Page 146 of Quasim III: King Inferno

Having to do life without my child was hard enough and made me not want to live. If Blaze was taken from me, I didn’t know what I would do or say. Life would never be the same if he was taken. I understood his fear and pain when he found me with that gun to my head in my bathroom. Being forced to live without your other half was a different type of punishment.

I could feel someone’s presence behind me as I kept my eyes on the tombstone. “Been ignoring me.”

“Nah. Been trying to survive.” Ezra stood beside me, looking at his brother’s stone. His hair was unkept and he had lost some weight. I could tell he hadn’t been keeping up with himself, and the smell of alcohol was overpowering.

I turned to see Yasin leaned on his car waiting for him. He had told me that Ezra wasn’t doing good, but didn’t want to bother me. He avoided me because he felt like he was letting me down. I don’t where the fuck he got that shit from.

He could never let me down.

“When it was my turn to step in for my father, I told him I didn’t want the title if I couldn’t bring on my own Gods.” He shoved his hands into his sweats pocket. “We’re brothers… Each God, I treat like my own blood brother. Would die and ride for them without a question.”

He nodded. “I would do the same.”

“That shit doesn’t mean you have to carry this alone. I talked to Evan, and he said that you barely check in with him.”

“Shit hard… he and Ellis look the most alike. It’s like I’m staring him in the face.”

I looked at the birthdate and the shit caused my chest to hurt. He was taken way too soon and should have been here. I shouldn’t have been standing at his grave. “I can see that.”

“Feel that pain, don’t bury it in alcohol and bad decisions, Ezra. I hate when people tell me what someone deceased would have wanted because they don’t know. There’s a part of me that knows this isn’t what he wants for you. Evan already lost one brother; he doesn’t need to lose another one. Lean on your brothers… you’re a God.”

His head snapped, and he looked at me. “What?”

“I was gonna tell all three of you, but shit took a turn.”

I could see the emotions working in his face as I stood there patiently, allowing him to feel. The tears slid down his cheeks, as he stared straight ahead. “You hear that, El? Nigga was always talking about we were gonna be Gods.”

“Once a God, always a God… he up there representing for us. Put the good word in with the man upstairs.” We both chuckled.

Ezra looked over at me. “Shit hurt… I can’t do shit without feeling it. Drinking is the only thing that numbs the pain… my chest stops burning and the thoughts stop running.”

I faced him and pulled him into a hug as he cried onto my shoulder. “That shit is going to hurt and no matter how much you drink to numb the pain, you gonna feel it. I wish I could give you some bullshit about it getting easier, but that would be a lie.It never gets easier, you just become numb. Your mental starts to process that they aren’t here, and the burning feeling fades away. It never goes away completely, the smallest scent or memory triggers it.”

“How the fuck did you do it, King?” he sniffled.

“I pushed everyone away when my emotions became too heavy, my thoughts too tough. Blaze was there, even when I pushed him away. I wanted to hurt alone, shut down and became a shell of who I used to be. Life slipped by me and I allowed it because I punished myself… none of that advice is anything I want you to follow.”

He pulled himself together and stepped back. “I’m not as strong… I pushed Kaia away, told her that she didn’t know shit… fuck.”

I decided to leave the topic of Kiki’s niece and him having something going on alone for now. It wasn’t against the rules since Kaia was much like him, in wanting to be a goddess like her aunt.

“That’s a thing?” Actually, I couldn’t ignore the shit.

He chuckled and wiped his face with his shirt. “Not really… we good friends but can never get the shit right.”

“Shit typically happens that way. Can never get it right until you get it just right. Kiki knows?”

He looked back at Yasin. “Nah.”

I laughed and cupped the back of his neck. “She gonna fuck you up, Ezra.”

I watched as he laughed and pulled out a half pint of Hennessy and opened the cap, pouring the rest out on the grass. He needed this talk more than anything, but I was wise enough to know that he wouldn’t stop drinking.

It took me a while to sit the bottle down during my grief. Had I not, I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy a drink every now and again now. Ezra had to be ready to put the bottle down and deal with his emotions head on.

That shit wasn’t for the weak, and it would break even the strongest man. Grief and fear had me on my bathroom floor ready to end it all, and I considered myself strong.

Grief wasn’t a straight path; the journey was twisted, and you never felt the same way. It was a one-way path through darkness that you eventually started to adapt to.

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