Page 108 of All I Have Left

Afternoon? I’ve been out for twelve hours?

The nurse moves toward me, her focus on the screen in front of her. She’s typing, asking me how I feel, taking my blood pressure, checking bandages I didn’t know I had, but my only concern is Grayson. I don’t care about my injuries.

“Do you know anything about Grayson? Can I see him?”

“Oh, I’m not sure. The last I had heard he was out of surgery and in the neuro ICU.” Her voice is soft, a gentler side being revealed. Her eyes dart to Frankie, and then me. “But I’ll go check on him.”

The rush of blood in my face thickens. “Can you come right back here and tell me what you find out, like, right away?”

The nurse smiles tenderly. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. In the meantime, get some rest. Do you want to try some food?”

I shake my head immediately, the idea of eating repulsive. “No.”

She leaves me alone with Frankie, who sits on the edge of my bed, grasping my hand. “Do you need anything?”

Tears flood my eyes. “All I need is to know Grayson is going to make it.” I shake my head. “That’s all I care about.”

“I know you do. We all want that.”

“Where is everyone?”

“In the waiting room. We’re only allowed back here two at a time. Ethan was going to come back,” her expression shifts, softens, “but he’s not ready.”

I think about what I must look like. “I’m a fucking mess,” I say, trying to smooth my hair. It doesn’t work. It’s tangled and feels like there’s glue in it.

Frankie takes my hand in hers, holding it carefully. “You’re amazing. You got him help and if it wasn’t for you, he wouldn’t be alive right now.”

“I might have been too late, Frankie. His heart stopped.”

She nods. “I know, but we’re going to pray for the best.”

That’s all I can do. Pray. Because this, this isn’t in my hands. I can’t fix him.

It’s another hour before a Julia comes into the room, her purse draped over her shoulder and two coffees in hand. She hands one to Frankie, and then me. I can tell she’s been crying all night. “I wasn’t sure if you would be up and want coffee so I brought one anyway.”

The sound of anything, water, coffee, it’s all repulsive to me. “Did they give you an update on Grayson?”

Julie sits next to me, Frankie on the other side, holding my hand. “He’s in the Neurocritical Care ICU. We’re not allowed in there yet but when we are, they said one person at a time.”

“What do you mean we’re not allowed? I want to see him now.” I try to get up, ripping the blanket off me. “I won’t bother him. I just need to see his face.”

Julia rests her hands on my shoulders, trying to make me lie back down. “Sweetie, I want to see him too, but we can’t right now. We need to let him rest and let the doctors care for him.”

“Have they listed his condition yet?” Frankie asks.

“Critical. So far, they’re taking it hour by hour.”

Fear knots in my chest like my heart and stomach are twisting into one. “What are his injuries?”

“Did they say if he was leaking cerebrospinal fluid?”

Julia and Frankie exchange a look. “He was.”

My eyes dart to Frankie’s. “What does that mean? What’s that?”

She runs her hands over her face. “It means that his skull fracture tore the dura. It’s a protective layer on the outside of the brain. He had a depressed skull fracture to his temporal lobe so more than likely the fragments tore it.”

Julia and Frankie talk amongst themselves. About where they’re staying in Birmingham and the windows being replaced in the house. Things I can’t even bear to think about if Grayson doesn’t make it.

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