Page 52 of No Business Like Snow Business

I waited to feel the low burn of humiliation. It didn’t come. What I got instead was sudden cold clarity. The ice bucket challenge for the soul. I folded my arms over my chest. If he wanted to hurt me, he stood a better chance continuing in the ‘you’re keeping your boyfriend a secret, you hypocrite’ vein. Sterling might not actually be my boyfriend, but he was more than some guy I was doing a research project with. But in calling my feelings for Sterling a farce, implying they were only a cover for my feelings forhim, Steven brought into focus the image of how pathetic he truly was. “Okay, so just to be clear, the only feeling I have for you is contempt.”

His gaze snapped to mine.

“Sterlinglikesme,” I said. “And okay, he’s not going to be in Christmas Falls for long, but so what? He likes me, and he thinks I’m interesting, and he listens when I talk. I could know him for anhour, and it would still be a better relationship than the months I was dating you.”

Steven’s jaw dropped.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Look, maybe you’re not actually a bad guy, but you’re a terrible fucking boyfriend. You cheated on youractualboyfriend with me for months. You made me a part of that, and that’s a really horrible thing to do. And the worst part is, I don’t even think youlikedme. You don’t like the books I read, or the movies I watch, or the things I like.You didn’t even like thissweater.” I plucked at it. “So why the hell were you even with me anyway? Was it just because I was there?”

Steven was wearing the expression of a man who’d discovered the milk was a week past its Best By date after he’d taken his first mouthful of cereal.

“Itwas.” I let out a disbelieving laugh. “Holy shit, I can’t believe I ever let you make me feel bad about myself.”

I couldn’t believe I’d ever twisted myself into an emotional pretzel trying to get Steven’s approval. I’d mentioned my love of Trixie Belden to Stevenonce, and he’d said, “Aren’t thosechildren’sbooks?” So I’d stopped talking about them, and started trying to talk about things like photography, and wine, and the stock market. I’d even tried drinking coffee instead of hot chocolate, and for what? For some guy who gave even less of a fuck about me than he did about the boyfriend he was cheating on.

When I’d told Sterling about Trixie Belden, he’d downloaded one of the books. He’dnevertalked to me about the stock market, except for that one time he’d said “shareholder” and I’d nearly died of boredom on the spot. But that was only to explain his family situation. He’d never tried to make me feel bad about myself, not once. And now that I understood what had kept Win in Christmas Falls all these years, I understood how much of my life I’d spend regretting it if I didn’t at least try to tell Sterling how I felt.

“So let’s just be very clear, right now.” There was something new in my voice, a note of strength I hadn’t expected. “We’re done. We never were together, and we never will be, not in any capacity. So just leave me alone.”

I half expected him to say something like, “You’ll regret this,”and then turn and stalk away with a dramatic flip of his scarf over his shoulder. But he just stared at me, expressioninscrutable at first, and then sort of deflated. He gave a short nod. “Okay.” He let out a breath. “Okay.” He took out his phone. “I’m blocking your number.” He said it matter-of-factly. It seemed unfair, like I should have been the one to blockhisnumber. But I was so relieved he was doing it, I couldn’t be petty. “We ought to try to be civil. Just, if I have to come to the museum to take pictures or whatever. But I won’t talk to you otherwise.” He looked at me again, as though expecting me to protest.

“Works for me,” I agreed.

He slid his phone into his pocket, his mouth tight. He stared at the floor to his left like he didn’t know what to do next. “I don’t know why I…” he started. Then stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Well.”

It wasn’t an apology. It never would be, with Steven.

He glanced up again. “I hope you’re happy with him.” He gave a quick, nervous sounding laugh. “I’m trying to mean that. Really.”

My heart was still pounding too hard from that little adrenaline burst for me to answer right away. My instinct was to say that Sterling and I weren’t together, as if saying it wasn’t true could push away the all-consuming hope that itwas. Steven looked away once more. “Whatever. I should just keep my mouth shut.”

Not a possibility he’d ever seemed to consider before, except when it came to keeping me a secret. But Christmas was a time for miracles.

“Goodbye,” I said firmly, pleased not to feel any guilt or shame.

“Yeah,” he muttered. And then turned and walked out.

Once the front door shut, I slumped down in the desk chair and mentally counted the seconds until Martha emerged from the break room. She lasted a full twelve.

I sighed as she set a mug of tea in front of me. “I’m guessing you heard all that.”

“The noise from Festival Hall is pretty loud,” she said unconvincingly.

“Not loud enough.”

“No,” she agreed.

“I don’t know whether I’m an asshole for sort of hating him, or a wimp for not hating him more. Or an asshole for hating him when I was the one who missed all the signs.”

“I think,” she said briskly, as she perched on the edge of the desk and stirred her tea with a tiny spoon, “that once you call Sterling, you’ll feel better. And you won’t be particularly inclined to think about Steven ever again.”

“Call Sterling?” I said, not sure whether I was more alarmed by the ‘Sterling’ part, or ‘call.’ “On the phone?”

“I don’t know why your generation treats the Call button like it’s the Big Red Button on a nuke, but yes. On the phone.”

“To say what? We just saw each other.”

She stared until even my tepid defiance deserted me.

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