Page 72 of All I Have Left

He stares at me, practically panting as he leans in, his breath blowing across my face. “Don’t do this with me unless you’re ready,” he warns, pulling back to watch my facial expressions. “I’m getting in deep here and if I’m not what you want, I need to know now.”

He has every right to say that to me. If I’m not ready, I have no business leading him on. The thing is, deep down, I am ready. I can’t think of a better way to move forward with my life and forget about the pain. And I want to do that with Grayson. It’s not like I’m jumping into a relationship after one ended so brutally. I’ve known Grayson my entire life. There’s history here, familiarity, and love. This guy, the one begging me to see not only that he’s falling for me, but that I’m worth it. I deserve to be loved, not because of what I can give men, but because of what I give myself. The approval to move on. I’m ready for him, I’ve always been ready.

The expression he holds onto is something I’ve never seen before in him. He’s very much a man now, no longer the boy I grew up with. And he’s giving me an out if I want it.

His eyes, solemn, offer me a reminder of what’s at stake this time. If I act on this, if he does, this time there is no walking away. This… is forever.

He hesitates before doing so, but he pulls me closer, his mouth at my neck. “I don’t say that to freak you out. I just… I don’t want to be just friends anymore, and this feels like more.”

“I… need air.” That’s my reply. Stupid.

With a nod, Grayson leads me out to the stage. What’s usually filled with music equipment on the weekends, is extra seating on the weeknights.

Quietly, we stand side by side, shoulder to shoulder, leaning against the railing on the deck.

I have no idea what possess me to do what I do next, but in the confines of the night, out of sight of everyone else, I kiss him. I push my whole body flush against his and smash my face to his. He freezes, probably surprised by my sudden boldness. Without waiting for his response, I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him again. This time running my tongue over the seam of his lips, begging for more.

And then it happens. His body relaxes and he spins around to hold me securely against him and the railing. If I could capture the feeling it gives me to have him do this, I would as the sensation sings through my veins. It’s like coming home.

He breaks the kiss and stares at me, and before I can say anything, ask him if this is okay, his lips are on mine—desperate, hungry, frantic with his need. I nearly faint at the sensation of his lips seducing my mouth, so soft and warm. When his tongue finally meets mine, I can taste the beer on him and remember a little more from years gone by.

A Friday night baseball game, the lights, the wet grass and dusty, clay-soaked knees. Behind the dugout, my back against the fence, our bodies pressed together. I remember our first kiss at fourteen, two people fumbling with feelings they didn’t understand.

Maybe it’s the kissing, or maybe it’s my mind trying to keep up, but I can’t breathe. I work my hands between us, on his chest and push.

He stops immediately, stepping back from me.

“Sorry,” I tell him, touching my fingertips to my lips. “I… had to kiss you.” Ugh. I had to kiss you? I sound like a teenage boy.

Grayson laughs, burying his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I’m not complaining.”

“Wanna get a drink?” I ask, nodding behind him.

Without words, he takes my hand and leads me back to the bar. We stand there a few minutes, waiting for the bartender to come our way. I can feel Grayson’s eyes on me the whole time.

I’m too embarrassed to look at him, afraid of what he might say.

What if he’s having second thoughts?

What if he thinks he’s some kind of rebound?

Every time we’ve been together like this, there has always been someone else. The thing is, there hasneverbeen anyone but him.

“Relax, Evie. It’s me.” Grayson smiles, his arm around myshoulder. “Nothing we do comes with expectations. We take this at your speed.”

I lean into him. “Thank you.” I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that. For a girl who’s become used to love with conditions, these words are everything.

The rest of the night passes in an alcohol-induced blur and I don’t think I stop smiling once. I swear we dance to every song and I have no complaints. I can’t get close enough to him.

35

EVIE

With the windows rolled down in Grayson’s truck, the humid night air swirls through the cab.

It’s around midnight when we leave the bar. It isn’t long before Grayson pulls off the highway about a half mile onto a dirt road between some overgrown trees. My stomach drops a little, uncertain. The last time… well, I don’t want to think about the last time a guy did this.

Pulling forward about another hundred feet down the road, Grayson turns the truck off, his hands and head resting on the steering wheel. “Are you okay?” I ask, sensing something wrong.

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