Page 44 of Free Fall

“The dedication?”

My lips feel numb, and my head spins.

“Yeah. It’s a plaque. Reid told me he discussed it with your parents and they weren’t ready to be here yet, but I was hoping you would do it. If not, Reid will, but…” He looks up, and I follow his gaze. Reid has one hand on the gate, getting ready to go out onto the field, but he’s looking back at us like he’s waiting for my answer too. “…we were all kind of hoping you would.”

I nod before he even making the conscious decision that I’d do it. Eventually, I say yes and follow Coach Jackson to the field and the Spring Hill sidelines. Brady’s teammates accept me there, pulling me into their folds. Not just his best friends, but every single one of them, even the ones I’ve seen naked—accidentally. They clap me on the back, most of them looking contrite and sad. I don’t know what was said in the locker room, but it must’ve been something about Brady that has them all thinking about him right now. Not surprising since they’re going to be doing something for him before the game starts, but my heart feels full and about ten seconds from bursting.

Quickly, I pull out my phone and text Jules that she’ll have to sit without me in the beginning because they want me to accept a plaque on behalf of Brady. She sends me a few crying emojis, but then tells me her parents decided to come with her anyway, so they’ll be in the spot Reid picked out for us when I’m done.

I watch from the sidelines as the football goes through their warm-up exercises. Spring Hill is on one side of the field while the Red Raiders are on the other. Nerves tighten the muscles in my stomach. I’m usually not so nervous for the football games because of how amazing our team is, but this time, I am. Maybe it’s because of all the other emotions swirling around and how much I know the team will want to win this one for Brady.

When the officials walk onto the field, I plant my feet and bob up and down on my tiptoes. The cheerleaders start a cheer to get the crowd revved up, and it’s at the end of that when the announcer from the top of the stands calls everyone’s attention to the middle of the field for a tribute to Brady Page. My feet feel stuck in place. I had no idea they were going to get right to it like this. A few of the players pull me in close, and then we all lock hands around each other’s backs while Cade, Lex, and Reid make their way to center field where Coach Jackson already is.

My heart is in my throat when he starts to talk. There’s also a damn news camera in my face, reminding me how it was right after Brady suffered his aneurysm. The damn newspapers and television stations called my parents every day and even showed up at his funeral. I suck in a breath just like I did back then, avoiding them. I don’t know why the news is so fascinated by grief that they always want to put it right in everyone’s faces.

I block them out as best I can and focus on Coach Jackson. “As many of you know, we lost not only a great player last year, but also just a terrific human…Brady Page. I’m going to ask his sister, Briar, to step out here and accept this plaque, commemorating the dedication of the new flag staff outside of the football field to Brady. That way, for years to come, others will know his love and dedication to not only this game but to Spring Hill.”

The players next to me step away, and suddenly, I feel like I can’t do this. Everyone is staring at me, and I don’t have anyone to lean on. Someone puts his hand on my back and whispers to me that I can do it, but I’m stuck. I can’t fucking move. I hear the people in the stands clapping. On the other side of the field, people have risen to their feet, so I can only imagine what it looks like behind me, but all there is is a deafening buzz.

Coach Jackson is smiling at me, clapping his hands in a slow rhythm. The guys are clapping, too, but when they see I’m not moving, they step toward me, like their thoughts were all aligned. One brief hesitation, and they’re right there. Like always. Like they were before when I didn’t even realize it. Getting me out of bed, making me take a shower. Going to school. Hell, I probably needed a little hard talk like Reid gave me.

The rest of the team steps back as Reid, Lex, and Cade approach. It might just be my imagination, but I swear the crowd claps even louder. Even the players on the other team are showing their respect. It’s not surprising. With the small town that Spring Hill is, everyone knows these three boys and Brady. They know they grew up together, inseparable and unstoppable.

I’m afraid I might ugly cry when Cade, Lex, and Reid get to me, wrap their arms around me and each other and walk me out to the fifty yard line, but instead, I gather some of Brady’s courage and tamp the torrent of emotions that threaten to take me down.

