Page 112 of Beautiful Broken Love

I threw my head back to laugh. “Mama!”

“What? He is!” she said with a guilty smile. She handed the phone back to me and crossed her legs in the chair. “Do you wanna know one of the things I regret most in my life so far?” she asked after a stretch of silence.

“What?”

“Not having the courage to love your daddy back. I held back from him because I knew he deserved better and figured one day he’d see that and he’d walk away. But when he passed, I was heartbroken all over again, and I started looking for that love anywhere I could find it. But what I really wanted was to pour that love back into your daddy. I took such a beautiful soul for granted. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would love him so much he couldn’t stand me.” She wore a soft smile, and I couldn’t help smiling with her, though my heart ached.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is you shouldn’t hold back based on how you feel about yourself, Davina, because at the end of the day we are our own worst critics. We’re hardest on ourselves and only see the flaws when all another person sees is the beauty.”

“Yeah,” I murmured, dropping my head.

“And don’t take this the wrong way, honey, but Lew was sick for alongtime, and deep down,you knewthe day when you lost him would come. You knew he’d have to go.” She swept me up in her gaze while I bit back tears. “The only difference between my situation and yours is that you had time to prepare for the worst. To accept it. But if this Deke fellow likes you the way you say he does and if you like him, whynotgo there? Why not try a deeper level before denying it? You have to ask yourself, what’s stopping you?”

I sniffled and wiped at my nose. “I’m scared,” I whispered as a tear crept down my cheek.

“Of what, sweetie?”

“Of him seeing therealme. Of him taking the short end of the stick because of my loss. Of having him pick up all those broken pieces and trying to mend them just to make me happy. He doesn’t need someoneso damaged. He needs someone good. Someonehealed. He’s such an amazing person, and I’ll only drag him down.”

“Oh, honey. Love always comes with the good and bad.” She walked across the porch and sat on the ottoman near me. Clasping my hands in hers, she said, “I don’t think that’s fear you’re feeling. That’s just a test of your faith. You know what you need to do. All you have to do is gain the courage to take that step again, and you’re there, baby. And whatever happens, happens. I know it was easy to think ahead when you were with Lew. You were looking for solutions and only wanted the best for your future, but in a situation like you have now, you can’t look ahead and youdefinitelyshouldn’t look back. You can only focus on what orwhois in front of you at this present moment. Does this unexpected man make you laugh? Does he make you feel like yourself? Does he comfort you relentlessly, unconditionally? Do you ever feel judged by him? Does he understand you, even at your lowest? Is he patient even when you feel like he’s sick and tired of you?”

With each question she asked, all I could think about were the last few months I’d spent with Deke.

Yes, he made me laugh.

Yes, he made me feel like myself.

Yes, he comforted me relentlessly. Unconditionally.

No, he never,everjudged me for the way I cried at the fountain around goose shit or even when I ran away from him on the rooftop. He understood me during my low points, held me at the lake house and refused to let go ... but I did. Like an idiot, I let him go.

And most of all, through every single strife, every tear, every disappointment, every dumb or rude remark from me, he remained patient. Not once did he waver.

“Oh, God.”What have I done?I cupped my mouth as hot tears gathered on my cheeks. Everything Mama said was true. I peered up at her, this woman full of wisdom and reason. “Wow. Who knew a woman who used to get lit for a living could have such great advice?” I said, and she reeled me in for a hug so I could hiccup a laugh into her chest.

“That’s what happens when you get to be my age. You live and you learn, and most of that knowledge was gained the hard way.” She pulled back to swipe a stray tear from my cheek. “If that man loves you,let him love you, Vina. Don’t deny yourself something good just because you think you don’t deserve it.”

“I won’t,” I whispered, and I never would again.

The screen door creaked open, and I looked back as Octavia and Abe walked out the door.

“Again, Mama?” Octavia garbled out around a mouthful of sandwich.

“Hey, Davina, I want Deke Bishop’s signature,” Abe said, completely disregarding my sister and pushing past her. “You said you work with him, so you can get it. He had a bad game last night, but we all have bad games and bad days. I still think he’s a good player. Can you get it?”

I smiled at my little brother, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. I knew what I had to do, and it was time to lower my guard once and for all and get my man back.

“When I make things up to him, I’ll be sure to get his signature and more just for you, Abe.”

SIXTY

DEKE

EDGE was my favorite barbershop in Atlanta. I greeted my barber Scottie with a dap and bumped fists with the other barbers.

It wasn’t until I sat down in the barber’s seat that my phone buzzed in my hoodie pocket. There was a tightening in my chest when I saw the single letterD. I’d seen it twice the day before and once the day before that. Davina had called multiple times for three days in a row, and I ignored every single one. I had nothing else to say to her.

“I need you to make sure the next game is a good one, man,” Scottie said, bringing the razor closer to my hairline. “I had a hundred dollars riding on the Ravens. I just knew my team was gonna win.”