Page 43 of Jax

“Fuck you.” I stand, my hands clenching to fists. “Don’t pretend you know what it was like for me. Don’t pretend you fucking know what it’s like to sleep next to that fucker every night. To have to touch him. Fuck him. Please him in whatever fucking way he wants because you don’t know what the fuck he’ll do to you. You can’t leave because you have no money. You can’t call for help because who’s going to help someone like you? You can’t trust anyone. So fuck you. It’s really easy for you to judge me when you’re sleeping in the safety of this house every night.”

He stands, shadowing me in a second. “You could’ve trusted me!”

He’s so furious, he’s shaking. An angry red face with narrowed eyes peer into me like he can turn me inside out and gut me. I shake my head. “You can get mad at me for a lot of things, but don’t you fucking dare spout your bullshit about this. I survived in the only way I knew how, so keep calling me a whore like it’s some sort of joke. Like I’m so dirty no one should touch me. Trust me, I can take it. It’s nothing to getting a dick rammed up your ass when you don’t want it. Being so raw and bloody afterward that you can’t sit down for days.”

Jax roars. The vibration rattles the house right down to the windowpanes. I scream right back at him. The kind of primal, I’m-not-going-to-back-down, fists thumping off my chest cry. Yes, I fucked him over, but it’s not as if shit was all sunshine and roses for me. He reaches out, but I move just out of his reach. He pounces quicker, finally grabbing hold of me. He throws me over his shoulder and starts walking. Before I know it, he’s carrying me up the stairs. I kick my legs and hammer fist his back. Through it all, he’s as steadfast as a statue.

I get a peek of Finn and Leenie holding hands through my blonde strands that have fallen in front of my face. Leenie wipes her eyes before she turns into Finn’s chest. I close my own, all fight leaving me. This is one reason why I didn’t want to say anything. I don’t deserve anyone’s sympathy.

Jax takes me into his room and drops me on the bed. I bounce on the mattress before he’s climbing over me. For a frantic second, I think he’s going to come on to me but he doesn’t. He wraps me up in his python arms and squeezes. He holds me so close to his chest it’s as if he’s wringing out all the emotion from me. Before I know it, all my anger has subsided, and I’m sniffling. Then, I’m full-on bawling as he holds me even closer, squeezing me tighter when the sobs shake me.

I don’t know how long we stay like that. His touch drags it all out of me as I replay all the despicable, nasty, horrifying things I’ve done and that have been done to me in one episode. It turns me inside out, like the raw parts of me are showing. All my jagged edges. All my scars.

“He won’t touch you again,” Jax swears. His voice is so matter of fact that my eyelids flutter, and I glance around the room to make sure I’m in the right place. Sure enough, there’s Jax, staring down at me like he used to.

“I’m not dragging you into my shit again,” I say, a tear opening up in my chest. “Look what happened to you last time. The only thing I can do for you now is get the hell out of here and never see you again.”

His arm around my middle tightens, his fingers splaying out over my stomach. “Listen, we’re a pair of tortured fucking assholes. We—” His sentence cuts off abruptly.

“That’s it? That’s all?”

“Well, I was going to say something endearing, but we really are just assholes.”

I sigh. The two of us together could start a war. “Yeah, we are.”

“I’m sorry I said those things to you,” he mumbles. “I shouldn’t pretend like I know what you went through. Sometimes I can’t get out of my own fucking way.”

“I’m sorry, too.” I turn toward him, wrapping his shirt in my fist. The pillow my head lies on is soaked with my tears, so I move forward to a dry section.

“What’s this fucker want?” Jax asks. “Is it the gym? Is it something else? There has to be a reason why you’re here and he’s okay with it.”

Here it is. The part where I fuck everything up. “First, I want to say that I never would’ve gone through with it.” Tears fall from my eyes. “I mean, I like to think I wouldn’t have but—fuck.”

Jax reaches out to swipe at my cheeks. “Stop fucking crying. I can’t handle it. Just tell me what’s going on so we can deal with this.”

“Think about it,” I say. “You have everything he wants. A successful gym. A loyal, trained fighter-base. Money,” I squeak out. “People in the Heights don’t usually have successful gyms and bars unless you’re in the Crew.”

“The Dragons, you mean,” Jax corrects.

“Right.” I close my eyes briefly. It’s hard to get away from the past sometimes.

“So, he wants my money?”

I nod, the fabric of the pillow rubbing against my cheek. “I’m supposed to be looking through your computers, your files, anything so he can clean you out or hack your accounts.”

For a split second, the old anger shines through but Jax quickly reins it in. “How many times have you done this for him?”

“Too many,” I confess, my voice catching once again. It’s hard enough to admit what I’ve done to myself, let alone to admit it to someone who’s always loved me unconditionally until I fucked it up. Jax has always taken me, even with the scars and hurt. I just have so much more of that painful baggage now.

“So, he decided he’d use you because of our past?”

“I told him it wouldn’t work. That’s why I made that half assed attempt when I stopped by the house the first time. After we all went to the Ring, though, I think he formed his own plan.”

“He wanted me to see you get beat up, didn’t he?” Jax guesses.

I shrug. “I didn’t realize it until he left me there with you. It must have been part of his plan. If he’d asked me, I would’ve told him it wouldn’t work. I had no idea you’d let me come back.”

Jax swallows. Guilt fills his eyes to the brim. “Sadie... I’ve been pining for you for a long fucking time. You could’ve shoved a gun in my face and pulled the trigger and as long as I was still alive, I would’ve brought you back home with me. I’m as fucked in the head as you are.”

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