Page 36 of Foul Line

“Girl!” I hear before Dawn’s face even comes on the screen. She’s mid-laugh, and I notice she’s in her room, propped up against the ridiculous number of pillows she has on her bed. There are rainbows, unicorns, and suns. Her whole room is bright colors, which I so wasn’t expecting the first time I went over. “What’s up? I miss your face!”

I smile at her, but it’s short-lived. I miss her. Dawn was my rock after the Ballers abandoned me. She stuck by me when no one else did, and even with the short amount of time we’ve been friends, she’s the closest one I’ve ever had. I groan immediately. “Dawn, I’m so fucked.”

Her eyebrows pull together. “Something at camp? What’s going on? Don’t tell me those douches are being mean to you again.”

How to even explain it. Yes, and no. Yes, they were, but now they’re not? Well, I don’t even know that, really, do I? As far as I know, they could go back to being douches again.

I don’t answer quickly enough for Dawn. She widens her eyes at me. “What is it, woman? Don’t keep me in suspense. Hayes isn’t still stalking you, is he? Is it about your dad?”

Her theories are over-the-top. She thought it was the creepiest thing that Hayes would sit outside my house, even though I secretly felt safer when he was there. “Listen, I can’t explain any of this.” I pull my hair around my ear. “Some shit went down. So much stuff. I don’t even know where to start.” I can tell she’s growing even more frustrated by my vagueness, so I explain everything to her. I tell her how Hayes, and basically the rest of the Ballers, have all apologized to me. I tell her Ryan told me they dropped me last year for my safety. My face flushes when I tell her Ryan kissed me, and then Hayes.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.” She holds her hands up, and then sits straighter. “You kissed RyanandHayes? You’ve kissed, now, four out of the five Ballers?” She puts a finger up. “One, you’re a lucky bitch. Two, I think you’re losing it, Tessa. What’s changed other than the fact that they apologized and made up some story about doing something for your own good? Do I even need to tell you how sexist that sounds?”

I laugh at that. “They seemed to really mean it. They were worried about Lake.”

“If they were worried about Lake, they would’ve told him to fuck off and not you.” She shrugs when I frown. “I just don’t know if I fully believe them. We know the Ballers are used to getting what they want, you know. I’m just looking out for you. Don’t forget that you didn’t play at all last year after shit went down with them. How could they do that to you?”

I bite my lip. She’s right. That hurt a lot. That broke me, not just the part about them choosing Lake over me, but the fact that they basically froze me out of everything to do with basketball. Was that supposed to be for my own good, too? That was pretty much the exact opposite of my goals. I run my hands through my hair. “I don’t know. See, this is why I called you.”

She matches my expression, looking away from her phone screen for a second and then looks back. “Let’s say there’s some slim chance that they really do like you, and that you could get over their massive betrayal of ruining your basketball dreams…” My stomach drops. I can already tell Dawn thinks this is all just a ridiculous story to hurt me some more. “Which one would you pick?”

“W-what?”

She raises her eyebrows. “Which Baller would you pick? I mean, you know I’d be all over Alec and then some, but if they all really like you, you’d have to choose one. Hypothetically, of course.”

A weird twist starts in my stomach. I didn’t even think about that before. To me, it’s never been the Ballers as individuals even though I sort of, kind of dated Ryan briefly before he ripped my heart out the summer before Freshman year. It’s usually the group of them. They have what I always wanted. A tight-knit group of friends who understand what the others want.

Though, if I’m honest with myself, now that I know more about them, do they really have that? Alec won’t even tell his best friends that he wants to play college baseball. Even at the risk of injuring himself. Hayes, too, looked out for me without telling any of his friends because he didn’t want them to know. What if they’re not as strong as I thought they were?

“I have no idea,” I tell her honestly.

“Well, it’s a good thing you probably won’t even have to make that decision,” Dawn says. She moves the pillows behind her and then leans back again. “Be careful while you’re there. I feel terrible that you’re all alone. Even your dad doesn’t get you right now.”

“I didn’t even tell you that part,” I start. “Lake spied on me when I was out after curfew and turned me in to my dad.”

“That fucker.”

I nod.

“Wait,” she says. “Did the fact that Lake must’ve been out after curfew, too, ever come up? Otherwise, how could he have spotted you?”

I shake my head. “It’s a big mess. He’s doing everything he can to get me to go away again. I think the Ballers are sick of it this time though.”

A frown line appears between her eyes. “I really wish you wouldn’t trust them yet. Let’s see how this all plays out. I mean, I’m not saying don’t have fun with them…” She winks. “But like, don’t get too attached.”

Easy for her to say. I’ve been attached to the Ballers for years. Sometimes I felt like a lost puppy following them around. Maybe that’s my problem. I want them to want me. I want to believe that they actually do like me, and that they wouldn’t do this to me again. They seemed so sincere… Then again, I believed Sloan and Alec last time and look what happened. For months, I thought they easily wrote me off, and Dawn does have one sticking point that I don’t think I can ever get over. They ruined my basketball season for me. No matter how this all plays out, there’s always going to be that.

I groan inwardly. I’m grateful I did talk this out with Dawn because I was about ready to jump into their cabin and get cozy, but I shouldn’t let them off the hook so easily. “So, how’s David?” I ask with a sly grin.

“Oh. My. God.” From there on out, Dawn launches into a detailed description of their sexual antics, which makes me thoroughly uncomfortable, but puts a smile on my face anyway. Before long, she has me rolling around the bed with laughter.

After we say our goodbyes, I feel like I’m in a much better place. Instead of going for a swim like I’d originally planned, I head out toward the outside courts, stopping by the small equipment shed first. When I get out there, I take the same shots as we did earlier in the game of Pig, working on the ones I missed. Just strictly basketball-wise, I’m pleased with my performance earlier today. In the back of my head, I think about what Dawn said, about me having to choose between the Ballers. I honestly don’t know if I could. I do know that out of all of them, Hayes has done the least to me. He’s comforting and strong. I can tell he cares, but shit, Ryan, Alec, Sloan. It would be an impossible choice.

I take a deep breath, slam the ball down hard on the court, so that it soars back up through the air right in front of my face. I catch it on the way back down, asking myself what really has changed. So what if the Ballers like me and I like them? There’s still basketball. That’s the one constant that I can always count on. It’s the one thing that I believe I can change the outcome of. Call me a dreamer, but I believe if I play well enough, I could start next year, especially if I have the Ballers on my side…or at least if they don’t hate me like they say they don’t. An even playing field, that’s the only thing I want right now. I just want a chance. Is that too much to ask for?

I feel like they have it so much easier than I do. They play on their own gender’s team. They’ve all been friends for years. They’re so good, they’re the kings of the school. They don’t have to fight for their spots, they don’t even have to fight to keep them, it’s those that are coming up that have to fight and scrap and claw our way to even think about challenging them for a spot. It’s like that game I played as a kid: King of the Hill. They have the better vantage from already being on top. They can easily knock others down. They can see everything coming at them and have a heads up on how to play defense. Those of us crawling our way up have to be a few plays ahead. We have to be strategic. Everything has to be just right in order for us to claim a spot.

The part that’s difficult is that I’ve never wanted to dethrone them. I never wanted to knock them down a peg or two. I just wanted to join them. Yes, even Lake. We both want the same spot, but that doesn’t mean I wanted it all for myself. I was willing to share. With everything that’s happened now, I have to ask myself if sharing is good enough for me anymore. Has he crossed the point of no return? Will I be satisfied if we share starting hours? Or maybe I won’t be satisfied until he’s the one fighting for every last scrap I decide to give him.

---