Page 44 of Wanting the Winger

But this—letting me believe he could ever be one of those men—is messing with my head.That girl who adored him from afar will always be part of me.Maybe she’s an even bigger part of me now that I see how much Bash cares for me as a friend.

Every time he does something sweet, like stock the pantry with Dr Pepper and frosted cherry Pop-Tarts, my stomach does a little flutter.It’s like a cruel sneak peek at what life could have been like if he loved me back.

Cooking together.Long evenings laughing with friends.Quick goodbyes as I rush out the door in the morning, perennially running just on time.Add in great sex, and that’s the dream.

“I don’t know.”I shift and he moves away from the island.“But it’s okay either way, Bash.Really.I don’t need men thinking I’m sexy to know I’m worthy.There’s more to life than that.”

He looks disappointed, like his effort to boost my confidence failed.

“I promise I’m good.I’m actually excited about having my options open.I just want to have fun and research the hell out of the human microbiome.”

He smiles playfully.“Aren’t those one and the same for you?”

“Absolutely.I’m a massive gut enthusiast.”

His smile slides away.“All I’m saying is, keep an open mind.Don’t overlook what’s standing right in front of you.”

Is he...?Damn, why can’t I be as good at reading social cues as I am at reading technical research papers?I’m not brave enough to ask if he means him because the first round of total and complete humiliation was enough.

“You’ve been such a great friend to me since I got here,” I say softly.“Even when I didn’t appreciate it.”

“You’re special to me, Lane.”

My cheeks warm with embarrassment.“Was I the first one to profess my undying love?”

“The only.”His lips quirk with amusement.

“Ha.That’s not true.I’ve been on social media and seen all the women lusting after Sebastian Stone.There are hashtags about wanting to get boned by Stone.”

His smile is sheepish.“Yeah, but that’s just women who look at me and like what they see.They don’t know me.”

I use my hands to slide up and sit on the kitchen island, rolling my eyes.“It must be so hard for you, having women after you all the time.”

“It doesn’t mean anything.When you came to see me that day, to tell me how you felt about me?—”

I bury my face in my hands.“God, no.I thought we had silently agreed to never talk about this.”

“It meant a lot,” he says softly.“Because you know me.But you know there was no way I could reciprocate, right?I was twenty-one and you were seventeen.I couldn’t risk even the image of anything improper.”

Despite my flaming cheeks, I move my hands away and look at him.“I’m willing to talk about this for like forty-five seconds, and that’s it.You never need to apologize, Bash.I was a goofy teenager and I totally get it.You rejected me as nicely as you could have.”

“But you know Icouldn’t,right?”

A knot forms in my stomach.Even after all this time, it’s so uncomfortable to talk about this.I won’t let him gloss over the truth, though, no matter how much I want to talk about literally anything else.

“You didn’t want me back,” I say quietly.“It wasn’t that you wanted me back andcouldn’tdo anything.”

He exhales heavily.“That’s true.But it’s because, at twenty-one, I never would have even let myself want a seventeen-year-old.”

He’s still trying to convince me I’m not a loser no man will ever want.I don’t know why he thinks I need this pep talk.

“Okay, listen,” I say.“I know who I am.I’m not for everyone.I snort when I laugh hard and I’m a science nerd.I usually spend less than a minute a day on my hair.I love reading and watching TV way more than going out.I’m a good listener.I make a damn good sourdough.I like taking care of people.If I find a man someday who sees all of this—” I gesture in a circle at myself, “And he happens to be quirky and cute and amazing too, and we get each other, maybe I’ll be in a relationship again.I know what I deserve.It’s a lot more than what Shane was giving me.You don’t need to build me up or reassure me.I promise I’m good.”

He nods.“I know you are.”

I slide down from the island.“I’m going to bed.It’s going to be a long week in the lab, so don’t worry about me.I’m helping the professor teach a unit on the research I’m doing, so I’ll have to do lab stuff in the evenings.I’ll be home late every night, and I’ll eat before I get here.”

“I’m starting training camp, so I won’t be around much, either.”

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