Page 124 of So Much More

“I do. And you can take advantage of the fact that my lips are inches from yours right now and kiss me.”

He does, but we keep it brief, considering where we are. Then we hold each other in silence for a few minutes.

“Did you make plans with Andrea for tonight?” he finally asks.

“We loosely made dinner plans, but before finalizing them, I wanted to check with Shannon about whether he could drive me, and she’s going to see if her mom can join us. I told her I’d call her in about an hour and we’d figure it out.”

“Okay. Shannon said he can drive us to the hotel when we’re ready. Maybe they can meet us at the hotel restaurant or another place nearby we can walk to. That is, if you’re okay with me joining you.”

“Of course I am. Andrea was saying she wants to get to know you, and I want you to meet Emily. And I’m ready to go to the hotel now.”

“Oh, are you?” He wiggles his eyebrows, and I roll my eyes.

“I am. We need time to talk through what happened today and what the next few days will look like. Then we’ll go to an early dinner with Andrea and her mom and Emily. And then we’ll go back to the room and enjoy each other without worrying about anyone needing us or waiting for us or anything else.”

fifty-five

“Tell me how you’re feeling about your dad right now.” Wendy holds one hand out to me, and I grasp it and rest our joined hands on my knee.

We’re in our hotel room, which has a small living area, and we’re sitting facing each other on the love seat. We have a half hour before we need to leave to meet Andrea, Emily, and Andrea’s mom for dinner.

“I’m angry,” I say.

“What are you angry about?”

I rub my free hand across my forehead. “I’m angry at myself for being both sad and relieved. I don’t want to be either of those things. I shouldn’t be sad about the death of someone who treated me and the rest of my family so badly. And I’m mad that I’m relieved by someone’s death, no matter how awful he was. I thought I was better than that. And it’s driving me crazy to feel all these contradictory emotions at the same time.”

“Grief rarely makes sense, so don’t try to make it make sense. And don’t let today’s feelings inform how you view yourself. You’re having to deal with so much right now. Let yourself feel what you feel, and don’t judge yourself for it.”

I nod. “I’ll try. And here’s another thing I’m mad about, even though it’s illogical. If this was going to happen, why not before Thursday, so we wouldn’t have needed to go through everything that led up to and happened that day?”

She thinks about my question for a few moments. “I understand what you’re saying, but maybe think about it from a different perspective. You and your mom and siblings now have a much stronger bond with each other due to what you experienced together earlier this week. You discovered you can lean on each other and count on each other and sacrifice for each other. I don’t know that you had that kind of relationship before. Did you?”

I shake my head. “Not really. We loved each other, obviously, but we’d never gone through something so intense and so personal together.” I sigh. “I hate to admit you’re right.”

Wendy cocks her head to the side. “Why do you hate to admit it?” Interestingly, she’s curious, not irritated by my statement.

“Because you’re always the one who makes things make sense. You have the good ideas, the right answers, and know exactly what to do. I feel like I don’t bring anything to this relationship. You give, and I take.”

“Baby, that’s so not true. Look at where we are right now.” She sweeps her hand out to encompass the room. “We’re in Arkansas together because you came here. I didn’t tell you to do that. That was all you.”

I hang my head. “That was actually Melissa.”

“This was her idea?” Again, she’s simply curious.

“Yeah. She went with me to the morgue and police station so Ash could stay at home with Mom and the girls, and she set me straight when she found out I hadn’t told you what happened yet. I told her I couldn’t mess up your weekend, and she said if I didn’t want you to give up your plans for me, then I needed to go to you.”

Wendy reaches up to stroke my cheek. “Regardless of whose idea it was, you willingly gave up your plans for me. I’m sure there are many things you could be doing at home right now, but instead you came here for me.”

“Yeah,” I say, “and my family is having to pick up the slack at home because of it.”

“Did any of them tell you not to come?”

“No,” I reluctantly admit. “When I told them I wanted to come here but didn’t want to leave them to handle things without me, they all said they’d be upset if I didn’t come to you.”

“See?” She caresses my hand with her thumb. “This isn’t a contest. It’s not about who gives the most. But you give me so much, even if you don’t realize it. You give me comfort and peace and stability, and you even provide me with entertainment sometimes.” She grins at me.

I smile back. “I can be pretty funny.”

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