Page 67 of Forged in Deception

She drew a deep breath, struggling to keep her voice even.

If there was a God, she hoped He could forgive her for what she was about to say. Even if Axel never would.

“Until the minute the last patient flew home, I felt like I was going to pass out from nerves, but nothing else happened. I thought I was in the clear. I thought that we’d gotten away with skirting the ethical boundaries. But we didn’t.”

Her voice broke.

“Not long after the trial, Amira committed suicide,” she finished in a whisper.

Axel pulled back just enough to look down at her face. The kindness in his eyes was too much to bear. She allowed herself to sob freely, once again pressing her face into his chest until his shirt was damp.

She didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want to breathe, didn’t want to do anything. Maybe he could feel empathy toward her for the moment, but when he had the time to really think about what she was saying, he’d want nothing to do with her.

She’d be lucky if he didn’t call the police, let alone stick around to help her with this investigation.

“It’s terrible what happened,” he said, lifting a hand and stroking her hair. “But I know you would never hurt anyone on purpose. You were under a ton of pressure.”

“Why should that matter? I still made choices. I should have said no the very first time that I was asked to fudge a test result or break labor laws or any of the other zillion things they told me to do. I was pathetic. I cared more about keeping a job that I liked than about Amira Gorsky’s life. I should have been stronger.”

To her surprise, her voice had come out angry, but the only person she was mad at was herself. She’d tried to suppress the self-loathing, tried to bury it, but it always came back.

Always.

And when she forgot about what she’d done for even a day, the universe always reminded her. Maybe everything she’d been through with John was some kind of Divine punishment.

“Your desire to take accountability is admirable,” Axel said. “It’s easy to say that we should have been stronger in doing what’s right. But you can’t expect a younger you to know what she didn’t know, or have strength that she didn’t have. Other people made choices, too. People with a lot more power. Don’t get so caught up in punishing yourself that you forget that.”

She didn’t want to blame anyone else.

She didn’t want to open the door to making excuses for herself.

But on the other hand, she had to admit that he had a point.

There was no way that she could change the past. Some logical part of her brain could still realize that hating herself certainly wouldn’t bring Amira Gorsky back from the dead.

There was only one way she could move now, and that was forward.

“Look at you today,” he added. “You’re risking everything to bring Senera to justice. You’re in your crazy boss’s office, with some weird guy from across the state that you managed to hire without spending a dime. You’re smart, resourceful, and determined. You see an injustice, and nothing will stop you from making it right. I see so much strength in you. I hope you know that.”

She didn’t say anything for a long time.

Despite her cynicism, despite her fear, she could feel the weight that was crushing her getting a little bit lighter with every word that Axel said.

Because maybe, somehow, by some miracle, she was wrong about him.

Maybe he really did practice the forgiveness that she’d heard so many Christians in her life preach about. Maybe he could still wake up tomorrow and look at her the same way he had since they’d met.

She had to know. She had to hear him say it.

“Axel?”

“Mmm-hmm?” he mumbled, pressing his face into her hair and kissing the top of her head.

She took a deep breath, gathering all of her courage.

“Can you forgive me for what I did?”

“I already have,” he said, without missing a beat.

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