Page 31 of Class Clown

Cole immediately grew serious and stood across from the desk to face me square on. “Who is it?” he asked, his tone promising he’d handle it. “We need to inform Nico too, his skills would be an asset.”

“Oh, Nico is a good idea,” I grinned at Kristy. “He’s probably experienced with hostile situations.”

“Do you know his name?” Cole asked again. “Where can I find him?”

I pointed over my shoulder at the window. “He’s standing right out there.”

Cole slipped past me to look out the window while Kristy and I mumbled together as she searched up things such as ‘do porcupines attack’ and ‘do porcupines like the taste of human flesh’. That one had me slapping her on the arm and telling her I did not need any more ammo for the thoughts stirring in my brain.

“I don’t see anyone,” Cole said.

Kristy sort of pointed with her head. “He’s there. Small, hidden in the grass, dark fur, white quills.” Then she was back to me. “They have 30,000 quills. Holy cow. I know from watching a nature documentary that those quills burrow into flesh.”

I gasped. “They can swim? And they live in trees? Trees? Is that so that they can get the drop on their foes?” My tone was horrified and Kristy kept shaking her head as we read more.

“Wait!” Cole’s voice broke into our feverish searching and we both startled as we looked up to where he was once again standing across the desk from us. “Are you talking about that porcupine sitting out there?”

We nodded and I showed him my arm. “These tally marks are all the times I’ve caught him following me, or seen him in the same place as I am in the past four days. It’s science.”

He blinked and then closed his eyes entirely while he thought. That was fine by me, because Kristy and I were still committed to our search and I was trying to get my over-active imagination to stand down after all the information we were fire-hosing.

“It says here that their teeth are continuously growing,” Kristy read on a breath.

“They omit an odor as a defense?” I read. “I thought only skunks did that.” I leaned back in Cole’s desk chair and clapped my hands over my head. “Just great. First he sprays you with stink, and then quills you to death.”

Cole gently, but firmly, reached over and took Kristy’s phone out of her hand and set it face down on the desk. We both protested, because it was rude, but he kept his hand on top of it and forced us to look at him.

“I’m not really sure what’s happening here, but it sounds to me like you’re worried about that porcupine forming some sort of attachment to you,” he said calmly. He was being very mature for a guy wearing a Shrek t-shirt. Where did he even find that?

“I think he’s imprinted on me, but for death,” I replied, eying the shirt closer. “What are you wearing?”

“Ooh, we should look that up,” Kristy chirped, reaching for her phone before Cole answered me about his absurd outfit.

Cole shook his head and scooted her phone closer to him. “I highly doubt that part of porcupine life is marking people for death.”

“Maybe I smell delicious,” I argued. “Maybe he likes what he sees here and wants to live with me forever.”

Cole fought down a smile. “You’re pretty great, Rubes, I’ll give him that. He has good taste.” I smiled back and with that came a softening of my shoulders and I relaxed back into the chair. “I can call the forest service rangers and see if he can be relocated if that will make you feel better.”

I held out my arm again. “Did you see these? That’s a lot of porcupine encounters. Yes, please call the rangers.”

Cole nodded and took his hand off Kristy’s phone. She sheepishly retrieved it and tucked it in her pocket.

“In the meantime,” Cole said, “I think we have some bear spray you can carry if you’d like.”

“Would that be overkill though?” Kristy asked. “We aren’t animal haters.”

Cole rolled his eyes. “If you really think he’s out to murder you for your flesh, does it matter?”

Kristy blushed and moved past me to head out of the office. “I guess not. I’ll be back at the health center.”

She left the room and I stood, coming around to stand directly in front of Cole.

“We still need to discuss this shirt you’re wearing. Did you order it on idontwannafindlove.com?”

He looked down at his shirt and scoffed. “This is a camper favorite.”

“Right. How do you expect me to set you up with someone this summer if you’re dressing like this?”

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