Page 123 of Confessions of a Smutty Romance Author

I studied Tracey, wondering where the question was coming from, but I had to be honest. “Seven months ago, you were exactly the kind of woman I wanted to be with. You’re kind and beautiful and driven... I never saw her coming, but she turned my world upside down in the best possible way. It wasn’t fireworks—it was a feeling. And it hasn’t gone away.”

Tracey nodded. “I can’t say I understand, but I hope I do someday.”

I hung my head, feeling like the biggest piece of shit for causing her pain. For stringing her along when I always knew that Mara was the one for me. “I'm really sorry.”

She shook her head. “I should have said yes sooner.” She gave me a tearful smile. “There was a window, and I missed it.”

I didn't tell her that I was glad she had. Instead, I said, “Let me take you home.”

She agreed, and I drove the rest of the way to her house. But this time, I didn't get out of the car. I just unlocked the door and said goodbye, knowing that the next time we saw each other, it would only be as friends. And hopefully, it would be with Mara at my side.

As soon as she got inside her door, I started driving toward LA. I needed to find a plane; I needed to be with Mara.

I needed to know that I would choose her in a thousand lifetimes. I just hoped in this lifetime, she would choose me too.

61

Mara

I couldn’t sleep the night before Tess’s wedding, knowing that I was going to miss it. So I stayed up writing on my novel instead. I was getting so close to the end, to the part where the characters got out of their own way and accepted the love they deserved.

How the hell didn’t I see it before?

That’s exactly what I was doing with Jonas. I was choosing my fear and my wound over him. He had tried to apologize, to change his ways and be more supportive, but I’d ran away for one transgression.

I rocked back from the computer, putting my head in my hands. I’d made the biggest mistake of my life, lost the best thing that ever happened to me. Because I got fucking scared.

And now it was too late. There were already pictures online of him and Tracey sitting next to each other at the engagement party and looking like a couple straight out ofGQ. No way would I storm back in and fuck that up for him.

I had missed my chance to have my once-in-a-lifetime love, and my realization that it didn't have to be one or the other had come too late. It doesn't have to be loveorcareer. Loveandpain. But my own pull-your-head-out-of-your-ass moment had come too late, and I couldn’t edit the story to fix my mistakes.

Tess and Derek would get married without me in the room. Mariah and Jonas would watch, holding each other as Cade walked his daughter down the aisle. Tracey would stand next to Tess as a bridesmaid, and as Tess and Derek spoke their vows, their truth, I would be here. I would be staying out of the way of Jonas’s happiness.

I couldn't give him everything he said he wanted, but I could give him space to create a family, a future, with Tracey.

So maybe itwasbetter this way.

Maybe my happily ever after was knowing that Jonas could have his.

I put my fingers to the keyboard again, tears streaming down my cheeks as I wrote the final words in Liza and Reid’s story. It was so much more powerful now that I knew love wasn't just something I wrote about in books. It was somethingreal. I'd felt it with Jonas, and maybe someday, I'd feel it again.

A knock sounded on my door, and I jumped because I'd been so in the flow. I wiped at my cheeks as I got up to see who it was. I’d probably ordered something on Amazon and forgotten about it like usual.

But when I opened the door, it wasn't a delivery person or a package. It wasJonas.

I stared at him in his charcoal suit and plum-colored shirt that I'd seen in photos from the rehearsal dinner. Was I that tired, that delusional, that I’d hallucinated him here?

“What are you doing here?” I asked, despite the very real possibility that I’d imagined it all.

“Mara, my sister's getting married today,” he said, reached for my hands. His touch was a balm to my soul, healing to my fractured heart. “I can't watch her and Derek tie their lives together without the woman I love by my side.Youare my family. And I want you there with me. While my sister gets married. When I get this promotion. When we watch this TV series come out. I want you there with me when I become an uncle, and fuck, I want you there with me when I retire. And I want you there with me when I'm blushing about everything that you write in romance novels. I want you there with me in person, on the phone, however you’d have me, every day for the rest of my life.”

I covered my mouth with my hand, a fresh stream of tears falling down my cheeks. “Jonas...”

“I need to get this out, Mara.” He didn’t even take time to come into my place, laying his heart bare, right there in the hall. “I was afraid when you said you were leaving for Atlanta. I was afraid it meant that you were leaving me, but I realize now that you weren't leaving me. You were chasing a dream, and I want to support every dream you have, no matter how big or small. I promise if you choose me, if you are with me, that you'll get nothing but my love and support, no matter how hard it is. And every time you run away, I promise I will chase you. I’ll never stop chasing you for the rest of my life.Pleasejust say yes.” His voice broke. “Just say yes.”

I leaned against the door frame, pretty sure it was the only thing keeping me upright. “These last few weeks without you have been the most amazing of my life. And the most horrible at the same time. I've missed you like I've never missed any other person. I've cried for you like I've never cried for another man. And I've hoped for you to have your happily ever after, even if it wasn’t with me. I never believed a love like that was true until I met you. And I don’t want to take your heart, the kind of future you want, away from you because I’m too selfish to let you be with Tracey.”

Jonas shook his head, cupping my cheek in his hand. “I thought if you and I weren't meant to be, then maybe Tracey and I were, but it was over before it even began. I was sitting back in my life. I wasn't taking control of my life like you do.” He smiled. “You’ve taught me so much just by asking for what you want. You’ve made me see that I need to ask for what I want too.”

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