Page 5 of Confessions of a Smutty Romance Author

Birdie groaned. “Turn it off.”

Charlotte obliged but added, “There’s more where that came from. There are memes and hashtags and videos...”

“But you said we could turn it around,” I said, a desperate energy quickly working its way through my nervous system. Wehadto turn it around. If this deal went down so negatively, no other studio would want to touch me.

Jenny looked solemnly at Ralphie. “We’d have to prove that you were somehow in a serious relationship, and no one would buy that.”

“Unless...” Charlotte tapped her chin. “We could say you were playing it cool on TV so he wouldn’t think you were being too clingy. You would have to make a public appearance with him... whoeverheis. And it couldn’t be some rando either. It would have to be someone that your community could believe you’ve been dating in secret. And with your history as a—”

I gave her a warning look.

“—a woman of the world, we’re going to be very hard pressed to make a relationship look like anything other than a publicity stunt.”

We were all quiet for a moment until Birdie said, “What about Hayden? Would he be up to something more... permanent?”

“More permanent than his semen living inside me for the next five to seven days? Not a chance.” I leaned over my lap, rubbing my temples. Why had I opened my big fat mouth? Couldn’t I have just stuck to the robotic talking points and moved along with my life?

Mia was not my friend, and I should have known that. The way I grew up, that was one of the biggest lessons I’d learned: People were always out for number one. And my “gotcha” interview with Mia had to be sending her ratings through the roof.

From the archway between the living room and the dining room, Cohen asked, “What about Jonas?”

We all swiveled our heads toward him, seeking an explanation.

“What about Jonas?” Birdie asked.

Cohen shrugged, folding his arms across his chest. “I mean, Mara’s around him quite a bit since we’re all in the same friend group. It wouldn’t be that far of a reach to think that you two could be together.”

“ButJonas?” I asked.

Seeming defensive, Cohen said, “What’s wrong with Jonas? He’s a nice guy.”

I glanced at Birdie, then Hen. “He’s an accountant.”

Cohen laughed. “And?”

“Who would buy that we were together? He’s completely the opposite of my type! I bet he wears white socks with khakis. I bet he likes missionary position, and his favorite part of sex is cuddling. I bet, I bet he sleeps with a mouth guard in because he grinds his teeth. I bet he dreams about balance sheets. I bet he wakes up excited to go to the office and eats egg white omelets on wheat toast every day for breakfast—”

“We get it,” Cohen said. “You think accountants are boring, but I don’t see any other options here.”

Charlotte nodded. “Plus, it gives you a good reason for keeping it secret.”

Henrietta set down her cup of cider and said, “They make a good point. It would be super easy to fake a relationship with him, just until the movie premieres and the sequel gets rolling so you wouldn’t burn any bridges in Hollywood. Have they scheduled the premiere?”

“Six months from today,” Charlotte answered, giving me a look. “Half a year’s a long time to fake a relationship with anaccountant.”

Birdie nodded. “And you wouldn’t be able to see other guys during that time...”

Six months without sex. That thought hadn’t even struck me yet, but now that it was there... “I’d do it, if I had to,” I decided out loud. “I need to save my career.”

The wheels were clearly spinning in Jenny’s head. “I could call the studio owner. He’s a bit of a hothead, but if he’s had some time to cool down, maybe I could convince him this was just a little blip and we’ll do more practicing before the next interview, if there is one.”

Birdie put her hand on my leg. “What do you think? It could be a good way to turn this around.”

Hen said, “What’s six months out of a lifetime of success?”

A littlejois de vivreback in her features, Jenny said, “I’ll set a meeting with the studio owner in person. Bring him a box full of those chocolate-covered cherries he likes for god knows what reason.”

“Wait!” I said, making everyone turn and stare at me.

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