Page 79 of Confessions of a Smutty Romance Author

“Sure did,” Mom said with a smile. I heard a dish in the sink, and I figured she was handwashing dishes like she did every night before reading and going to bed. “We had some lunch with your dad and then went to Tess’s wedding dress fitting.”

“Fitting?” I asked. “Didn’t Tess buy it already?”

Mom chuckled like I was missing something obvious. “She bought it, but they had to make sure it fit right before she brings it home.”

“I didn’t know that was a thing,” I admitted. “And you brought Mara along?”

“It’s a big deal. All the bridesmaids typically go along. Mara got to meet Tracey and Derek’s sister. She fit right in, chatted up a storm with Trace.”

My jaw went slack. She’d talked to Tracey. What had come up in their conversation? Did Tracey tell Mara that I’d asked her out before beginning our fake relationship?

She had to have told her. I wonder what it must have felt like for Mara to know that right before I met her, I was pining for my sister’s best friend. God, she probably felt like I was a loser. Or like I didn’t really want her. No wonder she’d run away.

“Jonas?” Mom said.

I cleared my throat. “Yeah?”

“I really like Mara. She fits in with us so well, don’t you think?”

My smile lasted only a second before faltering. “She does.” I didn’t want to break Mom’s heart, but I had to be honest. “Mom, I don’t know how long it’s going to last. Mara... she’s skittish when it comes to relationships.”

Mom was quiet for a moment. “You’ve told her it’s not fake anymore, right? That your feelings are real?”

“Not out loud. But a relationship goes two ways. It doesn’t matter how much I like her if she doesn’t want to be with me.”

“What makes you think she doesn’t want to be with you?” Mom asked. “That girl is crazy about you, even if she’s afraid to admit it.”

I was thirty-two years old, and I still didn’t understand how Mom knew all the things she did. I just hoped she was right this time.

“Don’t give up on her,” Mom said.

“What if she’s given up on me?” I asked, my throat tight. “She doesn’t even believe love can last.”

Mom paused. “It’s hard to believe in something you’ve never seen. But you can be the one to show her. One day, one breakfast, one kiss goodnight at a time.”

34

Mara

Confession: The only person who’s ever truly scared me was my dad.

Hayden wasasleep when I came out of the bathroom, one foot dangling off the end of the bed, his snores filling the room. His shaggy hair fell over his forehead, and the sheets covered his naked waist.

Jonas wouldn’t have fallen asleep first. He would have stayed up with me, watching soapy movies and eating ice cream, and letting my feet rest on his lap.

And I realized, casual sex would never be the same for me. Sex would never be the same without Jonas.

And that realization hurt like hell because I knew I’d just ruined whatever chance I had with Jonas by jumping into bed with Hayden. I hated this situation. Hated my dad for showing me that men weren’t safe. Hated myself for showing Jonas that I couldn’t be trusted to stick around when things got hard.

With all the pain in my chest, I wrapped myself in the hotel robe, got out my computer, and sat at the desk, losing myself in a story where the curvy girl got the guy, one where she was brave enough to chase happily ever after without worrying what would happen if it never came.

And I realized that’s why I’ve been writing all this time. Not to escape into another world, but to escape into someone different from myself. These characters in my book, they were so brave. They fought for the people they loved, knowing the entire time that they could face the rejection, the heartbreak of a lifetime.

I’d never been that brave.

Hayden got up around six, slipping on his jeans and shirt, kissing me on the cheek before walking out the door.

I knew before he left it would be the last time. I was done using sex to replace feelings. Because Jonas had shown me that feelings couldn’t be replaced, not when you had them for the right person. There was something special in the way Jonas touched me, and I knew I wouldn’t find it anywhere else.

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