Page 84 of Halstead House

“True. But you weren’t in love before.”

I shot her a wide-eyed look. In two breaths she’d jumped from twitterpated to in love. It was too much even if something inside of me purred at the words. “I’m not in love with Lucas.”

“Lies,” she said out loud at the same time the word echoed in my mind.

“How can you be in love with someone after a few weeks, and a few kisses, and exactly zero dates?”

Her eyebrows shot up. “So you do admit you’ve kissed?”

I immediately blushed, as in tomato red. My mouth opened, but no words formed. Ana patted my leg, letting me off the hook. “I don’t profess to understand all the ways love can happen, Grace. It just does.”

“I refuse to lose control of myself over this ‘who knows’ situation and become a total fool.” Too bad it already felt out-of-control, which was not something I had much experience with. Here I was, my first real love blooming inside of me, and it was wrecking my life. “I don’t actually know if we’re in a relationship or not.”

“You don’t have to have a label on something for it to be real.”

I let that sink in. Lucas had texted me throughout the week, entertaining me with witty and sometimes sarcastic descriptions of his meetings. It had charmed me to feel him opening up. We’d spoken on the phone twice. Those conversations had been precious to me, and the happiness of answering the phone to hear his voice had tied my tongue to the point where I’d felt embarrassed about my stilted conversation. But Lucas had pushed on, comfortable and easy in himself, until I’d relaxed too.

“If this is what love feels like, I’m glad to have missed out on so much over the years,” I finally said softly.

“Yeah, imagine how bad I was going through this at age fifteen, while also going through acne, hormones, and the misery of high school.”

I laughed. “Maybe you’re right.”

“When does he get back?”

“Tomorrow afternoon.”

“That’s not too far off.”

“I know. But he has a non-profit fundraiser dinner to attend that evening, so I’ll maybe get a quick hello before he’s off again.”

“You’re in danger of becoming greedy,” she teased.

I bumped my shoulder against hers and she laughed. “I know. I know that Lucas isn’t a person whose time I can demand. I know he’s going a million directions at once. Trust me when I say that my mind is constantly spinning over this.” Then I whispered the scary thought I’d tried to hide from. “How can I possibly compete with his life?”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s so busy and his work is so important to him and the family. Can I actually carve out a space for myself in all of that? Does he want me to? It feels selfish to ask for more when I know the value of what he’s doing, but... ” I hesitated, and Ana jumped in.

“After everything you’ve been through, and all the changes you’ve made since coming here, if you don’t think fighting for someone you love is worth it, then you’ve learned nothing of real value.” I was taken aback by the serious look on Ana’s face as our eyes met. “I’m not kidding, Grace. If you give up because you think loving him will be inconvenient, then you don’t deserve him.”

I swallowed hard and looked away from the intensity in her eyes. “I think you misunderstand. I know he’s worth it, Ana, and I’m willing to put in the effort and time. But aren’t I worth it too? Aren’t I equally deserving of someone who will fight formytime and walk over the speed bumps inmylife? I don’t want to be swallowed up into the shadows of his work, even if I do understand its demands. I don’t want to be someone he only sees when he has a free minute.” I shook my head as a lump rose in my throat. A deep breath helped calm me again. “Look, he hasn’t even said how he feels about me, so we’re talking about a whole lot of nothing at this point.”

Ana’s hand reached out and took mine. “Grace, you’re worthy of love. You’re easy to love. I shouldn’t have jumped in with my opinions.”

“Maybe you need listening lessons,” I joked, and she grinned.

“Try to let it chart its own course, and I’m sure the two of you will figure it out.”

“I hope so, because this past week has shown me that if we do take the next step, it’s going to require sacrifice from both of us.”

She squeezed my hand once before releasing it. We sat quietly side by side until full darkness had fallen. It had helped to talk to Ana, but it had also made things worse. Because now I had to decide what I was willing to risk for Lucas, and what I was strong enough to ask for.

The next afternoon I entered my room after lunch to find a dozen pink roses sitting on my desk with a note attached. The roses were beautiful, open and lovely, their perfume making the air around them smell amazing. I crossed the room and tore open the envelope, my heart pounding out a rhythm to the words “he’s back, he’s back, he’s back.”

I read the note with shaking fingers.

Grace,

---