Page 1 of Jax

1

My heart beats like a rabid animal on the hunt, a ruthless constriction of sensitive muscle that lets me know I’m alive. My heart is a traitor though.

I’m sick of being the animal.

I’m sick of always living for the hunt.

I’m sick of...everything.

A few deep breaths to calm myself don’t work. Sweat slithers down my spine, practically licking my backstabbing flesh as it goes. I’m doing the one thing I told myself I would never do again: see Jax.

Fuck me.Out of the two of us, Jax is the one who deserves peace. Yet, here I am, out in front of his house like I’ve done so many times before.Waybefore. Only this time, I might be the most fucked up I’ve ever been, and trust me, he’s seen me at my worst.

Past me has nothing on this twisted, tortured version of myself… Miss Sadie Lovell, con extraordinaire.

My feet come to a stop as I let the past swallow me. Two warring emotions flit through my head. One, the warmth of familiarity. Two, a guilt so potent it makes my stomach churn as I stare up at the two-story home. Part of me hopes Jax isn’t here. With the way he’s done something with his life, I hope he’s moved out of the Heights. Maybe he has a nice house in the ‘burbs. A girl. A kid.

My gut knots like I’ve stuck myself with my own dagger and twisted it with a quick flick of my wrists.

Jealousy. It’s an emotion I haven’t felt in a long time and one I don’t deserve either. Not by a long shot. If anything, I’m the one who fucked over Jax and continue to do it too. The thought of him with someone else and living well fills me with a betrayal that sits in my core like a rotten apple infested with hundreds of crawling insects.

Plus, these thoughts of mine are bullshit anyway. I know damn well he’s still living here with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend. Why? Because Psycho told me, and Psycho knows everything.

When he latches on to a “job”, he does it well.

Even now, when I’m away from the man who owns me, I can picture the darkness in his eyes as he spins his favorite dagger on the table, glaring at me like caged prey. The threat in his eyes was enough but the still stinging slice on my ear rules my current thoughts. That’s how Psycho operates though. Overkill might well be his middle name.

Jax’s house is as I remember it. It’s simple with minimal character. The uniqueness it held always came from the people inside, not the wood it was built out of or the unexceptional exterior. The warm memories it provokes don’t lessen the sucker punch of guilt though.

Too chicken to walk up the front steps, I stay outside for a few more minutes. In a perfect world, in a perfect life, I’d walk up to that door and Jax would surround me in one of his best bear hugs. He’d tell me everything was okay like he used to. He was always so good at being my knight in shining armor. That was before I turned out to be the villain.

Iturned my white knight dark, and that’s on me.

Psycho’s parting farewell replays in my head.Don’t fuck this up. Or you’ll pay.The reminder of his harsh words gets my feet moving underneath me.

When Psycho threatens revenge, I never like the outcome.

Throwing my hair over my shoulder, I walk up the familiar steps, my heart breaking the entire time. I place a placid, blank look on my face as I approach the door. There are definitely some new gadgets going on around the door frame. I ignore the video camera that’s recording me right now and push the doorbell. The bells chime, and the silence that follows makes my heart leap with hope that I can put this meeting off for another day. There’s no running down the steps to answer the door. There are no annoyed shouts of “Are you going to get that or what?”

Maybe they’re really not here.

I almost sigh in relief but then the most inhuman roar bellows from inside. It curdles my stomach, making my knees knock together. I’ve heard Jax make that sound before. I’ve heard it rumble from the depths of his soul, expelling out his mouth like a crushing curse. It was the day I broke him. The day I threw everything we had away. A day I will never be able to make up for in all the years I have left of my shitty existence.

Something crashes inside, and I immediately lock up, preparing for the worst. In my dreams, sometimes he still loves me. He’ll still go to the ends of the earth to make sure I’m taken care of. That one fantasy has kept me going on more than one occasion and coming back into his life has obliterated that tiny shred of hope I kept hidden away for myself.

Jax hasn’t forgotten. How could he?

“Who is that?” a feminine voice asks, the sound muffling through the exterior wall. Heights houses aren’t made all that well, so it’s no surprise that I can hear her through the walls. Her voice, though, sends a blitzkrieg of annoyance through my veins.

That girl is in my domain. I was here first—well before her—so I should be asking who she is.

Life isn’t fucking fair.

I trap my emotions inside, still keeping my face a blank canvas. I’ve always been good at it but I swear to the devil, if that girl isn’t Finn’s like I’ve been led to believe, I won’t be able to control myself. In her face, I’ll see everything I should have. Everything that was promised to me.

“Hey. Hey…,” she says again in a soothing tone. At this point, I don’t even care if it is Finn’s girl, I might kill her anyway for taking on the role that is rightfully mine. I should be the girl inside those walls calming down my big beast of a man.

“Leenie, go upstairs.”

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