He groans. “Christ, Briar.”
I feel myself building now, reaching for that waterfall of ecstasy. When I know it’s going to come, I slow, grinding slow circles into him until I peak. “Reid!”
He holds me to him while I’m lost in the aftershocks, pumping inside me until he too comes apart, his fingers digging into my ass. I collapse against his chest. His hard breaths hit my hair, making it fan out against my face. It’s a while before I lean back and look him in the eye. He’s half-lidded, staring at me with bedroom eyes that make a smile come to my face. He reaches out to run a finger over my bottom lip. “We better get dressed in case my parents come back.”
Gently, I remove myself from him, sitting right back onto the coffee table while I wiggle my panties and jeans back up. My tops are a mess. My bra is all tangled. I finally free the straps then get it hooked before pulling my shirt back down into place. Then, I just watch Reid. He walks away, pulling the condom off himself as he heads to the bathroom. I hear him unroll some toilet paper and then the crinkle of plastic as he drops them both in the trash, hopefully he’s wrapped the toilet paper around the used condom to hide it. When he comes back out, he’s all put together again, too.
He drops back onto the couch, and I climb right back onto his lap and hold him. There’s about a hundred other things I could be doing. Calling my parents to ask how they are. Texting Jules to make sure she’s okay and to tell her what happened with Sasha. Homework. But there’s really nothing better than what I’m doing right now which scares the shit out of me. I feel like I’ve just transferred all that relying on only one person to make my life… from Brady to Reid.
But I guess that’s what love is. Trusting that person to be around forever. Or maybe it’s not just trust. Maybe it’s just faith. Or maybe it’s just despite the fact that something could go wrong, you want to be with that person no matter what. No matter if this ends in tragedy like Brady’s life did.
I close my eyes while I think about this, weighing the two options. Never feeling this way or feeling it and having it taken away.
Honestly, both scare the shit out of me. I don’t think I can take another person close to me leaving me, but Reid’s arms feel too damn good to deny me this one thing.
I don’t know what all the answers are. Maybe no one does.
28
On Friday night, I hop in a car with Jules after school to travel to the away game. The boys are on a bus, heading that way too. My parents come home tomorrow. I’m actually looking forward to seeing them, hearing about their trip. But there’s more than that too. I’ve been struggling with this idea of losing Reid now. I talked to the counselor about it at school today, asking her how people get over this feeling that people are going to leave them. Part of me just wants to see my parents back in our house so I know that they’re okay. It’ll be different than hearing their voices over the phone. Physical proof. That’s what I need right now, and I don’t know how these thoughts crept up on me. I was kind of happy when they said they were going away, but it’s a completely different story now.
“You’ve been quiet,” Jules says. “Is it the Sasha thing?”
I squirm in my seat as she takes a right. I’ve been to the school we’re playing against many times. We’re almost there, and I don’t think I’ve spoken the whole time. “No, it’s not that.”
She side eyes me. “Well, what is it?” Her voice lowers like she wants to ask me if it’s about Brady but doesn’t want to bring it up if it’s not. It’s like putting hurt on top of hurt if that’s not what this is about, but it actually is.
I hesitate to tell her. I don’t know why. We’ve always been able to talk about Brady related things, commiserate with one another, but this feels a little different.
“Spit it out, Briar. You know I’m here for you.”
I take a deep breath, letting her words sink in. I have what I thought I wanted. Other people in my life that care for me, but now it just scares me that these people will get taken away too. I clear my throat because it feels like I could really lose it about now. “I was wondering…” I say, feeling my voice tremble. “This is personal, so don’t feel like you have to answer it.”
“Okay…”
She’s nervous now. She goes to turn the blinker on but misses it the first time and has to hit it again. “You and Brady,” I start. “Knowing what you know now, that he’d be taken away from us, would you still be with him?”
Her brows pull together.
“I mean if you knew in the beginning of your relationship that Brady would die, would you still have dated him?”
“Briar,” she says. Her mouth opens to say one thing, and I think she’s about to tell me that of course she would, but then her mouth snaps shut. She pulls into the opposing team’s parking lot and finds a spot before shutting the car off and falling back into her seat with a look.
I think I know her answer. I think it’s no.
“What brought this on?” she asks instead.
I shrug. “It’s just everything that’s happening now. I don’t know. What if Reid dies? What if you die? My parents…” I choke up.
“What if? What if? What if?” she says. “You can’t do that. You can’t ‘what if’ your life to death.”
“So, you would?” I ask. “You’d date him?”
She nibbles on her lower lip. Why can’t she say yes? Why can’t she just tell me yes, that that’s what she would do? She’d date my brother. She’d fall in love. She’d feel the true ache when he’s gone. She’d live the next few months practically falling apart in other people’s arms missing him, looking toward her future and realizing that what she thought was going to happen just isn’t going to happen now.
Like what the fuck? Why is the world so fucking cruel?
I sigh and move to throw the door open, but Jules grabs my arm. “Stop.”