Page 44 of Jax

I bite my lip. Part of me wants to celebrate but the other part of me wonders if Jax and I are holding onto something that will be the destruction of us all. “This isn’t going anywhere good, Jax.”

He swallows. “You’re probably right, but when you’re right here in front of me, I can’t bring myself to care.”

19

Waking up in Jax’s arms like old times feels like a dream. I snuggle into his side, his bulking muscles poking into me. At some point, his shirt came off and my fingers found his abs, resting in the deep crevices.

His chest rises and falls slowly, a sure sign that he’s still sleeping. I lie where I am, breathing in his scent that’s so uniquely him. It’s been a long time since I’ve woken up next to someone who I actually wanted. I try not to move. If I wake him, I fear the spell will be broken.

My fingers have minds of their own though. They trail down past his navel, meeting the waistband of his joggers. They find their way under, skimming over his taut skin. It’s as if their heat-seeking missiles and there’s only one thing on their mind. Jax’s breath quickens. His heart rate picks up, thrumming under my ear. My fingers have dove knuckle-deep under his pants when he traps them with his own.

I frown as he pulls my hand free from his pants and places it on his chest. I open my mouth to ask him what’s wrong when a loud knock shakes the door. “Family meeting time, slackers. Get the fuck up.”

Jax reaches for the pillow beneath his head and throws it. After hitting the door, it lands unceremoniously on the hardwood floor without making a single sound. He sighs. “I should’ve threw the lamp, I guess.”

I chuckle, the sound breaking the awkwardness in the air. He still has a tight hold on my fingers like he’s scared to let them go.

“I don’t hear those feet hitting the floor!” Finn yells.

I laugh out loud, finally bringing my head back so I can peer up at Jax. “Didn’t your dad used to say that?”

“Yes,” Jax grumbles. Louder, he calls out, “Coming, fuckhead.”

“Love you too, bro.” Finny’s answer is muffled as it comes up through the floorboards.

Jax extracts himself from me and swings his feet over the side of the bed. His back hunches over as he runs his hands through his hair. In a lot of ways, I’m staring at the same guy who used to be my everything. However, this version of Jax has changed a little—and not only in physical appearances. Growing up gives you the ability to sit back, watch, and understand. Before, it was Jax and me. We were both so self-centered. Our lives practically revolved around the other, which is probably why we eventually got found out. One of K’s men spotted us and turned us in. I’d broken the second most important rule: Other men were off-limits.

Jax and I have both matured. We’re still wrapped up in each other, but our lives are entwined with a bunch of prickly, thorny shit that needs to be cut away before we can grow free again.

“You’re so different,” I whisper, watching the muscles of his back ripple.

He looks over his shoulder at me. “You’re sadder.” I go to turn away but he reaches back to grab my chin. He makes me look at him while he leans on the bed to face me. “You’re hardened. Before, even though life was shit, you still had life in your eyes. It’s barely there anymore. That fucker squashed it.”

“He wasn’t the only thing that squashed it.” I reach up, wrapping my fingers around his forearm. “What I did to you set me on a spiral. I was weak. Lost. I was practically begging for people to take advantage of me.”

“The past is the fucking past.”

I search his gaze, hoping he’s telling the truth. I can tell he wants to mean it, I’m just not sure if he fully does yet. Who forgives someone for sending them to jail?

“Which is why,” he continues, “I won’t be touching you again until you really want it. You’re not going to fuck me just because you want to make it up to me. Or because I want to punish you. We’ve got shit to sort through first.” The mattress groans as he gets to his feet.

I blink at him. “You actually want to sort through some of this shit? You think it’s worth it?”

I don’t know why I keep coming back to the bare roots. We’re two people who love each other but far too many barriers separate us. It’s as if life won’t let us be together. Romeo and Juliet-esque. The saddest story ever. Doomed before it even began.

“There’s one thing I’ve always been clear on…” Jax says as he moves around the side of the bed. “...You’ve always been worth it. Now let’s get downstairs before Finn has a fit.”

Jax throws a shirt over his head, and his footsteps creak the stairs as he goes down. I pull myself up, gazing at the clothes I slept in last night. Luckily, Leenie must have left the bags of clothes we bought at the thrift store right outside the bedroom door. I sort through them and actually pull on a pair of jeans that fit me and a shirt that doesn’t scream either whore or homeless person.

Running my fingers through my hair, I walk down the stairs feeling a whole hell of a lot like myself. Dishes clank in the kitchen, so I walk that way until I find Jax already sitting at the small table in the dining room with a bowl of oatmeal. He nudges a similar bowl toward me. Leenie sees the gesture and laughs. “Don’t worry, I have sugar.”

She sets a small, glass canister filled with white granules on the table but Jax places his palm over top of the bowl. “Let her try it without. Maybe her palette is more refined than yours.”

“My palette is just fine, thank you very much,” she retorts. “It’s not my fault you eat Play-Doh and call it a meal.”

When Jax’s gaze swings to me, I know I’ll choke the oatmeal down no matter what I think about the taste. It can’t be the worst thing I’ve eaten in the last couple of years. You don’t even know the true horror of eating shit food unless you’ve gone dumpster diving. My stomach is practically solid steel from those experiences.

I swallow a heaping spoonful. Leenie and Jax stare at me, waiting for my reaction. It’s like some sort of showdown between them. Honestly, it’s fine. Tastes good, even. “Sorry, Leenie. I like it.”

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