When we get to the middle of the field, Coach Jackson hands me the plaque. I accept it, hands shaking, and turn toward the SHH stands. I was right. The sight would make anyone want to cry. There’s such an outpouring of love that it chisels away at the armor I put up when we first got the phone call from Coach saying Brady was rushed to the hospital. Tears track down my face, and I hold the plaque to me. Behind me, the guys all take the microphone for a few words. Words that make me want to hug each and every one of them for loving my brother so much. For making the short time he had here on Earth worth it. It’s like the eulogies from his funeral all over again. It’s been months and months since I’ve felt that much love.

When Coach offers the microphone to me, Reid tries to intercede, but I’m okay, actually. I really am. I smile at him gratefully and take it, turning back toward the crowd. “On behalf of Brady, I just want to thank everyone for this thoughtful gesture. My brother would love every second of this.” I smile through the pain tearing at my heart. Sometimes grief is just that. A happy memory mixed with desperation because you know you’ll never get to make memories like that again. “He’d probably walk around the house for days like he won the lottery.” The crowd laughs, but most importantly, the richness of the three distinguishable deep chuckles that come from behind me matter most. I turn around. “Thank you to everyone who’s supported my family over the past year, but most importantly, the three players standing in front of us right now. I don’t think my family could’ve gotten through it without you. You already know Brady loved you guys, but in case you need to hear it again, he did. So much.”

My voice breaks then, and even though there’s still so much more I want—no, need—to say, I give the microphone up and hand it back to Coach Jackson. I have time to tell these guys exactly how I feel. I don’t need to say it all here in front of everyone.

We all walk off, and the crowd cheers again. I stop once more, Brady’s plaque in hand, in the team’s huddle and smile. “I guess it’s about that time that Brady would be wanting you to kick this team’s ass.”

I walk away to several pats on the back and shoulder, blinking away my tear fractured vision so I can make my way to Jules now, but Reid catches up to me. He spins me around and hovers over me. The look in his eyes pins me in place. His throat works. He wants to say something, I can tell it’s killing him that he can’t get his brain and mouth to work together in this very moment. Coach calls him back to the huddle, so I just nod. “I know, Reid. You got this.”

He runs his hand over my head, clutches my hair at the nape of my neck, and then squeezes my shoulder before running back to his teammates.

Sometimes, a touch says everything.

19

Iwalk up to the bleachers, expecting to see Jules front and center just like Reid said. Instead, I see a stuffy man and woman who are dressed over the top for the occasion. It’s a high school football game for crying out loud and they’re dressed as if they’re headed into important business meetings. When Sasha calls out and waves to them, making sure I notice, I get it. She placed her parents there. I don’t know why I didn’t recognize them in the first place.

Bitch.

All I really wanted was to climb the bleachers and throw my arms around Jules and show her the plaque. I see her sitting just behind them. When she catches my gaze, she shrugs. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t care. I probably really shouldn’t care, but I’m sick of Sasha and her bullshit. This day is supposed to be about Brady and his friends and family, and here she puts her family front and center. I have no doubt Reid told her it was supposed to be for us. This is a move on her part to tell me she doesn’t give a fuck.

I walk right up to her mid-cheer. She glares at me, only stopping her cheer once I make it impossible for her to move even though her team continues around her. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I ask.

She gives me a half grin. Oh, she knows. She knows exactly what she’s doing. “You can’t be here right now, Skank. In case you haven’t noticed, this is the cheerleading area.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, though I’m sure you have because you have to be smarter than you look, your parents are sitting in the area Reid roped off for Jules and I.”

She fake draws a breath in and puts a hand over her mouth. “Was that what that was? Oops?”

I want to tell her I’ll march right up to Reid now and tell him what she’s done, even though there’s no way I would do that. It would be just a bluff, one that might work, but I’ll handle this myself. I turn on my heel and make a beeline straight toward her parents instead. “Mr. and Mrs. Pontine? You probably don’t know me. I’m Briar Page.”

“Oh, yes, dear. We’re so sorry about your brother.”

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