Page 24 of Rancher's Strength

“How in all these years did I not know that you and Kipp had been a thing?”

“Because we weren’t a thing. It was just that one time. We made out for a while and then realized it was too weird, and it never happened again.”

“Do I have to worry about you sneaking him back into the house?” I joked.

“Yeah, couldn’t you tell from our earlier interaction there’s a fiery passion we’re dying to explore?” She pushed me, causing me to roll over onto my back as I laughed.

“Ryder, are you really okay?” She whispered her question, immediately changing the feeling in the room. And lying herebeside her, I felt more vulnerable than I had in a very long time. Old me would have lied, trying to pretend everything was fine.

“I’m okay, Lex, but I know I need to talk to someone who isn’t involved in my life. There’s been no suicidal ideations since Kipp found me, and to be honest, I don’t know if I even would have gone through with it. I just hurt so much because you hurt so much that it felt like the only thing you could do.” My words were soft, but the power behind them was enough to make her sigh and move into my arms.

“How can you even stand to look at me?” She buried her head under my chin, and all at once, the world seemed to stop and speed up all at the same time. I was too vulnerable to tell her I was still in love with her, but I was also no longer into hiding things.

“There’s no way I could keep my eyes off you,” I said, wrapping her hair around my fingers.

Ruby screamed from her room, “Mom! Mommy.”

“Shit,” we said in unison as we flung the blankets off us. Lexie ran out the door first, and I hopped down the hallway, pulling on my pants before bolting up the stairs.

“Hey Ruby, it’s okay. You were just having a nightmare,” Lexie crooned as she pulled Ruby into her arms. What an understatement. It was a nightmare Ruby couldn’t wake up from.

I took a seat on the opposite side of her, and she turned her head toward me. “Do you want to tell us about it?”

“I was dreaming about the wedding, and I thought I saw her in the trees. But when she saw me looking at her, she walked away.” Her tears dripped off her cheeks and ran down my side. “I ran after her, calling out to her, but she didn’t stop, and I’d followed her so far I was lost.” Ruby crawled over to where I saw and wrapped her arm around me, and I shifted so I could hold onto her tighter.

“I was so happy to see her, but it was like she didn’t even know who I was.” Lexie shifted on the bed and moved to sit right beside her. Lex looked up at me, her eyes filled with tears and fear. She was looking to me to make things right, and I didn’t even know what to do.

“You know, dreams are just our brain’s way of working through things we don’t want to think about while we’re awake. So today, you’ve been pretty preoccupied with being happy, and maybe somewhere in your brain, you were feeling bad about that.” I looked over at Lexie, whose face was filled with awe, and I grimaced because I couldn’t shrug. Lex smiled and nodded, and I hoped that meant I was saying the right things.

Ruby’s breathing was smoother, and her tears had stopped, yet she still clung to me. “There’s no reason to feel bad about being happy. Here’s a secret people never tell anyone.” She tipped her head up, and her puppy dog eyes stared at me. “You don’t have to be happyorsad, you can feel both emotions at the same time. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“It feels wrong to be happy and having fun,” Ruby whispered.

“Do you know your mom’s biggest wish for you?” Lexie asked as she ran her hand over Ruby’s light brown hair. The girl shook her head no. “She wanted you to have the happiest life possible. Now, we’ve hit a pretty big wall, but I know for a fact your mom and dad don’t want you to be sad forever. And like Uncle Ryder said, you can be both, but we hope your happy times start to become more frequent as you grow here with us.” My heart pounded when Lexie saidus. It had been so long since there had been an us, and now the us needed to be stronger than ever for Ruby and Sawyer.

“Do you think you can go back to sleep, or do you want to talk about this more?” I asked as I tilted my head to look at Ruby.

“I think I can sleep.” She scooted back down, put her head on her pillow, and both Lexie and I moved off her bed.

“How about Auntie Lexie and I sleep in her old room so we’re closer if you need us?” I asked, avoiding Lexie’s gaze for fear of bursting out laughing.

“That would be good,” Ruby said as her eyes drifted closed, and she took a deep breath and fell asleep. We moved quietly out of the room and pulled the door almost closed, leaving it open just enough to hear her easily if she woke up again.

Lexie’s room hadn’t been touched since she left for college, and when I flicked the light on, I stared at the trophies and ribbons on the large shelf above her bed. “That’s dangerous, you know,” I said as she climbed under the pink frilly comforter.

“Well let’s hope it only falls on your head because you do the chivalrous thing and push me out of the way.” She touched the lampshade beside her, and the light flickered on. I turned off the big overhead light before moving to the bed and climbing in.

“You know I’d save you first.” Flopping down, I wished I’d had the pillow from the other room rather than this flat one. “You really liked pink.” I tried to suppress a laugh, but as I looked at the bubble gum pink walls, the celebrity posters still handing around the room, and the fake roses in vases, it was hard to believe that my minimalistic wife once lived here.

“It was a phase, and when I grew out of it, Mom said I couldn’t change it because I’d signed a contract with Dad that I wouldn’t repaint it when I hated it. They tried to talk me out of the pink for months, but I was stubborn.” She laughed and turned onto her side to face me.

“No, not you, that’s shocking.” I missed her reaching over to slap me until the sound and sting of her hitting my chest vibrated through me. I grabbed her hand before she could pull it away and kept it pinned to my chest. Lexie didn’t attempt to move it either.

As I stared at the shelves above my head, I knew the trophies were for school sports, the buckles were from barrel racing, andthe ribbons were from academics. I knew everything about this woman, and lying beside her, I almost felt like she was a stranger again.

“The day the papers showed up, I was at the ranch alone. For a long time, I just stared at them on the table with the tabs that needed my initials or signature. It was all so black and white, technical and impersonal.” I don’t know what made me start talking, but I knew her, and she’d be worried about me until I opened up to her.

“I left before the others returned from town, but I’d left the papers sitting on the table and taken a horse. I needed to get away from the guys. The papers and home still held too many memories of you, so there was no way I was staying there.” The bed shifted beside me, and Lexie rolled onto her side and took my hand.

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