takes me further from her and closer to a future that suddenly seems bleak and colorless, like the land itself.

I have the sun on my back and a light breeze ruffling my hair. With every step I take, my mind clears a little more. I’m able to think more rationally. Able to think things through without the crushing pain clouding my judgment.

Doubts start to creep in despite my best efforts to suppress them. The woman I held in my arms, the one who saved my life more than once, who faced down her own people to protect me…could she be capable of such calculated deception? Was McColl calculating? Was she being deceitful? Selfish? Was she using me?

We technically agreed to use each other. She never lied. Never made any promises of forever. She never did anything wrong.

The McColl I know – or thought I knew – that McColl, the one I fell in love with, she wouldn’t do that. She’s too honest, too direct. When she’s angry or upset, it shows clearly on her face. She’s not cunning or manipulative or any of those things.

This feels wrong.

It feels off, somehow.

I stop walking, my heart pounding. I hurt her. I was just like her mother. Just like the bullies in school. I hurt a kind person. It’s not her fault I fell in love with her. That leaving is hard on me. I hurt her. She cried. I made her cry. I need to apologize, or it’s going to eat me up. I’m already out of the village and halfway up the mountain pass, but…I have to go back. McColl is someone I’ve come to respect.

I need to do the right thing and talk it through with her instead of running away like a coward.

I’m about to turn around when a lone figure emerges from behind a cluster of rocks ahead of me.

Lilith stands in the middle of the path, dressed in her full ceremonial robes, the deep purple fabric billowing around her in the mountain breeze. She’s smiling, but there’s something wrong with the expression. Something cold and predatory that makes my skin crawl.

What is she doing here?

I don’t like it one bit.

“Lilith…” I frown. “What—?”

Before I can finish my sentence, she raises both hands. Lightning erupts from her palms, brilliant white and crackling with deadly energy, racing toward me at speed.

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