“I didn’twantto leave you,” I tell him.
He smiles. “I know that.”
“I just didn’t want you to get involved in any of that shit.”
“Dude, I get it. I wouldn’t have blamed you. I mean, maybe I would have at first but we all know K was an evil son of a bitch.”
The same agonizing horror that used to plague me back then fills me again. It was so hard letting go of Sadie when she had to go back to him. I wanted to march into the tower myself. I could have killed him. Easily. It wasn’t even the fact that she was my girl and no one else could touch her but me. It was what she had to dowithhim. She cried in my arms countless motherfucking times. In a way, he almost killed her. Her light was dying, and I had to do something. “Glad that fucker’s dead,” I spit, my hand clenching to a fist. I’d balked at first but any small part I played in killing that fucker is among the top moments in my life. Along with the Ring. Along with Elite Boxing. Along with…her.
“Do you still love her?”
A low vibration starts in the pit of my chest. It’s the million-dollar question.
“Do you think you could?” he asks. “If given the time? I don’t want to see this affect you negatively if six months from now you fucking lose it because she’s not here again.”
I bring my knees up and stare at a light blinking through the sky. Sadie and I used to come out here, searching out the airplanes. We’d make up stories about where we would go if we were on one. Tahiti. Alaska. Japan. “She apologized.” Emotion constricts my throat so I clear it. “She said she was fucking sorry.”
“About damn time. But you didn’t wait all these years for an apology.”
“Who said I waited?”
He gives me a look. “Oh, so all those years of never looking at a girl was some sort of deliberate celibacy? Please,” he scoffs.
I narrow my gaze at him, trying to understand what he’s getting at. “Are you pushing me toward her?”
“No one can make you do shit, man.” He shakes his head. “You know that. I’m trying to help you get out of your own fucking way because you’re a stubborn prick.”
“So you trust her?”
“Fuck no.”
“Then?” I snap. “Why are we even having this damn conversation? Trust is everything.”
“Not everything, Jax,” Finn grinds out. “I don’t trust her yet, and I know you fucking don’t either, but what the hell is your heart telling you? You’re the older brother here but you’re being fucking dumb.”
My jaw snaps shut. “Is that so?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know why I’m even fucking asking you. You’re a romantic.”
“Fuck off,” he chides. “Sadie hurt you. She fucking hurt me, too. But ask yourself honestly if she did it on purpose? It’s not like telling K you raped her helped her all that much. She fucking loved you. You were her savior. Don’t fucking deny it. She would’ve died for you. The both of you would have. And in a way, maybe she did, Jax. On your side, it looked like she turned you in and lied, but it couldn’t have been easier on her. Giving you up meant she had nobody. She went back into that tower and endured him for however long he had her there. I know you tried to keep her situation from me but she was his goddamn sex slave. It wasn’t a relationship. She was a piece on the side, a young piece at that. Fucking old decrepit piece of shit. I don’t know about you but I can’t imagine having no choice but to sleep in someone else’s bed. Fulfill their every fantasy.” He chokes up, Adam’s apple bobbing. “Now that I have Leenie, I get how you felt. I would’ve killed him.”
“You don’t think I wanted to? He was the leader of the fucking Crew, Finn.”
“Exactly,” he says, peering over at me. He presses his lips into a thin line. “I’m not diminishing the shit you’re going to have to get through. You’ve told me some fucking horror stories, and don’t think I never saw the way people treated you when you got home because I did. I get the betrayal. I mourn with you, bro. But at least I get to have you. At least I fucking get to mourn with you. He would’ve killed you. You’ve heard Kyla’s story.”
I lean my head against the wood siding, staring straight up. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”
“I wanted you to come to your own decision.” He elbows me in the side. “But why do you think I let her come back to the house? Stay on our couch?”
“Because Leenie told you to.”
Finn laughs. It expands his chest until he releases it into the air, so carefree among the darkness. He leans over, whispering, “She’s kind of scary.”
“I heard that,” she calls from inside.
“Love you, babe,” he says louder.