Page 61 of Suits and Spark Plugs

“I didn’t come home and call this meeting for all my girls to gang up on me.” Dad’s voice sounded hard.

“Then why did you come home and call a meeting?” I dared to ask. “Because we’ve been living this way for a long time, and I kind of thought maybe you were ready to actually talk to us.”

Dad’s eyes scanned all of our faces, and his expression softened. “I’ve made some bad choices,” he said at last. He couldn’t seem to look at us, and he turned to look to the window. “I do make good money. I’ve been selfish. It’s easy to forget about your responsibilities when you’re away.”

“Where’s the money?” Mom asked in a soft voice that erased my frustration with her and caused tears to spring to my eyes.

A new insight—painful and raw—hit me as I watched her look to Dad. She was waiting because she loved him still. She didn’t speak to us because she didn’t want words out there that couldn’t be retracted. She was harboring hope that I’d long left behind.

Dad turned back to Mom. “I’ve been living pretty high on the hog.” His face was red with shame, and I was unapologetically glad for it.

“Oh, Paul.” Mom’s voice broke. “I’ve been slaving away here and been half a parent to these girls because of the worry and exhaustion. How could you do it?”

“There’s one other thing,” Dad said in a broken tone. Fear turned the rest of us silent with dread as we wondered what could be worse than what he’d already told us. “I don’t work eight weeks on, one week off. I actually work four weeks on, one week off. I could be coming home double what I do now.”

I saw Mom’s throat working as she absorbed this information. Interestingly, her posture straightened and looked more like how she’d carried herself in the past. Sadie curled up into herself and tucked her knees against her eyes. For my part, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. My eyes couldn’t bear to look at him as he finally, and unequivocally, admitted that he was choosing to be away. Instead I absently noticed the light speckles of dust floating in the sunlight near him as my brain repeated over and over that he was withholding not only money but also himself. It felt like more of a betrayal than the rest of it put together.

“Why?” Mom voiced what we were all thinking.

“I guess that after twenty-six years of being a husband and father, feeling that weight of providing, it just felt good to have some freedom.”

“Your freedom cost Mom and Liv theirs,” Sadie said in an angry, muffled voice. My eyes focused on her, small and huddled in the corner of the couch. “Mom works really hard, and Liv has to take care of everything at home, and I hate watching it. I feel angry all the time.” Her voice clogged, but she held up a hand before anyone else could talk. I wanted to beg her forgiveness for thinking she had no idea how hard my life had become, but I waited, watching her throat work. “I hate you, Dad, for what you did. I don’t think you should be here anymore.”

“Sadie...” Dad’s voice was a hollow whisper. “You can’t mean that.”

“Are you asking us to forgive you? Asking to come home?” I interceded.

“I’m not sure,” he replied.

“I think that’s a lie. You’ve had years to think about it. I think you do know, but you don’t want to come out and say it.” I flung the words at him, not caring if they stung. I glanced at Mom, who was looking anywhere but at Dad, and felt something snap. “You and Mom need to start talking.” I wanted to scream and shake them. “Talk, please. I’m begging you. Figure something out. We can’t keep doing this.” I waited until Mom and Dad were both looking at me before taking a deep breath and plunging further in. “I’m tired of being the slave to whatever is happening here. There aren’t enough Band-Aids in the world, and I can’t stop the bleeding all by myself.”

“She’s right,” Mom said. I noticed that she was still avoiding looking at Dad, and it broke my heart.

“One more thing, Mom, you need to stop moping around here like you have no power to change anything.”

Her mouth popped open into an O. “I don’t mope. I’m just tired.”

“You’re mopey,” Sadie inserted, which made me want to cheer.

Then I looked to Dad, and for once I saw him as nothing more than a man in his middle years. The sparkle was gone for me. “Dad, decide once and for all if you’re in or out. If you’re in, you have some serious kissing up to do. If you’re out, then be out and free us from hanging on.”

Now it was Dad’s turn to have his mouth gape open. “Well, that wasn’t pleasant to hear.”

“None of this was,” Mom replied.

“Leave it to Liv to bust things wide open,” Sadie added, but she’d lifted her head and was smiling at me. It felt amazing to feel her support at last.

I stood. “I know that everything won’t be fixed overnight, and that’s okay. The important thing is that we’re not going to hide behind the unsaid things anymore.” When none of them did anything other than stare at me I said, “Is that clear? We’re done hiding from the truth.”

They all nodded at me. Satisfied, shaking, feeling like I was going to lose my breakfast, I hustled up the stairs to my room and fell against the closed door. I’d left nothing unsaid down there, regardless of cost. Now all I could do was wait.

Mom and Dad spent a full twenty-four hours sequestered away in their bedroom. Sadie and I heard fighting, crying, whispered conversations, and more fighting. We huddled together on my bed into the late hours that first night, relieved that they were actually communicating, and spending hours discussing what it all meant. If Dad decided to stay, was there any hope that he could undo the years of neglect? If he decided to go, would it be a relief or a new heartbreak? For the first time, however, we knew we had each other, and there was some comfort in that.

When they emerged from their room, both of their faces looked less worn than I’d seen them in a long time. They called us down to the living room, where Dad stood in front of that same window, only this time he was standing next to three suitcases. In that moment of understanding I hardly heard the words they were saying to Sadie and me. It didn’t matter that Mom would be quitting her night job at the market and Dad would increase the amount he sent home monthly. All I saw was Dad making his final exit.

My hands shook as Dad made good on his promise to help me with schooling and handed me a wad of cash that would cover the next semester’s tuition. He had to fold my hand around the envelope and tuck it close to my chest to keep me from dropping it.

Now I knew how it would feel to have him decide to go, and I grasped why Mom had put it off for so long. It wasn’t as simple as either relief or sorrow. It was both. Agonized liberation left me numb, speechless, and empty. At least we knew; at least the guessing game was over. Now we could build from here.

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