Page 78 of Confessions of a Smutty Romance Author

The last person who’d touched me was Jonas. He’d looked me in the eyes as he made love to me and whispered my name.

He couldn’t be the last one to touch me. I wanted his memory erased, wanted to forget the way he made me feel. Wanted to forget the heartbreak that would come if our relationship ever become something real.

So I did what I did best.

I got out my phone and dialed Hayden’s number.

Within fifteen minutes, he was at my hotel room. His lips were on mine. His hands covered my body. And we had sex from behind.

When we were done, I went to the bathroom, turned on the shower, and cried.

33

Jonas

I wanted to find out the hotel where Mara was staying, go there and beg her to be with me, but Cohen convinced me to wait. He said Birdie would be home soon and we could ask her for advice. After all, Birdie was Mara’s best friend, one of the rare few Mara let behind her carefully crafted defenses.

I sat at the table, putting cards into the pile, betting money, but my mind was elsewhere, with Mara. I wondered what hotel she was staying at. If she would stay there alone. If she was done with me forever or just for the night. What I could do to earn another chance, to show her I wasn’t the kind to break her heart.

Birdie’s headlights illuminated the garage as she pulled into the driveway, and my back stiffened, my mouth went dry. I needed to know what had happened. What I’d done.

I rose from my chair, and Steve and Cohen did too. Cohen put a hand on my shoulder as Birdie approached us, an apologetic look in her deep blue eyes.

“What happened?” I managed.

Birdie shook her head, her curly ponytail swinging side to side. “She’s afraid.”

My heart ached for Mara, for us, for the things she was throwing away. “What can I do?”

“Did I ever tell you how Mara and I met?” Birdie asked.

I exchanged a glance with the guys. “You were roommates, right?”

She nodded. “There was an ad on Craigslist, and the price was right. The apartment barely fit both of us, but I instantly liked Mara. She was so fun and brave and always getting me out of my comfort zone. But when we got too close, when things got too real, she’d run. She’d spend a few days with a guy, take extra shifts at the restaurant, and we wouldn’t talk for days or even weeks at a time.”

My eyebrows drew together. That didn’t seem like their friendship at all. Anywhere I saw Birdie, Mara was almost always there too. “What changed?” I was desperate for advice. Anything that would help get me to a point where Mara would trust me too.

“Time,” Birdie said simply. “After a while, she realized I wasn’t going to leave, wasn’t going to hurt her, and things weren’t so hard anymore.” She looked down at the gray epoxied garage floor with the white and black speckles. “But you don’t have to give that to her, Jonas, if it’s not right for you. It’s hard to stay with someone who’s always running. Especially if she decides not to be lonely tonight.”

My throat was tight. Sad for myself. Sad for the woman who thought it wasn’t safe to stand still. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Birdie smiled at me softly. “I hoped you’d say that.” She patted my shoulder and walked inside.

I didn’t feel much like playing poker after that. The guys and I finished our beers, and I drove to the last place I wanted to go: my empty home.

I walked inside, half hoping she would be there, waiting for me.

I could feel her absence before I saw it, but walking through my house, it was clear. She was gone.

She and her friends had cleaned the house so thoroughly, there wasn’t a trace of Mara left behind. Not a hairpin by the sink, not a single brown hair in the shower drain, not even the smell of her on my sheets.

I still couldn’t understand what had happened, what had gone wrong between this morning and now. I knew Birdie said Mara was just scared, but why? The sudden shift didn’t make sense. Just the night before, we were laughing, smiling, loving. I’d never experienced lovemaking with anyone that intense. That perfect.

My mom was the only other person who had seen her since this morning, so I called her, hoping for some explanation that would make sense, something that would give me a chance at fixing this.

She answered within a few rings and said, “Hey, honey, how are you?”

“Good, I was just wondering how your day with Mara went? She said you guys got Flanagans?”

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