Page 52 of Coast to Coast

She smiled and tried to do a little shimmy, landing on her ass.

“Kiwi!” Crew yelled. Worried that Callie had hurt herself, he let go of his crate only to land on top of her in a heap. Thank God Callie was laughing because that set the tone for Crew as he joined in with her.

We spent another fifteen minutes with both of them struggling on their own before I scooped Crew up.

“Wanna go fast, bud?” I asked as he giggled and looked at the older kids flying around the ice. I took off at a safe speed, trying to give him a taste of what it felt like to fly around the rink.

“Kiwi, turn,” he said, pointing back to where I’d left her. I skated him over to where Mariana was skating with Lucy and AJ.

“Hey, he wants me to help Callie skate. Can you watch him for a second?”

“Sure. Come here, buddy,” Mariana grabbed a milk crate, and I skated back to where Callie was shuffling around on the ice.

I stopped short in front of her, the ice spraying off my blades, catching her wobble before she started to fall again. I grabbed her hands and started to skate backward, pulling her along with me.

“Relax. Do you trust me?” I asked her.

She gave me an odd little look, swallowed hard, and answered, “Yes.” For some reason, I felt that her answer was about more than whether she trusted me not to let her drop on her ass.

“Are you surprised by something,” I asked.

“Yeah, but it’s not something I can put into words. Sorry,” she said, breaking eye contact and looking over to where Crew was giggling with his friends. Callie was uncharacteristically quiet for the rest of the afternoon and went straight to her room after we returned home together.

After we put Crew to bed, I caught her in the kitchen while she made herself a cup of tea.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I knew the plan was to travel back to Boston tomorrow. But I don’t want to leave.”

“Are you going to miss me?” I asked, trying to make light of the situation.

“Well, yes. But it’s not just that. It’s like I feel like I am taking Crew away from you, but then I know he also needs to be with his mother. I guess I thought it would be easier than this.”

“I’ve spent over a year feeling like my guts were going to be ripped out every time I sent Crew back to his mother. And I feel just as shitty when he cries for her when he’s with me. I can’t say I’ve gotten used to it. It fucking sucks.”

“What do you do here by yourself?” she asked.

“I’m going to get up, go to practice, come home, eat, sleep, repeat. I’ll probably spend some time with my ass planted on the couch, scrolling mindlessly through bullshit social media posts. All things that used to feel normal or ‘enough’ for me but make me feel like I’m living to pass the time. The highlight of my day will be the brief video chat I have with my son.”

Her eyes filled with tears, “I’m sorry, Tom.”

“Me too. But I can’t spend time wallowing in my self pity.”

“Is this your long-term plan?” she asked, her eyes red-rimmed.

“My long-term plan is to get my ass to the east coast, somewhere closer to Crew, for when he starts school.”

“And can you make that happen?”

“I have very little control over where I end up. That’s the nature of the game. If I am at the top of my game, I might have options to negotiate a new contract. Might.”

“Are you lonely?” she asked.

“Fuck, yes,” I admitted, running my hands through my hair.

“You can call or text me,” she whispered.

“I plan to,” I said, leaving her no question about my intentions.

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