Page 74 of A Bolt of Magic

He puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes.

22

McColl

The small travel bag is almost full, but I stuff in a pair of woolen stockings, trying to ignore the ball of anxiety that’s been growing in my stomach since dawn. We’re about to leave for the Regana Mountains. My home. The place I’ve dreamed of returning to for three long years, and yet now that the moment is here, I feel more uncertain than ever.

Will I be welcomed back?

Was I missed?

I push the thoughts from my head. It doesn’t matter. It’s happening, whether I like it or not. Soon, all of my questions will be answered.

Next, I place the oilskin jacket Kyrie gave to me on top of my bag, ready to don when we leave. Lastly, I start to pack the food I prepared yesterday, double-checking that all is in order.

“You should pack some more dried meat,” Maya says softly from the rocking chair near the window, her voice subdued as she cradles Maxwell against her breast. “You never know. It might take you longer to reach your coven than expected. Yousaid you’ll have to sleep on the mountain tonight and then travel through the pass tomorrow?”

“That’s right.”

“You can’t predict the weather, or…anything else, for that matter. Rather take extra. It doesn’t weigh much.”

I look down at the strips of venison I was just wrapping in cloth. “You’re right.” I add extra to the pile before sealing the pack, placing it with the rest of the items. “I’m so nervous.” I touch a hand to my stomach, which is still churning. I could barely eat my breakfast this morning.

“Don’t be. The flight will be quick and easy, and I’m sure the path up the mountain is one you have made plenty of times.”

I nod. “It’s not just the trip.” Riding the dragon again. “It’s just that it’s been so long since I’ve been home. I don’t know what to expect.”

Maya’s expression softens with understanding. “Three years is a long time.” She adjusts Maxwell slightly, and he makes a small, contented sound. “It’ll all be fine, you’ll see. I’m sure your family and friends have missed you. That they will welcome you back with open arms.”

I hope so. I hope it so hard it hurts.

“You’re right. I’m just being silly. I’m worried about Kian, too. He’s still insisting on meeting the coven. He keeps telling me how I will smooth the way for him, but I don’t have that kind of sway with my people. He won’t listen. I am going to do my best to talk him out of it.”

Maya laughs softly. “Good luck with that. These men are stubborn…the lot of them. When they get an idea in their heads, it’s close to impossible to talk them out of it.”

I roll my eyes. “Don’t I know it.”

Maxwell makes a soft mewling sound, and Maya shifts him to her shoulder, gently patting his back.

“There,” Maya murmurs as Maxwell lets out a tiny burp. “That’s much better, my little boy.” He starts to fuss again. “Still hungry?” She settles him back against her breast, and I watch, fascinated, as he immediately latches on again, his tiny fists curled against Maya’s skin.

“He’s so small,” I say, moving closer to get a better look at his perfect little face. “But he seems so…aware.”

Maya beams. “Orion says the same thing. Claims Maxwell already knows his own name.” She strokes his downy hair with one finger. “He’s already talking of finding a pony small enough for him.” She laughs softly.

I smile as I stare at the baby’s tiny features. At the way his dark lashes fan against his cheeks, the perfect curve of his miniature nose, the way his little mouth works steadily as he feeds. His little pointy ears are cute, too. There’s something so peaceful about watching him…watching them. Mother and child.

A strange feeling stirs in my chest, something I’ve never experienced before. Longing, maybe? The thought catches me off guard. I’ve never particularly wanted children. Growing up with my mother’s coldness, I’ve always worried I might turn out the same way. That I might end up being distant, critical, unable to give a child the love they deserve.

But looking at Maxwell now, imagining what it might be like to hold my own baby, to feel that fierce protective love Maya radiates…I think I was wrong. I think I would like to be a mother someday.

My mind, unbidden, conjures an image of a child with Kian’s golden hair and pointed ears but with my eyes, perhaps, and I have to physically shake my head to dispel the thought.

Even if we were compatible – which we’re not – bringing a child into this world with Snow’s evil spreading like poison through the realm would be cruel. No child deserves to grow up under her shadow of fear and death.

I feel disappointment for all that could have been between Kian and me.

“Would you like to hold him?” Maya asks, noticing my fascination. “I need to fetch something from the chest, and he seems quite content at the moment.”

---