Page 119 of Confessions of a Smutty Romance Author

“Coming!” came Tracey’s muffled voice. Seconds later, she opened the door, greeting me with a smile. I took in her tight dress and high heels. “You look great,” I said.

“Thanks, you too,” she replied. She flicked a blonde curl over her shoulder and said, “Ready to go?”

I nodded, walking beside her to my car, opening the passenger door for her. She didn't argue, just smiled at me and said a demure, “Thank you.”

It was such a strong contrast to Mara, who had argued with me, saying that she didn't need me to do that for her. Obviously, I’d known she didn't need me to do it. I wanted to.

I walked around to my side of the car, got in and pushed the start button. The radio began playing the country station I had on earlier, and I asked, “What do you like to listen to?”

“This is fine,” she said.

“Great.” It was easy, sitting here with her. No arguing. No worrying. Justbeing.

I drove to La Belle, where a valet took my car. We walked inside, taking our seats, and it wasnormal. The waiter who was not Tracey’s ex; he only asked what we'd like to eat. Tracey ordered a perfectly respectable meal, not getting dessert first. I did the same. We ate our food, talking pleasantly about our families or friends, our careers. It waseasy. There was no tension. No worry. No feeling like all of it was about to slip through my fingertips at any moment.

And then when the date was over and I walked her to her door, she fumbled with her keys just long enough to let me know she wanted me to give her a kiss goodnight. And she smiled up at me, giving me the perfect opening. Her red lipstick still flawlessly in place, she said, “I had a great night, Jonas. I can't believe it took me this long to take you up on a date.”

“Me too. Thanks for coming out with me.” I smiled, bending down and pressing a quick kiss on her lips because I knew it was what she wanted. And it feltfine. No sparks, but no drama either. No crossed wires or miscommunication.

“Goodnight,” I said.

“Call me,” she replied.

“I will,” I promised, and as I walked toward the car, I realized maybe that's how my life was supposed to be. It wasn't supposed to be full of fireworks or feeling like I was walking on the tightrope or worrying about turning the water too hot. It was supposed to feelcomfortable. It was supposed to feelfine. And I just hoped someday I could find a way to believe that.

58

Mara

Confession: I missed Jonas so much it hurt.

My phone wentoff with a calendar reminder.

Tess’s rehearsal dinner.

I stumbled into my living room chair, trying to catch my bearings. How was it already the night of her rehearsal dinner?

The last few weeks were a complete blur. I've never worked so hard or so collaboratively on something. Along with three other writers, I spent twelve-hour days in the writing room, throwing out ideas that would get shot down, but also having suggestions that were heard and respected.

When my book had been adapted to a movie, I’d been able to weigh in on the script for consistency, but they didn’t have to listen to me. Here, my feedback actively changed the story we were all shaping. I loved the energized way I felt working with other people instead of by myself, even if I did feel completely worn down at the end of the day.

In fact, my book writing took a complete backseat to the show. At night, I’d write a few hundred words in Reid and Liza’s love story. It wasn't perfect, but it was progress.

Over time, I made friends with the people in the writers’ room and even some of the people on the crew. We went out together on weekends, and when I wasn’t working or spending time with my new friends, I video called my old ones. I couldn’t wait for work to slow down so I could invite them here and show them the new life I was building day by day, minute by minute.

I was busy. I was lonely, but I was free. For the most part.

Thoughts of Jonas stuck in the back of my mind. I missed talking to him, missed falling asleep beside him, missed spending slow mornings with Mariah in the sunroom and eating Cade’s homemade breakfasts on the weekends.

And now I would be missing Tess’s wedding too.

It was tomorrow, and I’d have to celebrate from afar. I’d already picked up her card and written a check to send in the mail, but my heart ached that I wouldn’t see her walking down the aisle.

I wondered if she was showing now. If they’d had to pick out a new dress to accommodate her growing bump. Even though I didn’t want children of my own, I had looked forward to spoiling her baby with Jonas. Being an auntie would be so much fun.

I shook my head as if I could shake away the thought. I needed to accept that this wasmylife; I had made my choices. There was no going back, no matter how much I may have wanted to.

No matter how much I missed them.

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