Page 77 of Confessions of a Smutty Romance Author

She hung up without saying goodbye, and I stared at the phone in my hand.

“What happened?” Steve asked.

Looking between him and Cohen, I said, “The water got too hot.”

32

Mara

Confession: I’m an asshole.

I threwmy bags into the trunk of my car, avoiding Birdie’s and Henrietta’s eyes the entire time. They’d come over and helped me clean Jonas’s house from top to bottom, washing the sheets I’d slept on, scrubbing the bathroom floor where we’d had shower sex, taking away every trace of me from his home, where I never should have been.

I had the money. I could have booked a hotel for a couple weeks. I could have rented an Airbnb for the month. But I’d stayed with Jonas, because the truth was, I’d wanted to. I liked being around him. I liked that he’d bought a couch just to make me comfortable. I liked that I could count on him for sweet notes in the morning and a kiss at night.

My friends were already bringing the rest of my things outside, but I left an envelope of cash on the couch to pay him back for the new furniture. I knew money was tight with Tess’s wedding and his mom’s health issues. It had been selfish to let him buy it, to pretend I could be a relationship girl.

I felt like a piece of shit. Shittier than a piece of shit. I felt like seven pieces of shit, the whole shitty floor of a petting zoo.

But I couldn’t keep doing this.

I had been telling Jonas the truth when I said I wasn’t that kind of girl, and today just made me remember why. Within moments of meeting Tracey and hearing that Jonas had asked her out, I knew.

It only took seconds for me to start second-guessing myself, picking apart all the “flaws” that I’d worked so hard to love. And not only that, I’d tried to find flaws in her that would make me more worthy. I’d compared myself to another woman, which was the antithesis to everything I tried to do with my writing.

I wanted women to lift each other up. Fix each other’s crowns. And most importantly, see themselves for the badass babes they were.

And really, who was I to stick around Jonas’s home when I was only playing house? There was a reason I’d made it to thirty without so much as a live-in boyfriend or a broken heart. My father had broken my heart long ago, and there was no fixing it. There was no seeing love another way. Because what had the power to build entire cities, also had the power to destroy nations. And I wasn’t giving anyone that kind of power over me. No matter how much it would help my job. No matter how nice he was.

My friends stood by my driver’s side door, waiting for me. As I walked closer, Birdie said, “Are you okay?”

I blinked quickly, trying to hold back tears. “Let’s just get to the hotel.”

Birdie frowned. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay with Cohen and me?”

Henrietta said, “You could stay on the couch at our place too if you don’t want to be alone.”

I shook my head. “I’ve been imposing on people for too long. It’ll be just fine for one night.”

They both looked like they wanted to argue with me, but I opened my car door and said, “Thanks for helping me make sure Jonas’s house was clean.”

Henrietta gave me a hug, a long, hard one that made me want to fall apart in her arms. “You’re going to get through this, honey,” she said.

I took a shuddering breath before stepping back. “I know I will,” I said with tears in my eyes. “I have you two.”

They smiled at me, and Birdie brushed my arm with her fingertips. “Call us if you need anything, even someone to clear out the minibar with you.”

For the first time that afternoon, I cracked a smile. “I have your numbers.”

They walked toward their vehicles, and I got in mine. The automatic headlights came to life with the engine. They panned over Jonas’s house, showing the stucco siding, the big windows. From here, I could even see a sliver of the couch in the living room, and I choked back a sob.

Lying on that couch with Jonas, that was closest I’d ever come to believing in happily ever after. But the heartbreak of losing it all? I wasn’t strong enough to handle it after everything I’d been through.

I gave the house a final look before backing out of the driveway and starting down the road.

I missed who I was before I knew how amazing Jonas was. I missed being the girl guys were calling to meet their needs. I missed crawling on my hands and knees on Hayden’s floor, waiting for him to lick whipped cream off my naked body. Not because I loved him, but because Ididn’t.

I missed when my heart didn’t hurt this fucking much and fear didn’t constrict my lungs, making it painful to breathe.

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