Page 67 of Confessions of a Smutty Romance Author

“But this is the first time that I've actually felt butterflies.” I covered my face because I felt so lame even as I said it. I wasn’t supposed to be that girl who got swept away by emotions and frivolous things likebutterflies. But Birdie was practically doing a happy dance in her chair.

Hen held up her cupcake. “This is celebratory sugar!”

I shook my head. “This isbad.”

Birdie and Henrietta exchanged a glance. Birdie asked, “How could this possibly be bad? Jonas is nice, and you deserve to be treated nicely. I never liked how Hayden just called you over when he wanted your body and that was it.”

“I didn't mind Hayden calling me over,” I said. “What I mind is the fact that my heart's involved with someone who only wants me around to help his mom with dialysis.”

Henrietta gave me a look this time. “Do you really think that's the only reason he wants you around?”

My cheeks warmed. “Well, judging by what we did last night...”

Both the girls cheered in delight. I could only imagine what Marjorie would think of the conversation being had in this office.

I shook my head, still in disbelief. “It was crazy! We were out at La Belle to eat, and I thought it was just because he wanted to grab something after work or maybe talk about, like, cleaning his house in exchange for me staying or when he wanted me to leave or something. And thenHayden was our waiter.”

“What?” Birdie cried.

“I know!” I said. “He was totally inappropriate, and you know Jonas did?He brought me back to the bathroom and said he didn't want Hayden to be the last person who touched me.”

Henrietta fanned herself. “Who knew he had that in him.”

“I didn’t,” I said, “but I did not mind one bit.”

Birdie furrowed her eyebrows. “I still don't understand what's wrong.”

“What's wrong,” I said, “is that I'm becoming one ofthosegirls.”

“One of what girls?” Henrietta asked.

“One of those girls who meets a guy and completely loses herself. I've spent my entire life—thirtyyears—believing that love wasn't real, watching dysfunctional relationships, thinking that marriages only lasted because two people settled or won some cosmic lottery, and now I’m here thinking about a guy,talkingabout a guy, wondering if he'll break my heart, wondering if it's for real.” I shook my head at myself. “I’ve never been this girl.”

Henrietta said, “People change, Mara. We’re not all the same from the day we’re born to the day we die.”

“No,” I agreed, “but I’ve been the same on this for a long time. One guy’s going to change that?”

They were both quiet for a moment, then Birdie reached across the table, putting her hand on top of mine. “You love me, right?”

I nodded.

“You’re going to be my friend forever, no matter how many stupid things I do?”

“Of course.” There wasn’t a doubt in my mind.

“So you do believe that lasting love and partnerships exist,” she said. “Maybe... Maybe you were just protecting yourself from falling in love with a man like your father, and Jonas is showing you that you don't have to work so hard to keep yourself safe.”

I thought about her words for a minute. My therapist always said, “Every behavior meets a need.” And maybe my behavior, my beliefs, weren’t about a need for fun but a need for caution. And here Jonas was tearing down all my walls, not with sledgehammers, but with pancakes and kind words.

“What if it's not real for him?” I asked, my chest feeling tight. Just the thought of believing something else, risking my heart for him... it was fucking terrifying.

Henrietta smiled gently. “Then at least you know,” she said. “At least you know that your heart is brave enough to ask for what you really want.”

Birdie nodded. “And after everything you’ve been through, Iknowyou’ll be strong enough to recover from this, too.”

I looked down at my sandwich and my barely touched cupcake. What I really wanted was to enjoy my time with Jonas without all this extra pressure of the movie deal or dialysis or even a relationship. I liked spending time with him. So maybe I should start there.

27

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