Page 121 of Confessions of a Smutty Romance Author

It burst into shards.

Everyone watched with amusement (or annoyance in Derek’s family’s case) as a waiter cleaned up the pieces.

“Sorry,” she said, when the commotion was finally over. “I’m not the most graceful person.” A polite chuckle came from our side of the table. We knew Tess the Mess all too well.

She looked around the table and said, “I know it's uncommon for the bride to give a speech, but I'd like to make a toast to Derek.”

Derek smiled up at her, all the love in the world in his eyes. I imagined that's how I used to look at Mara. How she looked at me.

“Back when I first met Derek, love was the last thing to cross my mind. More like, ‘Oh shit,’ which was probably what he was thinking too.”

Everyone around the table chuckled, even his family, if uneasily.

“But,” Tess continued, “the more I got to know him, the more I understood what love was. I used to think it was all fireworks and kisses in the rain. But now I know that there's so much more to it. It's looking at your partner and seeing the best version of yourself reflected back. It's knowing that they're going to challenge you to be better for the rest of your life. It's knowing that no matter what compromises you have to make, you'll still love them just as much. And it's knowing that in a thousand lifetimes, you could meet them over and over again and still choose them every single time.”

She smiled, lifting her glass. “So here's to Derek, the love of my life and a thousand others.”

Everyone around the table lifted their glasses, some wiping their eyes, and we all toasted to them. Their love story was beautiful, no matter how it started. And as I looked to Tracey next to me, saw the pride in her eyes for her friends, I realized I didn’t feel that way about her. I didn’t feel the fireworks or even that I’d choose her over and over again.

Maybe Mara had been right all along. Maybe the people who got those feelings and had them forever were just the lottery winners. They weren't like everyone else.

It was a fucking miserable thought. Because I’d felt that for Mara, and now she was gone. I’d both won and lost the cosmic lottery in less than a year.

I downed the rest of my drink and ate the rest of my meal and tried not to think about all that I had lost. Feeling down, I decided to duck out early, thinking no one would miss me on the way to my car.

Halfway through the parking lot, Tess yelled after me. “Jonas!”

I turned, waiting for her to reach me. “What are you doing? You’re supposed to be in your party!”

“No, what the hell are you doing?” she demanded.

Frowning, I glanced toward my car. “I'm going home. It's going to be a long day tomorrow, and I want to be ready to help.”

“That’s not what I meant,” she said, a crease between her eyebrows just like the one Dad had when he was upset. “What the hell are you doing with Tracey?”

My spine stiffened. “Shit, I forgot to tell her I was leaving.”

She shook her head, disappointment clear in all of her features. “You don't love her.”

“We've been dating for a month,” I replied.

“You and Mara had been fake dating for a day when I knew she was the one for you.”

I let out a heavy sigh. “Remember what you said in your toast? Both people have to choose each other, and she didn’t choose me.”

“Mara didn’t say that she didn't choose you. She said she wanted to choose herself. You can choose both when you're in love.”

I shook my head, growing frustrated. “Tess, you got lucky. Don’t you understand that? There are not many guys who could walk out of a store with a chair leg up their ass and propose to the girl a year later.”

She glared at me. “You’re just scared! She's scared. You both need to get over it.”

“No,” I said.

“No?”

“No! I’m dating Tracey. It'scomfortableandeasyand I don't have to wonder where she's going to be the next day or what I'm going to do that'll set her off. Love shouldn't be scary.”

“It's always scary, Jonas!” Tess cried. “You can't put your heart in someone else's hands without being scared.”

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