Page 32 of The Playboy's Playbook

Matt leans down and places a soft kiss on my shoulder before he turns me around in his arms to face him. “Please don’t speak about yourself like that. You’re not a loser. I’m the fucking loser for even making you feel that way in the first place. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

I choke back tears because there’s no turning back now. I may as well let all of my feelings out in the open. “But that’s the thing, Matt. It’s not just me. You may not remember how you made others feel, but I remember seeing girls walk into school every Monday with tears in their eyes,sobbing, because of you. People are expendable to you and I don’t want to be just another number added to your list of conquests.”

Matt shakes his head. “You’re wrong, Laila. I remembereverything. I remember every girl cursing my name, every rumor that was unfortunately true and will follow me for the rest of my life. But I’ve changed. I’m not that kid anymore. And I promise you that you arenotjust another number to me.”

I smile and step out of his embrace, walking back to the couch. “Okay, next question. What’s up with you and your family? I noticed how you practically jumped out of your skin when I asked about them the other day.”

It’s Matt’s turn to tense up. He lets out a deep sigh and sits next to me on the couch. “Uh, my mom and I…we don’t have the best relationship right now. I did a lot of things back then that she didn’t like. I paid the price for my actions. Hannah’s reached out, but I avoid her because talking to my sister means dealing with my mom and I’m not ready for that yet. No matter how many times I think I am, I just can’t handle the looks of disappointment I know they’re going to give me.”

“Matty, they’re your family and they love you. I’m sure they miss you just as much as you miss them.”

He casts his eyes down to the carpet. “Besides Luke, I don’t have anybody. Not anymore and I’m the one to blame.”

I lean forward and comb his hair away from his face and he gives me his blue eyes, even though they’re full of sadness. “You have me.”

He leans forward and kisses me softly on the lips. I wrap my arms around his neck and slowly move to straddle him. His hands tighten on my hips as he holds me steady.

Matt’s raspy voice sends shivers down my spine. “You don’t have to do this. Let’s take this slow, okay?”

I let out a little whine and bring my lips to his ear and whisper, “I want to do this. With you.”

Matt nods his head and places several kisses down the side of my neck. I grind on top of him again slowly, needing the friction to relieve me. I let out a small moan as he grips my hips tighter and continues to pepper my neck with kisses.

He stops kissing my neck and looks at me under his long lashes, his blue eyes darkened and filled with lust. “I just need to know. Have you…are you still a…”

“Virgin?” I finish his sentence for him. “Yeah, I’m still a virgin.”

Matt takes an even deeper breath before moving from underneath me. “We’re totally not doing this then.”

My mouth hangs open in disbelief. “I’m sorry. It sounds like you’re going to settle for blue balls and leave me high and not so fucking dry over here.”

Matt paces back and forth, his chest heaving with each breath he takes. His hands shake as he runs them through his hair and mumbles to himself. I immediately stand and get in front of him, but he avoids looking me in the eyes.

“I don’t…I can’t…” he says, trying to form words. He sits down on the edge of the couch and I sit next to him, rubbing my hand up and down his back to soothe him.

“Just breathe. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“No, don’t apologize. This is all me,” he says, putting his face in his hands. As his breathing evens out, he looks over at me, his eyes calmer. “You don’t deserve to settle for me because I’m here. And as much as I want to experience this with you, I can’t.”

“So you don’t want to have sex with me because you have a good stroke game?” I ask, smiling softly.

Matt chuckles and shakes his head. “I don’t want to have sex with you because I don’t want it to be just sex.”

I know I’m not the first and won’t be the last twenty-something to still have their virginity. I know there is nothing to be ashamed of by still having my virginity. But being with Matt, I know that I’m ready to take the next step because our kiss last night set everything in motion for me. If I’m going to lose my V-card to anybody, it’s going to be with Matt.

“You’ve changed –you’ve said it yourself. And I believe you, Matty. You won’t hurt me,” I soothe, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck.

He leans into me and laces our fingers together. “I just…I want more, Laila.”

“Then have more with me.”

He shakes his head. “You don’t understand. Sex with you isn’t enough and you are worth so much more.”

“Then help me understand. Tell me what you want.”

He looks at me for a moment before he lets out a deep breath. “I want something that I’ve never had before. And to ask that of you is selfish of me.”

“Matt,” I plead. “Tell me what you want.”

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