Page 38 of More Than Pen Pals

“Leslie—”

We laugh, and I’m tempted to say, “Jinx,” but I don’t.

“Ladies first,” he says with a smile.

I don’t want his smile to go away. I don’t want to be the reason it goes away.

“I thoroughly enjoyed last night,” I say. “Well, the parts where I wasn’t confessing to my childhood indiscretions, at least.”

He chuckles.

I continue, “I’m so happy we reconnected and you forgave me.”

“That makes me happy, too.”

The look he gives me is so tender, I want to weep.

“I’m attracted to you, Ash, and not just physically—though that’s very much there. You’re kind, and you’re easy to talk to, and you’re everything I hoped you’d grow up to be.”

He opens his mouth to speak, but I hold up a hand to stop him. While I want to know exactly how he feels about me, I also want to potentially spare him any embarrassment from saying something he might regret after he hears the rest of it.

I press on, “I don’t think I’m wrong in saying these feelings seem to be mutual. And I wish we could act on them, but we can’t right now.”

His face falls briefly before he recovers and plasters on a fake smile. My heart aches from the knowledge I put it there.

I clear my throat and force myself to keep looking him in the eye. “I’m only two weeks out of a long-term relationship that ended when I moved here. I can’t let you be my rebound. I won’t do that to you.”

Ash closes his eyes and lets out a long breath. I can feel my pulse in my ears as I watch him attempt to compose himself. If he doesn’t say something soon, my eardrums might burst from the pressure.

“Man, am I ever glad I didn’t kiss you last night,” he says as he opens his eyes.

My eyebrows have never been so close to my hairline. “What?” I breathe out.

“I laid awake all night wishing I’d kissed you,” he confesses. “But now I’m relieved I didn’t.” His intense gaze sends a rush of heat to my core. “Because once I do kiss you, I won’t want to stop.”

My body is tingling all over, and my heart can’t remember how to beat properly. I want him more than I did a minute ago, if that’s possible.

“Wh-whydidn’tyou kiss me?” I know I shouldn’t ask, but I can’t help myself.

“Partly because I was afraid you didn’t want me to, and partly because you shivered, and I realized you were cold.”

“Are you kidding me? I shivered because I thought you were going to kiss me,” I explain. “And I very much wanted you to. I was mad you didn’t.”

He laughs—actually laughs. “Leave it to me to misread the signals.”

“So you’re okay with this?” I ask.

“Okay with a gorgeous woman wanting to kiss me and date me but caring enough about me to make sure she completely gets over another man before she does so?” He nods. “Definitely.”

I think I love him. And that’s not the alcohol talking, because we haven’t ordered drinks yet. But this is exactly why I can’t date him. What if these feelings are my way of coping with Glenn dumping me? Would I feel this way about any man who showed an interest in me right now? I don’t think that’s the case, but I’m exceptionally grateful to Aunt Star for helping me see I might not be thinking clearly.

The last thing I want to do is to crush the heart of the man across from me, even if the wait might be agonizing—and not only emotionally. I’m sitting on my hands because I’ve never wanted to touch a man as much as I long to touch Ash Hamilton. His hand is lying right there on the table, and I feel like if I can’t curl my own fingers around it, I’ll explode.

“I thought you were going to tell me you have a boyfriend,” he says, transferring my focus from his hand to his mouth, which doesn’t help matters. He has a lovely mouth. “Or worse—that you don’t have any feelings for me. This?” He waves his hand back and forth between me and him, and my eyes follow it like a line of ants to spilled ice cream. “This I can deal with. Am I excited we have to wait? No. But I’m more than willing to.”

twenty

Ithink I love her. Though that may be the testosterone talking.

---