Page 87 of All I Have Left

We make our way down by the lake about the time they are lighting off fireworks. Grayson’s hesitation with me the rest of the evening is evident and he disappears during the fireworks. As the fiery sparks burst through the night, inks of light scattered over the canvas of the stars, I watch them with Kelly and Josh. Constantly searching for Grayson behind us, I wonder if he’s okay, if he’s in the bathroom doing you know what, or what the hell is going on. I know he probably feels like we crossed a line we shouldn’t have, but what he’s failing to realize is I was as much a willing participant until the overwhelming memories took over. A night when my control was ripped from me. The thing is, when I told Grayson to stop, he did.

“Where’s Grayson?” Kelly asks as the fireworks near an end.

I glance around the yard. “I haven’t seen him in a while.”

It isn’t until they end that I finally spot him, stumbling through the yard with a six-pack in hand. “Found him.” I laugh when he slumps against my back, his head on my shoulder.

“Thirsty?” he asks, holding the six-pack up and then falling backward onto the grass. Flat on his back, he holds the beer, his cheeks red, eyes half-closed.

I slide down next to him, taking the beer he offers. “Where’d you go?”

“Bathroom,” he mumbles, staring at the sky.

Smoke fills the air between us. I lie next to him on the grass, my head on his chest. His heartbeat, wild and uncontained, tells me otherwise. He’s not fine. I don’t dare ask why.

Rolling onto me, he buries his face in the crook of my neck. “I’m fucked up,” he mumbles.

When he pulls back, I know he’s not fucked up from the beer. I touch the side of his face, his scruffy jaw prickly against my heated skin. “I know.”

Our eyes hold in the darkness. There’s commotion all around us, but we’re locked in the haunting reality that we can’t change our past. His hand grips my hip tighter. “I wasn’t in the bathroom.”

I smile. “I know. Was it the fireworks?”

Blinking slower than before, he doesn’t answer me and lays his forehead against mine. “I just want it to fucking stop.”

“The noise?” I’ve heard of this before. People coming back from war and unable to tolerate loud noises, crowds. All the warning signs are there, he just won’t admit it. And right then, in the grass with him shaking beside me, I now know how hard it must have been on everyone else in my life when I refused to admit what was going on with me.

“All of it. I want it to fucking stop,” he begs, pressing his mouth to mine. For the first time, I realize how badly it hurts to want to take away someone’s memories and replace them with good ones, and being unable to do that for them.

41

EVIE

The next morning, I wake up on the lawn being sprayed with a hose by Josh.

“Holy shit!” I shriek, jumping up.

Grayson must have woken up first because he looks fucking pissed at Josh and is trying to get the hose from him.

Nearly naked and confused, I run up to the house while Grayson and Josh continue to wrestle around on the lawn, fighting over the hose. Josh still has the hose in his hand drenching the two of them.

Before I can make my way to the bathroom, in run into Kelly, who is standing on the deck, coffee in hand.

“So…” She smiles. “Did you have a nice evening?”

“Yes?” I ask softly, knowing damn well my cheeks are fiery red. It’s not lost on me that I shouldn’t be asking her if I had a good time. I stop and stare at her, her expression unreadable.

She takes a sip of her coffee in her hand. “By the way, if you’re looking for your dress—” My gaze darts to my nearly naked body. I’m standing in front of her in my bikini that was underneath my dress all night. “—it’s by the lake, so you might want to borrow one of mine.” She gestures over her shoulder to a bagon the floor.

“Shit. Thanks. I can’t even remember exactly what happened.” I don’t even remember taking my dress off. I also don’t remember drinking that much beer last night, but judging by the empty beer cans all over the lawn, I’d say that wasn’t exactly the case.

“You didn’t lose it.” Kelly snorts, the sound so similar to Grayson. “Josh threw it in the lake this morning to embarrass you.” Her smile turns sympathetic, knowing her boyfriend too well. And then she quirks an eyebrow at me. “You don’t remember what you guys did?”

“Sorta. Did you see us?” I cover my face in embarrassment. “How embarrassing.”

I knew we got carried away a few times that day and night, and alcohol wasn’t going to help us out any, but with Grayson and the fireworks, I had to do something.

“Oh, we saw all right, but it was also dark so….”

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